


The Axanar Script v.11

by Limulus



Series: The Axanar Critiques [4]
Category: Star Trek
Genre: Axanar, Essays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 22:45:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 43,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19119223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Limulus/pseuds/Limulus
Summary: This work was originally posted on http://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/ in early 2019. It is archived here for easy access.This work is part of a critical analysis of the Star Trek fan film script, "Axanar," and some of the adjacent works. Specifically, this is a critique of the "Axanar" shooting script, version 11, released on Facebook by former "Axanar" director Robert Meyer Burnett.  For context, see axamonitor.com.Star Trek is owned by CBS, and this script was written by Alec Peters and Bill Hunt. These critiques are solely for the interest of Star Trek fan film fans. I claim no copyright on them in the spirit of free discussion.





	1. Return to Axanar

On December 29, 2018, former _Axanar_ director Robert Meyer Burnett released _Axanar_ v.11. This was the script Team Axanar intended to shoot before they ran out of money and were sued by the _Star Trek_ owners. Here is my response to the script as I read it through for the first time. Since it no doubt shares similarities with v.7.3, which I reviewed nearly two years ago, I will read them side-by-side and discuss whether any changes strengthen or weaken the script. This is, of course, only my subjective interpretation.

> **The Opening Scene (pp. 1-3 in v.11 and pp. 1-4 in v.7.3)**

As with the earlier draft, the shooting draft begins on a Federation colony world. The opening scenes are nearly identical, but the shooting draft shows a change that does not bode well for this introduction.

> **EXT. PLANET’S ORBIT – ANGLE ON THE SURFACE**
> 
> **...there’s no peace to be found here.**
> 
> **Starship wreckage tumbles lifelessly. The capital city lies in flames below. Great plumes of smoke rise into the sky.**

In the original draft, there was no starship wreckage. On the surface, this change appears to be more visually dynamic. Instead of merely a burning city, you also have a destroyed fleet. You get more information from the image, which should be a good thing.

In this case, however, it doesn’t work because orbital debris and burning city exist on different scales of size and space. If you’re close enough to the city for its destruction to emotionally resonate then you’re much closer to the surface than an altitude at which starship pieces can “tumble lifelessly.” That close to the surface, they’d be falling like meteors. If you stay far enough from the surface for starship wreckage to tumble and spin in orbit, the burning city is only a cloud of smoke. It carries no emotional weight.

This jarring visual discrepancy is only heightened by the second part of the scene in which a wing of Klingon cruisers fly into frame, firing, onto the city.

It’s very clear that this section, which is unchanged from the earlier draft, is built on the foundation of the earlier draft’s first half. The focus is the city and it’s destruction. There is no place in the action for the existence of the destroyed ship or fleet. It’s thoughtless decoration, and, in this case, that means it’s clutter.

Two scenes in, one sentence changed, and it looks like something went haywire in the edits. Editing should tighten the story, characterization, and visual elements. It shouldn’t confuse them.

Scene three marks the first significant change. The early version of this scene, written by _Prelude to Axanar_ director Christian Gossett, began with a wounded Starfleet survivor fleeing Klingon warriors among the ruins of the city. He’s intercepted by Chang, who responds to the man’s begging, by offering him a chance at escape from his pursuers. When he takes it, Chang stabs him in the back.

It’s a brilliant start to the film, quickly establishing Chang’s character and perspective alongside addressing the different appearances of TOS vs TNG Klingons. It’s an excellent example of _showing_ the audience what you want them to know in a scene with tension, conflict, and stakes.

Let’s look at what replaced it.

> **EXT. SURFACE – CAPITAL CITY STREET – NIGHT**
> 
> **Disruptor beams sweep the wrecked skyline. We hear faint battle sounds. Klingon hover tanks prowl in the distance.**

Note: Scripts, especially shooting scripts, capitalize certain elements. In some places, I’ve chosen to render these in lowercase for ease of reading.

Right off the bat, we’ve gone from showing to telling. The earlier draft _showed_ the battle in a human way by pitting a Starfleet officer against the Klingons. His defeat was a microcosm of the city’s fate and the course of the war for the Federation. In this version, all the audience sees of the battle is the “faint battle sounds” laid over an impersonal image. Hover tanks are a cool image, but are little more than flash on an emotional level.

And instead of a dramatic action scene with tension, conflict, and stakes, as nameless Starfleet officer fights for his life against unwinnable odds, we get a walk and talk.

Yes, the Klingon leader, Kharn, “walks among the ruins” with Commander Chang while a honor guard keeps watch.

Chang is the first the speak.

> **My Lord, our forces are clearing away the last pockets of resistance. The battle is won…**

Fortunately, the audience is spared this vision of the horrors of war.

Kharn is apparently not listening. He

> **…surveys the devastation, angered by what he sees. He picks up something from the rubble.**
> 
> **CLOSE ON A MINIATURE STARSHIP IN HIS HANDS**

Product placement! Get your _Axanar_ model today in the Donor Store. We’re not selling merchandise if we call it a perk for a donation!

Actually it’s “a child’s toy - a replica of Doug Drexler’s NX-Refit (the NCC-06 Endeavour).” That’s an oddly specific choice, so I’m hoping it has more significance than simply the cool-factor. I fear I will be disappointed.

Anyway, Kharn is disgusted so he tosses the toy aside and asks Chang why that particular building that’s been blasted to bits was targeted. Apparently, they’re walking through the remains of a neighborhood.

> **Chang: We had evidence that the Federation was using it as a command post.**
> 
> **Kharn: Why then do I see only civilian bodies here? Federation forces have never hidden among the weak.**

It would’ve been nice if those “civilian bodies” had been mentioned in the description of the scene. As they were not, I’ll assume they magically materialized for maximum angst.

> **Chang: It’s possible that mistakes were made…in the shadows of _veS_. I will investigate at once. Those responsible will be punished.**

Apparently “veS” means “war.” Why that one word is in Klingon when the Klingons’ speech has already transitioned from Klingon to English is not explained. I guess it’s there just in case the audience forgets that the people with funny foreheads are aliens.

Despite the odd intrusion of a Klingon word, I do like this exchange. It’s surprisingly relevant to the current War on Terror in which the destruction of civilian sites and accompanying civilian deaths have been excused as the result of terrorists using them for military purposes. All Chang needed to do was refer to “collateral damage.”

Yes, this conversation sets up an analogy in which the United States of America is the Klingon Empire and the terrorists are Starfleet. I guess it’s valid from the Klingon perspective. I also hope none of the big donors were big time American patriots. That could be awkward at the next Axanar convention.

The dialogue tries to pull back from that a bit by suggesting that the Federation would never use civilians as cover, but the effort is really overridden by the other parallels. It’s also weakened because we don’t _see_ any of this on screen. How can we really know that Kharn is right and Chang is wrong except for the script tells us this is so?

This is what happens when you don’t consider the full ramifications of your hamfisted attempt to shoehorn Big Themes into your pew-pew action film when the story doesn’t lend itself to these themes. It’s also what happens when you think you can tell the audience what to think instead of showing them a complex story and relying on them to interpret it based on the clues you provide.

Anyway, Kharn knows Chang was responsible, glares at him, and says

> **There was no honor in this, Chang.**

With a reprimand like that, I have no doubt Chang was quaking in his boots. No wonder he felt bold enough to do something Kharn didn’t approve of.

Before Kharn can threaten to write Chang up for his poor behavior in the workplace, they’re interrupted by a horn and the scene ends.

So, this scene, was not at all an improvement over the earlier draft. It replaced showing with telling. Instead of seeing the fall of the Federation colony firsthand, we got a report. Instead of seeing Chang murder civilians, we got a bit of dialogue and magically appearing bodies. Instead of seeing Kharn’s anger with Chang, we see a mild scolding.

This scene was supposed to show Chang as ruthless, Kharn as honorable, and war as hell. It did none of these things well, and it would’ve been boring to watch.

Edits should not make a story more boring. That is the cardinal sin of storytelling.

Here’s what should’ve happened: The original scene should’ve been adapted with this new perspective. Instead of a Starfleet officer, a wounded civilian should’ve been fleeing the Klingons through the ruins of a neighborhood. The scene should’ve played out as Gossett originally wrote it with Chang brutally killing the civilian after enticing him or her to trust him. Kharn could’ve then found Chang standing over the body of the civilian with a bloody _bat’leth_ and gone off on the guy like Patton and the shell-shocked soldier, setting up the future conflict between the two. This approach would’ve kept the tension, stakes, and conflict of the original scene while adding additional tension, stakes, and conflict between Chang and Kharn. And it would’ve eliminated that really awkward analogy that amuses the hell out of me.

_Axanar_ is a story about the underdogs. It needs to stay that way.

Scene Four has only minor changes between the two drafts. The only one that really jumped out at me was the change from the more ritualized Klingon Horde response in the earlier draft (“To unleash us against the thieves who would steal the fire from us!”) to the more on-the-nose response “That we would conquer the stars!” It’s not a huge deal, although it is a noticeable shift from subtext to text. Usually you want to go the other direction.

And with that, we enter the title credits.

 


	2. We Shall Fight Them on the Beaches, I Guess.

Pages 4-5 of v.11 and page 5 of v.7.3

Act One of the shooting script begins with a new addition that everyone loves at the start of their film: a Voice Over! Let me tell you, It. Is. Thrilling.

> **Federation President (V.O.): Tonight, I speak to all citizens of the Federation. By now you will know of the latest atrocity of the Klingon empire, an attack upon our peaceful colony in the Zeta Fornacis system. But you must also know this: Though the war has been long, its wounds terrible, and the hour may seem dark, our courage and resolve have never been greater.**

Sometimes I lie.

It’s not exactly [“I speak to you for the first time as Prime Minister in a solemn hour for the life of our country, of our empire, of our allies, and, above all, of the cause of freedom.” ](https://www.nationalchurchillmuseum.org/be-ye-men-of-valour.html)

If you’re going to add a VO speech, it needs to be a good speech. It doesn’t have to be Churchill, but it does have to be good. This is not a good speech.

Speeches given by politicians in wartime are meant to engage the listener on an emotional level. They’re not news spots; they’re tools to create in-group identification and rally the in-group against the out-group. This speech lacks the emotional resonance necessary to do that. Emotional resonance derives from the use of specific imagery and a specific structure that includes conflict, tension, and stakes. (You’re gonna hear those three words a lot because they are so important in storytelling.) It’s telling a story no less than a scene, an act, complete script, or even a strong character monologue. This speech trades specific imagery for vague abstractions.

Compare the above quote to a sentence from the linked Churchill speech:

> _The Germans, by a remarkable combination of air bombing and heavily armored tanks, have broken through the French defenses north of the Maginot Line, and strong columns of their armored vehicles are ravaging the open country, which for the first day or two was without defenders._

This one sentence presents the fall of France cinematically with an overwhelming antagonist against an underdog defender. It’s the ideal model for the writers of this story since that was the story of the Federation colony. Had they simply rehashed what was just shown on screen, however, it would’ve been redundant. Instead, they would’ve had to add another layer through the speech. For instance, perhaps showing the speech as propagandistic by making the speech refer to the wanton slaughter of civilians whereas the opening scene could’ve shown the presence of military assets in a civilian area. Such a choice would’ve added depth and complexity to the characters, story, and theme.

From the Voice Over, the story takes us to the Starfleet operations center, which is described identically in both scripts. Instead of a wall of viewscreens showing maps and battle reports, as in the earlier draft, the shooting script has a viewscreen showing the Federation president giving her speech.

OK, fan film writers, I need to make something very clear: Watching people talk on screens is boring. It really is. It’s like watching one telephone conversation after another. Use it sparingly.

This is not sparing.

The president wraps up her speech by saying

> **I have the utmost faith in the justice of our cause and in the brave men and women of Starfleet, who even now risk everything to protect us. Make no mistake: The Federation stands united. We will fight this scourge of Klingon aggression wherever we must, and whatever the cost. We shall never break. We will not fail.**

That is just so

> _[…we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend out Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, we shall never surrender…](https://www.nationalchurchillmuseum.org/we-shall-fight-on-the-beaches.html) _

If summarized by an apathetic high school freshman after a couple runs through Google Translate.

Again, vague versus specific. Churchill uses other rhetorical devices as well, but the point I wish to make with this comparison is that if you’re going to write a speech, you need to know speeches work. A writer doesn’t have to be Churchill, but he or she should pick up a book or two on rhetoric and also dissect speeches. Sit down with the great speeches and look at what elements make them work. Then, write a speech using those elements. Don’t just paraphrase one of the greats. It’s lazy and sloppy and eye-roll inducing.

The speech mercifully ends to be replaced with tactical information on a battle that is currently ongoing. It seems to me that if you’re forces are in the middle of a battle, it might just be better to put listening to a speech on hold and actually direct the battle. I could be wrong. I’m no Eisenhower.

In a new bit of dialogue, the Second Fleet is fighting thirty-one Klingon ships near Coridan. These are really just words to the audience since neither Coridan nor the fleet nor even the speaker—Captain Arev—have been established. There’s also a bit of confusion since the text jumps back to the earlier description of the Zeta Fornacis system. Does that mean Coridan is in the Z.F. system? Or did someone just insert a little extra dialogue without making sure it matched the later description? It’s a mystery.

One new face makes an appearance in the old text, an Andorian admiral by the name of “Threl.” Apparently, there was a falling out with Tony Todd so Admiral Ramirez suffered the ignoble “find and replace.” Don’t worry, he’s not actually a new character. Just a new actor and makeup job.

The Federation President also makes an appearance, despite the news broadcast saying that she was delivering her speech from her home in Paris “just a short time ago.” I guess there wasn’t a following press conference. She is, refreshingly, described as “an older African woman” who “exudes calm and commands respect.”

Let’s hear it for representation! We can check off our traditionally underrepresented groups: woman, older woman, woman of color. That’s a nice change from the earlier draft, which made the president male and didn’t specify his appearance thus likely resulting in a “older white male” default.

Admiral Threl greets her, saying

> **Madam President. You could do worse than cribbing from Churchill and Lor’Vela, but I bet you’re getting damn sick of giving those speeches.**

Aaaand, goodwill lost.

Here, the writers gave us an older woman of color in a leadership role and the made her essentially an uncreative plagiarist. She is then corrected by a subordinate man.

They may have described her in the text as being calm and commanding respect, but what they have shown completely undermines it. (Remember, the audience doesn’t read the script.)

_Slow clap_.

Good job, guys. You started with representation and ended with racism. (And a little sexism thrown in for good measure.)

And it is racist and sexist. Instead of showing a woman of color as a leader, you show her as someone who has to adapt the words of a white man and an alien in order to make a speech. Trying to pass it off as “oh, she makes so many speeches that she’s just phoning it in” only further emphasizes that she is _not_ a good leader.

Don’t pass your lack of skill off on the characters. If you can’t write a speech, and aren’t willing to learn, don’t add a speech where you didn’t have one. Really, really, _really_ don’t then have it given by a token person of color who you then called out as a hack.

I’ll grant that this was likely unintentional racism and sexism, and it highlights why representation is critical in fandom and in the arts. When you surround yourself with white people, stuff like this slips through. When you surround yourself with men, stuff like this slips through. When you surround yourself with people just like you, you don’t see the issues because you all have the same blind spots.

Yeah, we’re leaving this scene here so that this very important change doesn’t get buried. If you’re going to bring in underrepresented groups, don’t make them token characters, and write them carefully.  Adding racism or sexism where none existed is not what editing is for.  That's supposed to go the other way.


	3. If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It.

Pages 5 to 10 in v.11 and page 5 to 9 in v.7.3

Yesterday left off with the unfortunate portrayal of the Federation president. I’d like to emphasize, since I don’t think I did it adequately, that you don’t have to portray women or people of color as perfect in every way lest your writing be interpreted as racist or sexist. Where that interpretation comes in is if your only female characters are there to make characters feel or look good.  It comes in if your only characters of color are portrayed negatively whereas your white characters are not. When you have a character so clearly designed as to tick boxes, you need to be a lot more careful than when you have a wide representation across your characters.

In any case, let’s continue with this scene. Despite Arev saying they’re fighting near Coridan, Threl reports to the president that Zeta Fornacis III is the planet lost. There are some minor dialogue changes between the two versions, but nothing that significantly impacts the script. Instead, the changes take the dialogue from a more natural feeling to a more artificial feeling. For example, in the early draft, Captain Travis responds to a question about the D-7s with

> **No way to tell. But you can see the result for yourself.**

In the shooting script, that line became

> **There’s no way to tell. But you can see the result for yourself.**

The first iteration of this line is more natural. When people are in high stress situation, as Travis is, their speech becomes more clipped. They omit any unnecessary words.

Fortunately, an actor would change this line back.

The scenes continue identically, and then we cut to Captain Alexander on the Ajax.

The same minor dialogue changes persist.

For example,

> **Alexander: Surrounded by dead Klingons, sir. Some of them just don’t know it yet.** (early draft)

versus

> **Alexander: Surrounded by dead Klingons. We’re just explaining it to them now.** (shooting draft)

There’s no reason to make changes like these. They’re changes for the sake of changes, not an improvement in the dialogue. Indeed, as with Travis’s line, it’s going from natural speech to unnatural. Look at Alexander’s early draft line. In the second sentence, those all single syllable words. It spits out very naturally. In the shooting draft line, there’s a three-syllable word right in the middle of the sentence. It slows down her speech at a time when you can expect she’ll be breathing harder and focusing on just getting the words out.

Also, in the shooting draft, she forgets to order evasive maneuvers when the Klingons fire on her.

> **Alexander: Stand by one, Admiral. (beat) Evasive! All hands, brace for impact.** (early draft)

versus

> **Alexander: Stand by one, Admiral. (beat) All hands, brace for impact.** (shooting draft)

Why would you omit that word? That’s an important order. The only thing I can think of is that the writer wants the scene to feel like the [first clash between Kirk and Khan in _Star Trek II_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCpYqWAIwFA).  Or any one of the other Star Trek battles that leads ships to getting banged up. However, the scene isn’t written to actually show that there’s no time for Alexander to give any orders to protect her ship, unlike the scene in _Wrath of Khan_.

The two scripts continue in parallel. Unfortunately, the minor dialogue changes did not manage to remove my very favorite line.

> **Alexander: We’re in a real furball here, Admiral.**

This will never not be a funny, suspension of disbelief breaking line. Yes, I know it’s military slang. The problem is that it’s not Starfleet slang. It would be the equivalent of me using slang from the Enlightenment. Slang is generally old at a couple of decades, let alone a couple of centuries. It’s specific to its time and place; you can’t just transplant it.

Why are we keeping the bad lines and changing or cutting the good ones? This script wasn’t edited. It was anti-edited.

The transmission conveniently cuts out so Threl and the president can have a little chat. Once again, the lines are largely the same with slight changes that don’t improve anything. At best, they’re neutral. For another example,

> **Federation president: (in a private tone) It’s time for hard truths, Threl. How much longer can we fight them?** (shooting script)

versus

> **Federation president: How much longer can we keep this up, Admiral?** (earlier draft)

The change just doesn’t add anything. The subtext of the question is that it’s a hard truth, you don’t have to actually say it. “How much longer can we fight them” is just a paraphrase of “how much longer can we keep this up.”

Anyway, as with the earlier draft, the president hands the admiral an encrypted message from Soval. I do like the added exchange between the president and admiral (“What is it, Admiral?”/ “If we’re lucky? A fighting chance.”) since it does feel natural that the president would want to know what’s going on. It also doesn’t take away anything from the existing dialogue.

Both scripts then jump to the _Ares_ in space. The shooting script adds a delightful little detail.

> **As [the _Ares_ ] draws near, we hear music – a somber Izarian piece…not of Earth, yet almost baroque.**

Well, I guess I’d better pull out the Enlightenment slang. (The Baroque period overlapped with the Enlightenment.) I’m having trouble imaging what the writer is thinking of in terms of music, however. “Somber” is not usually a word that one thinks of when thinking of “baroque.” Baroque tends towards a grand, ornamental style. Even the more affecting pieces can have a sense of joy about them. I’m sure I could find one that qualifies as “somber,” but even then it won’t exactly be Mahler.

On the other hand, I can think of no more fitting theme for Garth Sue than Handel’s _[Messiah](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usfiAsWR4qU)._

This is why writers need to be particularly clear about the music they’re imagining. A composer can’t do anything with “Izarian” since Izar doesn’t exist, so s/he’ll have to rely on Baroque as a clue. Given that the Baroque period spanned [150 years and many composers](https://www.baroque.org/baroque/whatis), the writer and composer might be drawing very different conclusions.

In addition to new music that may or may not be appropriate, we get a brand new scene in the shooting script. This scene takes place in the Sickbay Morgue. Cheery. Just what I think of when I think of Vivaldi.

> **We see a dimly-lit line of bodies on tables, each covered with a sheet bearing the Federation logo.**

And it has mood lighting!

We also get our first introduction to Garth Sue. This script appears to really dial up the “cares about his people” angle. I’m just going to quote the whole thing, because it’s amazing.

> **Captain Kelvar Garth sits nearby, head bowed, keeping watch over his fallen crewmen. Garth’s left arm is wrapped in a sling. His First Officer, Commander Kenji Tanaka, stands beside him with a hand on his Captain’s shoulder. As we push slowly in on Garth, we see…**
> 
> **QUICK FLASHBACKS OF ARES’ LAST BATTLE (INTERCUTTING)**
> 
> **Young crewmen (including Zoe Blake) man their stations amid flames and chaos. We hear the compartment decompressing…the screams of those who know they’re about to die. Then…**
> 
> **CLOSE ON GARTH’S FACE**
> 
> **As the music reaches a crescendo, Garth lifts his head…and we finally see his face. His eyes burn with pain and rage.**

This scene has two basic problems. The first problem is that it’s overdone to the point of being cliché. The second problem is that it lacks the elements that make a good scene. It’s static. It’s another scene that’s telling us about Garth, not showing us Garth. Finally, it is an emotionally manipulative scene. Any good scene or story should generate an emotional response, but that response needs to be organic. I don’t want to imagine the writer standing over me, beating me with the script, screaming “FEEL SOMETHING HERE!”

In this scene, I do.

We don’t get much information from the initial description. We have the cliché setting of a dimly lit morgue compounded by the cliché of the commander grieving his fallen men. We’re also meant to see Garth as sensitive, and having a close relationship with his first officer, based on Tanaka’s presence. On top of that, Garth was even wounded in battle.  That’s what we’re meant to see. What do we actually see?

Now, you’d think that if we had a flashback, we’d have a flashback to how Garth was injured. Since it apparently became important at some point for the writers to speak about The Horrors of War and PTSD, that’s what you’d expect to see. (Of course, that might not have been a factor until after _Axanar_ was sued.) Instead, we have a flashback to an event for which Garth was not even present. How can Garth be remembering an event he never witnessed? Presumably, the event is how these crewmembers died, but there’s no connection between them and the bodies. It’s not like Garth was looking at one of the crewmember’s faces and then the story flashes back to how he or she died. No, it’s a row of bodies and then a flashback.

Since the flashback isn’t personal to Garth, it doesn’t tell us much about him as a person either-- his past or his experiences. It’s just a flashback to other people dying.

So we have a flashback of dying people that doesn’t connect either to Garth or to the bodies. This disconnect means that the flashback is ineffective. Not only is it ineffective, it’s excessive. Or maybe it’s excessive because it’s ineffective. In fact, I’d say it’s gratuitous, pornographic even. With no emotional resonance for the viewer—they don’t know or identify with these people—it’s suffering for the sake of suffering. It’s watching young people die horribly for shock value. That’s what makes it emotionally manipulative.

 

Even worse, these characters are clearly NPCs (or non-player characters for those readers who do not play video games). The focus isn’t on the dead, the lives lost, the potential lost, the dreams lost, the families destroyed. The focus is on [Garth’s manpain](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Mangst). Yes, I’m happily being derogatory here because that’s what this deserves. People die horribly in this scene so Garth can have burning eyes as the music swells dramatically, and we all know he’s vowing revenge.

This scene could’ve gone much better. For example, what if the flashback had been to part of the battle that involved Garth? What if, for example, Garth had been in his quarters and the Klingons had attacked without warning? What if Garth only survived because a young crewman dragged him out, dying in the process? What if Garth then visits this crewman in the morgue? You have the same rough scene, but it focuses on a relationship.

It is very _Wrath of Khan_ , but what that film understood is the emotional impact of a character death, even a minor character such as Peter Preston, depends on showing relationships. It also depends on the basic dramatic elements of conflict, tension, and stakes. For Preston’s death to matter, the viewer had to see the mad scramble among the trainees in Engineering. They also had to see that his death was Kirk’s fault as set up by the initial encounter with Khan.

The reason I think _Axanar_ did not take this approach is because it would mean a.) that someone else would have to be the hero, and b.) that Garth would have to be less than perfect. The crewmember would have to be the hero for saving Garth, and Garth would have had to be caught with his pants down. Mary Sues can never be in that position, however, so instead we get the cliché scene of Garth stewing over a bunch of flag-draped bodies to [dramatic music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usfiAsWR4qU).


	4. The Return of Garth Sue

Pages 10 to 13 in v.11. and pages 10 to 11 in v.7.3.

We return to Garth’s quarters, where he is dictating a message to Zoe Blake’s parents. She was one of the crewmembers killed in the flashback and, presumably, one of the bodies Garth was crying single tears over in the morgue. (I kid. Manly Men like Garth don’t cry single tears. Their eyes just ignite with vengeance.)

> **Garth: Mr. and Mrs. Blake, I wanted you both to know that—Your daughter was a remarkable officer. Smart as a whip, ingenious, funny. Zoe’s courage…her integrity…will never be forgotten by those of us who served with her. (beat) We are forever in your debt.**

Had the screenplay established Zoe as a character and a relationship between her and Garth, this could’ve been a touching moment. Indeed, I think the added morgue scene and flashback were an attempt to provide the necessary background for it to be so. Unfortunately, as I already discussed, there was a bit of a mismatch between intent and execution.

This language does not bridge the emotional distance established by the morgue/flashback scene. Although it’s been slightly revised from the [initial version](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/06/30/our-hero-garth-sue/), it has the same problem of feeling too cliché and impersonal.  Garth is using the abstract language of someone who didn’t really know Zoe. One new change is that the script tries to show Garth as being more affected with dramatic beats and pauses written into the dialogue. Unfortunately, the words themselves don’t carry that emotion.

Now imagine if Zoe Blake had done more than simply scream as her compartment decompressed. Imagine if she had died saving Garth’s life. How would that have changed this speech? How would it have impacted the character and the audience?

Yeah.

But as I’ve said—probably a million times by now—Garth would have to _be_ vulnerable for that to work instead of merely _acting_ vulnerable. For that to happen, the writers would have to be willing to make him less than perfect.

So Garth finishes filling out his form condolences and, instead of asking the computer to play music as in the earlier draft, he orders a drink from the replicator.

I just love how this script describes it.

> **A glass appears in the replicator. Garth picks it up…sips its amber liquid. He’s impressed. Replicator tech is new, a perk of command. But he could get used to it.**

Ah, nothing but the best for our Sue. Seriously, though. You can’t see those last three sentences on screen so save ‘em for the novelization.

As with the earlier draft, Garth follows this up by taking his shirt off just in time for the “efficient and attractive” Lieutenant Commander Corax to make an appearance. Their conversation has been somewhat revised.

Corax goes for the Dramatically Concerned Lover opening, which Garth sidesteps:

> **Corax: I don’t suppose you’d care to tell me what the hell you’re thinking?**
> 
> **Garth: Good evening, Captain. It’s good to see you on your feet again. (shifts tone) Thank you, Commander. Nice to see you too.**

Is…is that _subtext_? I may have to lie down for a bit.

A little cliché and inappropriate for the circumstances, sure. At the same time, I’m not counting teeth on this gift horse.

The conversation does actually flow more smoothly than in the earlier draft. The content is largely unchanged—Garth is irritated with the risks Corax took on an away mission; Corax is irritated Garth left sickbay against medical advice; Garth is playing the “let the doctor see to the more seriously wounded first” angle—but it reads better and would sound better on screen.

Also, there’s an additional bit of conflict that’s been added. I really don’t know what to do with this.

> **Garth: Good to know. If we’re talking risks, I understand you took a few of your own on Celes II yesterday.**
> 
> **Corax: Who told you that? Tanaka? (scoffs) Your crew doesn’t like me.**

Honestly, I do like this change to Corax. Instead of accepting responsibility for her actions, she passes off whatever happened as being the result of a crew’s unified dislike of her. Given that the audience hasn’t seen evidence of this, she’s something of an unreliable narrator here. It’s immature and not what I’d expect of a Lieutenant Commander.

> **Garth: It’s been over a year, Corax. I shouldn’t have to remind you that they’re your crew too. You haven’t exactly gone out of your way to be friendly to them.**

You know, you probably don’t want your Commanding Officer to sound like a disapproving parent when talking to his Intelligence Officer. Delivery could do a lot for this line, but on the page it’s a little cringe-y.

Also, you’ve let this go on for over a year, Garth? Good leadership there. (Not really.)

> **Corax: That’s not the problem. And I’m not here to make friends. I’m your Intelligence officer.**

Part of me thinks that Corax is referring to the problem being what she is, but since that hasn’t come out in the script yet, she could be referring to a different problem. Based on her attitude so far, it could be something as simple as “it’s not me, it’s them.” She’s not at all likable, but she is interesting. That’s an improvement over her earlier incarnation.

Also, we have an intelligence officer who doesn’t know that the world runs on reciprocity; that intelligence work is a team effort; and one works a lot more efficiently when one has positive relationships with one’s coworkers. Her informed attributes are completely at odds with her shown attributes. It’s great.

I guess some people fail up.

I think the writers were going for a Seven-of-Nine type character with Corax, but Seven-of-Nine only makes sense within the context of her seasons-long arc. Viewers saw her go from a Borg, who couldn’t be expected to know human traits, to a trauma/brainwashing survivor trying to develop those traits. Corax doesn’t have those many hours of development to pull it off. She just comes across as a bit entitled and anti-social. Still, it’s an improvement since it _is_ a character.

> **Garth: Yes. Among the best in the fleet, given your unique abilities. But a lighter touch with the crew would make your job a lot easier…**

As I said.

It shouldn’t have taken over a year for this conversation to happen. It should’ve taken less than a month. That’s provided Corax wasn’t smart enough to work it on her own, as she should have done at the Academy.

Since it’s happening now, Corax comes across as very young. Too young, really, to be a Lieutenant Commander and established as top of her field.

> **Garth:…(pulls on the shirt) For starters, you might try smiling once in a while.**
> 
> **Corax glares at him. Garth tips his head skeptically.**

I’m with Corax on this one. It’s meant to be some sort of cutsey “you’ve pissed me off but we both know you’re right” sort of thing, however I’m going to take the opportunity to say that men should not tell women to smile. It’s annoying and entitled and, yes, [it’s sexist. ](https://www.bustle.com/p/why-do-people-expect-women-to-smile-67360)

Many, many articles and studies have been written on the gendered nature of smiling in Western culture. Essentially, it boils down to smiling being expected for women and optional for men. No man who is disliked in the workplace will be told to smile more because Western masculinity is about emotional suppression instead of emotional expression. Women, however, are expected to express emotions and, more specifically, they’re expected to express emotions that make other people feel good: smiling. When they smile, they signal that they’re going to be agreeable or subordinate or accommodating, regardless of whether or not they should be. This makes other people, specifically men who rely on outdated dominance hierarchies, more comfortable. It does so at the expense of the woman’s well-being. She cannot simply focus on doing her job; she must focus on whether her displayed attitude is acceptable to people around her.

If we demand women smile, what we’re saying is “I don’t care who you are as a person, what you might be feeling or thinking at any one moment. I don’t care how well you actually do a job. I just care that you look good and make me feel good.”

And, yes, it’s just as bad if you do it to a man. We just don’t do it to men.

Also, as final note, it is totally creepy and controlling when people do this. It’s not as bad if you know each other, but it’s still not good.

If Garth wanted to be a good leader, he should’ve noted actual issues such as not taking responsibility for her actions and passing off any disagreement as being because the crew doesn’t like her. He should not have gone with the possible sexual harassment. (Seriously. Don’t be Garth.)

This edit was not an improvement over the earlier draft because it makes Garth a sexist where he was not before. I’m with Corax, he deserves the evil eye. And so does this scene.

But, hey, Garth Sue has a flaw now.

> **Garth (cont’d): I guess we’ll have to work on that.**

Ew.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

No.

Just. No.

That’s not endearing, or caring, or remotely appropriate for a senior officer to say to his subordinate. It’s just gross. She’s not his student in social behavior. He shouldn’t be acting like she is.

Corax must be feeling about like I am because she find Garth’s bourbon on the desk. Garth claims it’s medicinal (har dee har) and then this happens:

> **Corax tosses it back herself and eyes him defiantly, daring him to complain.**

What’s killing me here is the absolute lack of professionalism. Don’t forget that Garth is Corax’s commanding officer. She’s in his chain of command. He has a lot of control over her life and career. He could easily destroy her future with Starfleet.

Here she is doing something very aggressive and rude with the intention of being aggressive and rude. To her commanding officer.

I really can’t explain how utterly disturbing and inappropriate this dynamic is. To this point, the relationship is that of a father and teen daughter where the father is coaching his daughter on appropriate workplace behavior while his daughter rolls her eyes and sighs dramatically. Then the teen daughter acts out to piss off Daddy.

It’s disgusting. Really.

What really gets me is that this flows really well with a lot of subtext. It’s easily some of the best writing we’ve encountered so far. Usually, you see this sort of thing when the writer particularly connects with the material. Unfortunately, it leaves the reader wondering if the scene was typed one-handed.

If you're a writer, you never want the reader to wonder if you typed the scene one-handed.  They'll never be able to get what the other hand is doing out of their heads.

> **Garth approaches her contritely instead.**
> 
> **Garth (cont’d): I’m sorry I worried you.**

So now that we’ve been through the weird dominance play, the two are finally going to be honest with each other.

I’m scared.

> **He looks exhausted. Corax’s expression finally softens.**
> 
> **Corax: You should try to get some rest.**
> 
> **Garth: Not likely. Unless you’d consider staying. I always sleep better when you’re here. I’ve missed you, is what I’m trying to say.**

I just can’t even.

It is neither appropriate nor professional for a commanding officer to sleep with a subordinate. It just isn’t. You can argue all you want that Starfleet is different from the modern military, but that doesn’t change anything. When one person has a massive amount of power in relation to another, it’s inherently exploitive relationship. There’s no way to be sure that Corax is not subtly coerced into the relationship because she’s concerned about her career.

Guess what? This was added. It was in the subtext of the earlier draft, but now we’ve actually Garth saying he wants Corax to spend the night. She’s like his blankie.

This is not tender.  It's gross.  If you wanted to make it tender, she'd have to be his equal in the hierarchy and not a direct subordinate.  Make her captain of her own ship, for instance.  Make her a civilian consultant who doesn't report directly to him.  Something other than his direct subordinate.  _Please_.

> **A spark of emotion jumps between them.**

I’d still love to know how this can be shown on screen.

> **Corax puts a hand on his chest…smooths out his new shirt.**

Well, at least she isn’t leaning in for a kiss any longer.

Thankfully, Tanaka saves us from the creepy stuff by sounding a Red Alert. He is apparently telepathic because he apologizes for bothering Garth. Yes, Tanaka, you inconvenienced the Sue so you should be sorry. Anyway, the Klingons are coming.

> **Garth: I’ll be right there.**
> 
> **Corax surprises Garth with a kiss, then moves to the desk.**

I give up.

> **Corax: You should take your sling.**

Aw, she’s being so motherly and concerned. Just like a good little woman.

> **Garth: Leave it.**

Aw, he’s being so manly and tough. Just like a good space captain.

Yeah, those lines were just filler.

Welp.  Point for the improved flow and subtext.  At the same time, like the Federation president, the newly introduced sexism means this was yet another anti-edit.  It's a wash.  Again.


	5. "Are You Not Entertained?"

Pages 13 to 17 in v.11 and pages 11 to 15 in v.7.3.

The story jumps to the bridge, beginning slightly before Garth and Corax arrive. Lieutenant Wagner, one of the interchangeable bridge officers, reports to Tanaka that there’s debris and that the Klingons are jamming their sensors. Tanaka orders her to keep trying to find them right before Garth and Corax enter.

As soon as Garth enters, he momentarily forgets which sci-fi franchise he’s in and asks for a “sitrep.” The earlier draft’s “status report” order was far more _Star Trek_. This one is the reboot of _Battlestar Galactica_.

Tanaka reports that the Klingons are out there, but that _Ares_ can’t see them. The shields are, of course, raised and weapons are, of course, ready. This whole exchange recaps a good deal of the information we were just shown in the added segment with Wagner. It doesn’t add anything new, which makes the added segment unnecessary filler.

Fortunately, the Klingons attack. The external VFX remains unchanged between the drafts. The effect on _Ares_ has been slightly revised, but essentially remains the same. I mean, it has been toned down a bit. Much to Crewman Nobody’s relief, one console goes from exploding to merely sparking.

We get a little technobabble about failing systems, and the engineer gets on repairs as fast as possible. This whole part is the same between drafts. Then we get something new!

> **Wagner: Captain, the Klingons are in a Dragon Claw formation…trying to maximize their weapons yield on us.**
> 
> **Garth: How tight?**
> 
> **Wagner: Right on top of each other.**
> 
> **Garth: Then they’ve had to reduce their shields. Lieutenant Wagner, weapons free. Mister Cross, match their heading and stand by on thrusters.**

“Weapons free.” I see Admiral Adama is making a second appearance.

> **Cross: Match heading, aye. Icarus maneuver, sir?**
> 
> **Garth: (nods) On my mark.**

It’s the very best of the _Star Trek TNG_ battle scenes. Let’s throw out names for maneuvers that have no meaning for the audience because it sounds cool.

I see what the writers are going for here. They’re trying to show that Garth is intelligent enough to out-think the Klingons by showing his thought process. My objection is that this is in the middle of a battle when economy of speech is absolutely paramount. He wants to be giving orders as clearly and quickly as possible, not thinking aloud.

Keeping the dialogue short and snappy has another purpose beyond realism: it speeds up the pacing. In the middle of tense battle sequence, you want the faster pacing to support the idea the protagonists are in danger and raise the tension of the scene. Exposition, such as what a maneuver is named and what it’s purpose is, should be left for moments when you want to slow down the scene.

The exception is if you’re [dueling the Dread Pirate Roberts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lC6dgtBU6Gs) and simultaneously discussing Renaissance fencing masters.

This scene needs to be speeding up towards Garth’s counterattack on the Klingon ships, not slowing down. Neither draft is particularly strong in this respect, but the earlier draft does have less exposition.

We get another unchanged VFX shot of _Ares_ flying like a fighter jet followed by a largely unchanged bridge exchange. The only changes are minor, e.g. “Phasers—fire!” to “Fire phasers.” The VFX of _Ares_ slingshotting a nacelle into a Klingon ship remains unchanged between drafts as well. Some of the dialogue in the shooting script is a little longer than the early draft, but it doesn’t affect character, theme, or story and so is of little importance.

No, adding “let’s see their shields stop this” doesn’t tell me more about Tanaka’s character than omitting that sentence.

In all fairness, however, the shooting script did remove one line that absolutely needed to go. It was my second favorite line from the early draft (after the furball one).

It was

> **The crew is impressed as hell by what Garth’s just done.** (early draft)

That line deserved to be excised. In doing so, the writer even dialed back the Sueness of the moment.

After the destruction of the second Klingon ship, a second line is also removed. Probably my third favorite.

> **Garth of Izar’s legend grows.** (early draft)

These masturbatory lines had no place in any script. It was right and good to cut them.

In place of these lines, we get a little more dialogue.

> **Tanaka: Damn. That’s something you don’t see every day.**
> 
> **Cross: (unsettled) Thankfully.**
> 
> **Wagner: I say good riddance to them.**
> 
> **Garth: (reacts, after a moment) This war is ugly enough. It doesn’t have to make us so. Whatever our feelings given recent events, those were sentient beings. And we’re Starfleet officers. Let’s try not to forget it. (Wagner looks away)…**

Wow. That’s the self-important Garth right out of Jonathan Lane’s “Why We Fight.” Although, since “Why We Fight” was written after this script, it’s more appropriate to say Mr. Lane _nailed_ this Garth.

Garth’s self-righteousness here flies in the face of his informed attributes. This isn’t the equivalent of Kirk reprimanding the racist crew member in _Balance of Terror._ In that situation, the audience had seen Spock’s loyalty and devotion to Starfleet. They saw his efforts to protect _Enterprise_ and give the ship and edge over the Romulans. Furthermore, Kirk’s reprimand was sharp and to the point. It was direct order to immediately stop a bad behavior in its tracks before it could endanger the whole ship. It was not a passive aggressive shaming.

Here, Garth is making a little morality speech with no regard for the circumstances. The writers are making a little morality speech with no regard for the circumstances. From the beginning of the script, the audience has seen a Federation colony, including civilians, annihilated. They have seen (secondhand) at least one other colony world fall and many ships. In the preceding scene, they saw _Ares_ fighting for its life. They’re not sympathizing with the Klingons. They’re sympathizing with the Federation and the _Ares_ crew. When Garth makes his little speech, he’s not just inappropriately shaming one of his officers, which would undermine the trust and confidence the officer and his comrades would have in their leader; he’s also shaming the audience if they happened to rejoice in the kick-ass battle sequence they just saw.

If intentionally done, it’s an interesting choice. It forces the audience to consider how appropriate it is to celebrate violence in their entertainment. It even suggests that perhaps there is something barbaric about enjoying even fictionalized violence.

The problem is that the script itself has not changed enough for me to be convinced that it does not rejoice in the kick-ass battle sequences. It doesn’t succeed in making those NPCs, such as the crew members killed in the flashback or the dead civilians in the opening scene, sentient beings. They’re set dressing.

Thus, it’s more like Russell Crowe’s line--“Are you not entertained?”--in _Gladiator_. Let’s just acknowledge that there’s something wrong about enjoying watching people kill each other on film…and then go right back to that enjoyment of watching people kill each other on film.

However, I do not fail to notice that it's _Tara_ Wagner he's shaming, a female character.  Out of the roughly four women represented in this script so far--the Federation president, Captain Alexander, Corax, and Wagner--only one of these has not had a problematic representation.  (That would be Captain Alexander.)  The other female characters are called out by a male character as a plagiarist, called out by a male character for not being friendly enough or smiling enough, and shamed by a male character for not being understanding enough of an enemy who just tried to kill her and has brutally killed many people she identifies with.  At the same time, no male characters have suffered the same treatment.  This is a profoundly disturbing pattern of disrespect for women.  It shows either a phenomenal level of male privilege or an existing unpleasant attitude towards women.

One last thing I found interesting about this scene is that Corax—the intel officer manning ops—had only a single line in the entire battle sequence. (“Dead in space, sir. I think—wait…their plasma’s igniting!”) She provided no input on Klingon tactics or anything else of use. As best I can tell, her job was to sit there and look pretty. Not a good look, particularly when put in the context of the overall treatment of female characters.

So much for your intelligent, efficient, best-in-her-field, officer.


	6. Poor Tara. (1/2)

Pages 17 to 20 in version 11 and Page 15 in version 7.3.

I broke this one into two parts because it was getting a little long.

Yesterday’s critique ended with Garth passive aggressively shaming Lieutenant Tara Wagner for expressing satisfaction over their victory against the Klingons. Fortunately, any awkwardness that could arise from this choice (other than Wagner looking away) is interrupted by a message from Admiral Not-Ramirez. Garth wants it on screen and we get a little technobabble about why communications are not working, and it doesn’t really matter because he tells the Chief Engineer to get communications to work and route the message to the conference room. It’s all filler that was in the earlier draft and survived…with more technobabble.

And then we get a brand new scene.

> **Garth and Tanaka head for the turbolift. Wagner moves to follow them but Corax cuts her off.**
> 
> **Corax: We’ll get the next one, Captain.**
> 
> **Garth nods, understands. The doors close. Corax pulls Wagner aside to talk more privately. The young woman bristles.**
> 
> **Wagner: Commander, I get it. I shouldn’t have spoken out like—**

I’m hitting this point again because it’s important. Wagner, a young woman, has just been humiliated in front of her coworkers by her boss, an older man who is highly respected and a hero of the Federation. She knows that his little speech was directed at her. This was not just indicated by her behavior during the speech, but also through this acknowledgement. Furthermore, she’s now expecting additional chastisement, which tells you what kind of ship the _Ares_ is.  It's the kind of ship where there isn't a lot of understanding of how people work on the part of senior officers.

> **Corax: It’s not that, Lieutenant. I just— (softly, after a moment) “Loss is the shape we never get to take.” My mother told me that once.**
> 
> **Wagner: I don’t understand.**

Neither do I. Oh, I get that the writer wants to imply Corax’s shapeshifting ability, but “loss” is an emotion. Of _course,_ you can’t take that shape. This is one of those things that sounds profound, but is entirely nonsensical. I think it’s meant to be a koan, but it’s[ meaningless. ](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IceCreamKoan)

> **Corax: I’m trying to say that I’m sorry. (off Wagner’s look) Tara, I know about you and Zoe…your engagement. We all do.**

That would be the Zoe we saw in the flashback, the Zoe whose body is presumably in the morgue.

Yes. Garth just publicly humiliated a grieving young woman, a woman who had recently lost the love of her life. Not only that, he didn’t pull her aside to clarify or apologize or even just see how she was doing. He walked off.

I really have to hand it to Jonathan Lane. In [“Why We Fight”](https://fanfilmfactor.com/2018/02/28/why-we-fight-the-first-ever-axanar-illustrated-short-story/) his Garth did this same thing to a young officer who lost his sister.  It’s always impressive when a fan fiction writer perfectly captures the character.

> **Wagner gasps. Looking around, she sees Caine and Cross nodding warmly…and her eyes fill with tears.**

Ah, so _now_ her comrades are going to be supportive.  They didn’t so much as look embarrassed that they had to witness his nasty display of superiority when it was happening (although, to be fair, good actors would've fixed that).

And where was Corax? She had no problem playing dominance games with Garth in his quarters, but she’s suddenly tongue-tied when a grieving person is being shamed for showing grief?  I’m guessing she never calls Garth out on his little performance, even in private. It’s just going to be swept under the rug.

So now we have ship where a young officer feels guilty for failing to uphold the ideals of Starfleet officer by not thinking kindly of the people who _just tried to kill her_ and whose comrades waited until the captain was absent to express anything about the situation.

You know what? I like it.

I don't know that it was meant to, but it shows that Garth is a leader his crew might follow, but one they don't really trust.  _Ares_ is not a well-led ship.  There's subtextual conflict here, and it's beautiful.

> **Wagner: We didn’t want you to think it might interfere with our duties.**

Thus making Tara and Zoe more professional than the captain and intelligence officer.

> **Corax: Of course…it wouldn’t have.**
> 
> **Wagner: She was going to take me to Cape Town when we got back to Earth. To meet her parents. But now—**
> 
> **She breaks down. Corax touches her arm, hoping the gesture is a comfort. To her shock, Wagner leans in and weeps on her shoulder. After an awkward moment, Corax pulls her into a hug. Caine and Cross join them, adding their support.**

So.  I like the subtext that Garth is completely disconnected from his crew (despite other characters acting like he's the best leader ever), but there is one fairly large problem here.

As with the Federation president, this is an attempt at representation that goes sideways.

The trope is colloquially called “[Bury Your Gays,](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BuryYourGays)” and it’s been in use for a long, long time.  Quite simply, there’s a tradition of introducing a token gay character into a story and then killing that character off to further the story or character development of straight characters. In doing so, writers are adopting the position that gay people are expendable or exist to serve the narratives of straight people.

Incidentally, _Star Trek Discovery_ was criticized for possibly using this trope. When gay people and their relationships are horribly underrepresented in film and television, it’s really noticeable when the characters die at higher rates than straight characters. In _Discovery’s_ case, however, it appears that the completed story [will not fit the trope](https://birthmoviesdeath.com/2018/01/09/star-trek-discovery-showrunners-deny-burying-their-gays).

_Axanar_ lacks _Discovery_ 's defense as best as I can tell.

Zoe’s death exists to show the reason Garth has burning eyes. In other words, her death tells us something about Garth.  If we didn't need to see Garth grieving over dead crew members and having a Dramatic Look, Zoe would be alive.

When Tara is chastised by Garth for her momentary expression of grief, the scene is about giving Garth an opportunity to pontificate about Starfleet values and show him as Peace Lover despite his handily beating two Klingon warships.

Finally, this scene where Corax comforts Tara is about Corax. This is Corax showing character growth after receiving Garth’s advice. She’s showing her softer side so the crew will like her regardless of whether or not it's actually believable.  If Corax hasn't done anything to earn Tara's trust to this point, it's hard to believe that Tara would trust her enough to cry on her shoulder now.  A year of negative or neutral interactions can't be corrected with one moment of compassion.  (This could easily work, however, if Corax had been established in the Garth's Quarters scene as standing up for the crew against Garth, and it would've substituted actual assertiveness for that weird dominance-play.  It would also shift the focus of this scene from Corax's character development to Tara's grief.)

At this point in the script, Tara's and Zoe primary purpose is to further the characterization of straight characters.  Despite this, however, my particularly strong reaction to this scene is because Tara _still_ feels the most human of any of the characters introduced so far.  Even Zoe receives a brief bit of development in the next scene that makes her feel more human than Garth does at any point in these twenty pages.  It's much easier to empathize with these two characters, which magnifies the writers' choices.  (I also glanced ahead in the script and Tara's and Zoe story isn't a throwaway.  Tara does get closure down the road.  When I reach that spot, I'll revisit my current thoughts and see if they've changed.)

As a final note, yes, "Bury Your Gays" is a homophobic trope.  That said, it's use does not necessarily mean the writers themselves are homophobic.  It's very likely a consequence of trying to create a meaningful character backstory and increase character diversity while being unaware of the negative connotations.  Privileged?  Perhaps.  But not malicious.


	7. Poor Tara. (2/2)

Pages 17 to 20 in version 11 and Page 15 in version 7.3.

Yesterday, I discussed the first thing that frustrated me about Zoe's death and Tara's humiliation: that it fell neatly into the "Bury Your Gays" trope.

The second thing that frustrates me is the same thing [I called out in “Why We Fight.”](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2018/03/04/critique-why-we-fight-p-5/) This script acts like Garth is some sort of amazing leader.  What we’re seeing is a complete leadership failure.  Also, Garth isn't terribly bright here, but that's just funny.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

> **INT. ARES – A BATTLE-DAMAGED COMPARTMENT**
> 
> **Garth stands amid the twisted and scorched wreckage. Tanaka’s in the doorway behind him, watching his Captain in concern.**

I thought they were on their way to the conference room. I guess Garth got lost.

> **Tanaka: Listen, Kel. I don’t mean to interrupt…whatever this is. But what you said back there on the Bridge? That was pretty good.**

Instead of calling Garth out for how he treated Wagner, suggesting that Garth could’ve been more understanding of his grieving officer, Tanaka _compliments_ him. Of course he did. Garth Sue can do no wrong. He can have no flaws.

And because what the audience just saw was very questionable behavior, we need a character to assure us that it was really good stuff.

But it wasn’t good stuff.  It was horrible treatment of someone who couldn't fight back because the person mistreating her was her commanding officer.

Garth showed a breathtaking lack of empathy and compassion for a grieving subordinate, and he showed a profound lack of leadership. If he had a problem with Tara’s behavior, as a leader, he should have addressed it privately since this was not a _Balance of Terror_ moment. That Garth did not indicates that he either doesn’t understand this basic element of leadership (not to undermine respect and trust by shaming your subordinates) or that he doesn’t care. The latter is a distinct possibility considering the lack of negative consequences for him.

He can talk all he wants about remembering the Klingons are sapient beings, but he's already lost moral superiority because he's doing it at the expense of a grieving person next to him.

> **Garth: I’m not sure I believe it anymore.**

I see Garth is throwing another pity party.

> **Tanaka: I think we both know otherwise.**

Oh. He just wanted Tanaka to prop him up a little more.

I know the writers are going for the “leader losing confidence in his abilities” angle, but it’s not working. It’s not working because it is inconsistent with what we’ve seen of the character so far. Why is it inconsistent? Because it would involve Garth making mistakes or having flaws, and he doesn’t.

> **Garth: (looks around) Why hasn’t this been cleaned up?**
> 
> **Tanaka: It’s Exobiology. We have too much damage that’s higher priority.**

As the ship’s captain, Garth would know which areas damage control teams had to prioritize. This exchange is for the benefit of the audience. It’s an “[As You Know, Bob.](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AsYouKnow?from=Main.AsYouKnowBob)” It’s use here makes Garth look incompetent.

> **Garth: Seven people died in here! Barely more than kids. Not soldiers.**

I’m guessing this is the compartment from the flashback, the one in which Zoe died.

Garth, here, is busy expressing his pain again, just like in the morgue. It comes across as totally false. Partially, the dialogue fails because it’s just too on-the-nose. The rest of its failure is because Garth has yet to show any basic skills in empathizing with suffering.

This isn’t a feeling.  It’s an act.

> **Tanaka: Those kids were scientists. And Starfleet officers. They were exactly where they wanted to be, doing something they believed in.**

Tanaka to the rescue. Just in case Garth was becoming uncomfortable, although I doubt it, Tanaka is here to reassure him that he didn’t just get a bunch of innocent people killed. In fact, their deaths had meaning.

If you mean they died so Garth could angst and give speeches then yep.

> **Garth: Yeah? There’s not much call for exobiology in the middle of a war.**

Then why were they on your ship, _Captain_? Why weren’t you running with essential personnel only?

> **Tanaka: You’d be surprised, actually. Lieutenant Blake told me they’d just gotten a paper published. (off Garth’s look) We’ve been picking stuff up for them here and there during landing parties. Plants and whatnot. In fact, if I’m not mistake, you signed off on it. Guess you forgot.**

Another “As You Know, Bob,” making Garth look foolish.

> **Garth is stunned by this.**

Starfleet’s finest, y’all. The ship’s captain is stunned by the revelation that an exploratory organization is still carrying out its primary mission during a war.

I’m beginning to think his victory was sheer luck. Or, maybe, the crew was responsible for the victory. All of those funny names like “Dragon Claw” and “Icarus” were code words to each other to coordinate without Garth noticing that they weren’t following his orders at all. They’ll let him take the credit, of course. It’s easier than handling one of his [temper tantrums.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1Bg2havovI)

> **Looking down, he spots a small potted plant lying in the debris and picks it up carefully.**
> 
> **Tanaka (cont’d): There see? Stubborn little son of a bitch to survive the decompression like that. Kinda reminds me of you.**

Is it [prickly and hard to eradicate](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Master_and_Commander:_The_Far_Side_of_the_World#Jack_Aubrey)?

_Master and Commander_ joke aside, the dead crewmembers were forgotten quite quickly. This scene went from being about their deaths--which was really about Garth, but at least it was concealed--to being about Garth outright.

This only furthers the sense that Garth really wasn’t grieving.

> **Garth laughs then, surprising them both. His friend’s levity is a gift, a rare moment of normal in difficult times.**

You know who isn’t laughing right now? Tara. Zoe Blake’s parents. Those people aren’t laughing. They probably won’t laugh for a very long time.

Sure, this could be Garth expressing grief in an unusual way; however, there have been no indications that such a thing is a part of his character. In order to pull off that interpretation, Garth would need to show the ability to empathize with others’ grief. He hasn’t.

> **Tanaka (cont’d): Come on. I’m pretty sure the conference room’s back this way.**

Apparently the Captain doesn’t know the layout of his ship…and needs to be gently guided around. Of course, I’d be worried too in Tanaka’s place. Guy started laughing at a shrub. There’s more support for my belief that Garth is already unhinged and his crew is handling him with kid gloves.

> **Tanaka smiles and exits. The weight on Garth’s shoulders is just a bit lighter as he follows, taking the plant with him.**

Sue got a trophy.  It reminds him of how awesome and indestructible he is when seven people under his command just died horribly.

You know who that plant would mean something to? Tara. It was probably the last project Zoe worked on before her death. (I searched ahead in the script. The plant is only mentioned once more. It sits on Garth’s desk.  Thinking of other people in a meaningful way is apparently a skill beyond him.)

Between the “Bury Your Gays” trope adding a dash of (likely unintentional) homophobia where it didn't exist before and the strange characterization of Garth, this addition took the script in a wrong direction.

You want to have a chat with Garth and someone in that damaged lab? Have it between Garth and Tara Wagner. Put him in a position to experience her grief, her anger. Force him to face negative consequences for humiliating her on the bridge, for caring more about making a speech than about the person who was suffering _right there_.

A scene between the two of them would have forced Garth to _really_ confront the cost of the war and his orders, more than looking at bodies in the morgue or dictating an impersonal letter to people light years away.

But that couldn’t happen because it would’ve put the Sue in the uncomfortable position of being wrong.  He wouldn't have been able to pose dramatically while the music swells in the background.  He would have had to really suffer.


	8. The Good, the Bad, and No Ugly

Pages 20 to 24 in version 11 and pages 16 to 19 in version 7.3.

It’s time to return to the Klingon storyline with a visit to Qo’nos. I really like the change made to the establishing shot—the shooting script adds Praxis to the picture. No word on how many pieces it’s in, but I don’t care. We then jump to the capital city and a Klingon war room, which is unchanged from the earlier draft.

I’m still not crazy about the talking heads…battle scene…talking heads structure that developed in this story. You want to see characters doing things, not talking about them. However, after Mr. Hunt’s [fantastic Facebook comment](https://www.facebook.com/groups/axamonitor/permalink/552479731933545/?comment_id=552587655256086&comment_tracking=%7B%22tn%22%3A%22R5%22%7D) discussing some of the challenges he faced in revising the screenplay, I think this structure was already locked in place with little room for change.

This scene between Chang and the Klingon generals has greatly improved, however. In the early draft, the scene begins with Chang giving his generals an “As You Know, Bob” (it seriously starts with “As you can see…”) which is all about how awesome the Klingon Empire is and how easily they’re winning the war.

The revised scene actually begins with character tension. The first Klingon general criticizes Chang’s battle plan as reckless. Given what the audience has seen of Chang, this is a somewhat risky move. It’s fantastic. It gets even better because the second general agrees. I especially enjoy how the dialogue flows in this exchange.

> **Klingon General #1: Without the D-7 commanders, your plan is reckless, Chang. A fool’s errand.**
> 
> **Klingon General #2: Agreed. And a fool’s only achievement is death.**

General #2 is clearly responding to and building on the statement made by General #1. It’s very smoothly done; it sounds like a natural conversation. What’s more, it sounds like the kind of conversation two Klingons would have.

Chang’s response builds on it further, but also gives more insight into his relationship with these two generals. He doesn’t, as the audience might think, go off on them. Instead, he clearly has some sort of positive working relationship with them.

> **Chang: Morock owes me a life debt. He will follow me when the time comes. If we move quickly, each of you will have a D-7 before the Council can—**

This is some solid work. The audience can infer that Chang’s plan is not as reckless as it appears on the surface because of his relationship with a character we have not yet met—but a possibly interesting one due to the presence of a life debt—and his relationships with these two generals. (I’m wondering about the other two who are still unmentioned.)

There’s also an undercurrent of tension with the comment about the Council, the possibility that Chang isn’t on the level.

I like it. If you’re going to have talking heads, the dialogue needs to do more work. This dialogue does. Very nice.

This conversation is interrupted by Kharn’s arrival. We get more description in the shooting script than the earlier draft, which more clearly sets the atmosphere of the scene. It’s another good change.

Kharn brings news that they’ve taken another planet and a species call the Tzenkethi aren’t planning to interfere in the war. The end of the scene, in which the generals celebrate while Kharn remains stoic, follows the earlier draft with only a little additional description. Perhaps the most critical is that additional tension between Garth and Kharn is added by means of Chang saluting more slowly than the other generals and Kharn glaring at Chang, quite possibly because he noticed.

The side-by-side really shows what an impressive impact minor changes to characterization and tension can have on a scene. The most significant change—three lines of dialogue at the beginning—takes this from a very flat scene to a more dynamic scene. Indeed, it no longer feels like simply the Klingon view of what we already saw with the Federation side. It tells us something new.

This was an excellent edit, and I wouldn’t mind seeing this scene on screen. Ditch Generals #3 and #4, though. They seem to have been forgotten and don’t add anything. It’s more interesting to think of Chang conspiring with two close comrades than conspiring with two close comrades in the presence of two silent witnesses.

From the Klingon War Room, we go to our next talking heads scene: the Ares Conference Room. At least it’s no longer the “Ares CIC,” which had me thinking we were fighting some Cylons.

Essentially, Admiral Not-Ramirez, Tanaka, and Garth are discussing the war. We find out, once again, the Federation has lost Mizar, and also a bunch of other things. I’ve [already covered](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/01/meetings/) this part because it’s the same as in the earlier draft.  There’s one little change here in the description after Wagner and Corax discuss Vulcan intelligence acquiring the D-7 plans.

> **Wagner: Vulcan Intelligence? How is that possible?**
> 
> **Corax: It’s possible. And they wouldn’t be very effective if you knew how they operate.**
> 
> **Wagner smiles and nods at Corax, conceding the point.**

It’s virtually the same as the earlier draft (in that one “they all chuckle”), but it doesn’t quite work for me in light of Wagner’s new characterization. It’s mood whiplash. Although it has been a few minutes screen time, in her storyline there hasn’t been much time at all since her humiliation in front of Garth and uncharacteristically vulnerable moment with someone who appeared to be at least neutral towards her for over a year. It seems unlikely she’d now be up for a little joke.

The following conversation between Garth and Admiral Not-Ramirez remains unchanged. They trust Soval and _Ares_ is going to a planet to receive the plans.

A couple new lines of characterization make an appearance as well.

> **Garth: Soval is a good man, Lieutenant [Wagner]. He’s done more for the Federation than most of us will ever know.**

As an aside, after his last display, it would be a good idea if he lectured someone other than Wagner in this scene. It’s a little…much...to have the same character on the receiving end of Garth's superiority complex unless you're trying for some unfortunate subtext.

> **Tanaka: As for the rest of the Vulcans…at least we know that tiger doesn’t change it’s stripes.**
> 
> **Corax: (bristles) Well…thank goodness someone around here does then.**
> 
> **She exits. Tanaka appears taken aback. Wagner looks confused, not sure what just happened. Garth addresses her quickly.**

I’m with Wagner on this one. I’m not quite sure what’s going on either. In a very brief span of time, Corax goes from making a joke to being pissed off. I think it’s a reference to her shape-shifting, but the confusion of the metaphor with a literal interpretation doesn’t quite work. Also, her abrupt exit is again quite rude and unprofessional. She comes across as a teenager, not an adult.

> **Garth: Lieutenant Wagner, coordinate with Commander Carter. Let’s assume we’re walking into a hostile situation. (as she turns to leave) And Tara? You okay?**

Did…did Garth just ask if Tara was okay? Wow. Did not see that coming.

This line could’ve worked too…if we hadn’t see everything we just saw with Garth’s treatment of Tara. However, in light of what the audience was shown, it’s odd. It’s like when someone lacks empathy and compensates by learning social scripts. Sure, they can go through the motions, but it doesn’t come across as naturally as actual empathy.

If Garth empathized with Tara, the “good riddance” wouldn’t have been a signal for a lecture; it would’ve been a signal to take her aside and see how she was holding up. Instead, “good riddance” triggered a lecture, and then he randomly decides during a meeting that he needs to see how she’s doing.

> **Wagner: Yes, sir. I think so. For now.**

I don’t buy this response. There’s no way her relationship with Garth is close enough for her to be so vulnerable. The only answer she’d really give him is “Yes, sir.”

> **Garth nods at her warmly and she exits.**

Again, it comes across like someone following a script of “How to Be a Good Leader” instead of actually responding with empathy.

> **Tanaka turns to his Captain apologetically.**
> 
> **Tanaka: Kel, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to step in it like that.**

This really would’ve benefited from more setup. As best I can tell, Tanaka doesn’t really have reason to apologize like this.

> **Garth: Don’t worry about it. Corax is still finding her way around. Let her go cool off a little bit and then go talk to her. (pauses, deadpan) Just, you know…bring backup.**

The script has already established that Corax has been on the ship for _over a year_. That’s plenty of time for her to get her act together. She’s certainly being shown more leniency than Tara was for reacting emotionally after losing her fiancée.

I don’t think it was intentional, but I think it’s an accurate representation of what can happen when someone is sleeping with the boss. Different rules for the lover than the coworkers.

This is not good leadership…and also why you don’t sleep with the boss.

> **At Garth’s smile, Tanaka laughs and nods.**

At least, he’s not laughing at a plant.

So, the first scene we covered worked much better than the second. The characterization of the Starfleet officers is just all over the place, except for Corax, who is fifteen.  The Klingons, however, are actually interesting. I almost wish this had been a story about Chang and Kharn and not a story about Garth.


	9. Chess Match

Pages 24 to 28 in version 11 and pages 19 to 22 in version 7.3.

It's a super short post today because I didn't want to break up the away mission we're about to start.

We come, once again, to The Vulcan Scene. This is the only scene of _Axanar_ that was filmed. ([View it on YouTube here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrlNSGbgrlQ&list=PL-tk1t1bPBleXt6X3czR8oQCYxMM-LXaA))  Since it was unchanged between the two drafts, I’ve [already covered it](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/02/the-vulcan-scene/).

The Vulcan Scene fades into dramatic slo-mo fire, and screaming, and sirens, and explosions (as it did in the earlier draft). I’m sure the music is swelling.

Anyway, Kharn is in his quarters having a vision and studying a three-dimensional chess set with his goblet of bloodwine. Everyone needs to unwind after a long day at work, even Klingons.

This scene is virtually the same as the one in the [earlier draft](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/03/a-quiet-moment-with-kharn/).  However, this one does take advantage of the earlier improved characterization to further build on the tension between Chang and Kharn.

Some of the changes are quite small. For example, Chang no longer blurts out his message on entering Kharn’s quarters. Instead, it’s broken up.

> **Chang: Undying One, the High Council demands an update.**
> 
> **Kharn: (suspicious) Does it indeed?**
> 
> **Chang: They wish to know why we’ve left Qo’nos in the middle of planning our final campaign.**

This is an example of a very small change that has a very large effect. That one inserted line creates tension between Kharn and Chang where it did not previously exist. It’s consistent with the tension in the two previous Klingon scenes, and consistent with the characterization.

I like it. I really do.

So, they discuss the chess set. Chang views it as a toy, and Kharn corrects him. We get additional developed dialogue here as well.

> **Kharn: Tread carefully, Commander. (beat) Were you not aware that the finest minds in Starfleet use this…toy, as you call it…to teach battle strategy at their Academy?**

This line was common to both drafts.

> **Chang: Impossible!**
> 
> **Kharn: On the contrary, it hones one’s ability to outthink the enemy…to see many moves ahead. (another pointed glance) A useful skill, would you not agree?**

More subtext! The writers are doing an excellent job at not only creating a smooth, realistic dynamic between these characters, but also adding additional layers of characterization and raising the tension. There’s a chess game between the two characters, and Kharn is many, many moves ahead. This is a fun conversation for everyone involved: writer, director, actors, and audience.

I love it. I also love how it more closely ties to the visual metaphor of the chessboard than the conversation in the earlier draft.

> **Chang: (looking nervous) But how can this be true? How can you know of it?**

In the earlier draft, this line immediately followed “impossible,” so all of that subtext did not exist.

It’s brilliantly economical on the part of whoever reworked this scene.

> **Kharn: I see everything, Chang. (off Chang’s reaction) And we have our spies, just as they have theirs. No war is ever won without them.**

The first sentence is a new addition, and it’s fantastic closure for the latest round of subtextual conflict between Kharn and Chang. It also does a nice job of associating Kharn’s conflict with Chang and Kharn’s conflict with the Federation. All of which are tied to the chessboard.

The rest of the scene continues as in the earlier draft.

As with the last Klingon scene, I’m once again impressed with how such small changes served to punch up the characters and conflict, as well as give the scene an extra dimension. This is another one that would have been a lot of fun to see on screen.

What’s interesting is that (thus far) the Klingons show much more nuance and consistent characterization than the Starfleet officers. I think this might be for the same reason the TNG characters suffered early in the run of that show. In this story, the Starfleet characters have to meet certain idealized standards. They aren’t people as much as a cookie cutter “Starfleet Type.” The Klingons, on the other hand, both as antagonists—and therefore allowed to be less than perfect and morally ambiguous—and as non-Starfleet, have more room to be actual three-dimensional characters.


	10. Return to the Fetch Quest

Pages 28 to 33 in version 11 and pages 23 to 27 in version 7.3.

We’re beginning what the early draft informs us is Act Two—mercifully omitted from the shooting script, probably since the shooting script is for film and not television—and the shift from space battles to the spy story really highlights one of the weaknesses of this story: the plot plods.

Ultimately, the plodding plot stems from the problem identified by Jody Wheeler in his review of the earlier draft: [Garth has no agency](http://axamonitor.com/doku.php?id=locked_script).

For the story to have momentum, protagonists have to be active. They have to make meaningful decisions that affect the plot. Garth doesn’t. He’s reactive.   Indeed, in close to thirty pages, Garth has angsted and fought a cool space battle, but he hasn’t made a single decision that drives the story forward. More than that, Garth hasn’t shown any strong desires that might lead to a decision that will drive the story forward.

We know Chang seeks some sort of power because of the newly added subtext for his character. We know Kharn wants to destroy the Federation because he said as much. What does Garth want? We don’t know. We can’t tell if he’s fighting to end the war because he’s tired of seeing people die, like Sisko in “A Pale Moonlight,” or if he’s fighting because he’s an explorer with a newly discovered talent for war.

He’s just…there.

Only a page one rewrite and significant reworking of Garth could fix this problem. Unfortunately, this script was never exposed to that sort of editing.

In any case, _Ares_ is now orbiting a planet with a research outpost. As in the [earlier draft](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/the-fetch-quest-12/), some officers (including my favorite, Lt. Wagner) beam down to the planet with “Blackshirts.” They’re like Redshirts, but more fashionable.

We get another minor change that makes a positive difference right off the bat. Where the earlier draft went with the “tell” approach by informing us that the Blackshirts “immediately scatter, hunting for targets,” the shooting script takes the “show” approach.

> **Wagner: Spread out. Set your phasers to stun. Captain’s orders.**
> 
> **The Blackshirts comply and scatter, hunting for targets.**

I just love how Wagner appends “Captain’s orders” to those commands. The Sue must always be present lest we forget who’s in charge. God forbid Wagner, the tactical officer, know basic landing party procedures.

But, honestly, I prefer to think Wagner is covering for Garth, much like Tanaka getting him to the conference room. She’s trying desperately to convince the Blackshirts that he knows what he’s doing and isn’t currently debating Sun Tzu with a potted plant.

Unintentional subtext makes every story more interesting.

The following scene in the transporter room is largely unchanged save some minor changes to dialogue. Garth gets a little more characterization through some altered lines.

> **Leonov [the chief engineer]: Yes, but it’s playing havoc with our sensors. I have at least found us a clear com channel.**
> 
> **Garth: Small favors then.**

I like it. It’s a human thing to say. You know, like “good riddance.”

I will never get over that scene.

> **Garth and Corax step onto the Transporter platform. Corax hands Garth an earpiece and he puts it on. She wears one too.**

Stylish. Maybe not entirely canon, but, like with the Blackshirts, very fashionable.

> **Garth (cont’d): Let’s be ready for anything. Keep one hand on those controls, Alexei. (pulls his phaser) Energize.**

It’s more colorful than the previous “Well then, let’s be ready.” I like it. Very Kirk-like.

So, Garth and Corax beam down to join the party. Wagner reports in, just like in the earlier draft, and Corax and Garth head off to explore the interior of the research outpost. They find the dead Vulcan, and Garth gets another upgraded line. In the original draft, he merely says “He’s dead.” In this draft, he says

> **Corax: I assume this is the V’Shar agent we were supposed to meet?**
> 
> **Garth: Yeah. (checks vitals—nothing) Though I’d imagined it playing out a little differently.**

Again, very nice. I don’t want to imagine how Garth imagined it playing out—it probably involved a fair amount of the Vulcan agent gushing over how logical Garth is and totally the best Vulcan since Surak despite being Izarian—but it’s not bad at all. Garth is almost coming off as a person in these lines, which is a nice change from how he was in the first act.

Anyway, as in the earlier draft, the Klingon attacks.

> **Garth turns and sees EROK (a Klingon) charging at him, weapon raised. He ducks, narrowly avoiding Erok’s swing. Garth takes a few blows, but closes the distance between them to deliver a blistering combination of punches. When Erok staggers back, Corax quickly stuns him with her phaser.**

Yes, Garth is so awesome that he’s able to fight a _Klingon_ barehanded, not only withstanding the Klingon’s own punches, but giving as good as he gets _while injured_.

Keep that in mind. Garth was wearing sling on his left arm in an earlier scene.

I’m going to just guess here that whoever conceived of this little Awesome Garth moment has never had an injury requiring a sling. Even if he can avoid wearing it while walking around the ship, he’s not going to be in a position to “deliver a blistering combination of punches.” The physical ability won’t be there due to the muscle/tendon/joint damage that’s healing.

At least this script remembers he was injured.

> **Gritting his teeth in pain as he holds his reinjured left side, Garth pulls out his communicator.**

With what hand? Presumably, he can’t use his left hand, since that side is painfully injured. He can’t use his right hand since it’s holding his left side.

Oh. My. God. Garth has three hands!

No wonder Corax likes him.

Anyway, Garth has the dead Vulcan and unconscious Klingon beamed up to _Ares._ He and Corax then discuss what to do next.

> **Corax: Captain, that Klingon isn’t down here alone. We have an opportunity.**
> 
> **Garth: Not that one, Commander.**
> 
> **Corax: Kel, this is what I do.**

Very professional use of a nickname. Just what I’d expect from Starfleet’s finest while they’re on a critical mission.

> **Garth: I know. I’m just saying…not that one. He was only a sergeant. If we’re really doing this, let’s do it right. Pick a Bridge officer.**

Sue strikes again. You’d think an intel officer, one of the best in her field, would know to replace the highest ranking person she could. If she did, however, Garth wouldn’t be able to show off his strategic brilliance. So she has to be incompetent.

Honestly, a better move would be for her to argue that replacing the sergeant makes sense because he’s the one they have, and there’s no guarantee they’ll be able to capture or kill a higher ranking Klingon. Garth could then argue for the riskier approach since it has the possibility of a higher payoff. That would show them as equally competent, just holding different perspectives. It could even show Garth as something of a gambler, a character trait that could influence the final battle plan.

Alas, that would involve changing the scene considerably. Since it’s a Garth scene, I’m not sure that’s permitted.

At the very least, however, the scene is much more clear about what's going on than in the earlier draft.  That scene was coy to the point of being confusing.

> **Garth smirks.**

I’m pretty sure that smirk is Garth’s normal expression.

> **Corax nods, gives his arm a squeeze and exits.**

Since the script doesn’t specify, I’m assuming it’s the third arm.

Also, this little exchange wasn’t spelled out in the earlier draft. There, the “shared a brief moment.” I like the added specificity, but it’s just so damn unprofessional. I’m really struggling to buy these people as the best in their respective fields. They’re like a couple of high school kids.

So, Garth pokes around like he does in the earlier draft and finds the data disk in a copy of Shakespeare. Because, of course he does. It couldn’t be a book by or about a chess master because, while on the nose, that would at least be topical when it comes to heavy-handed symbolism. No, in _Star Trek VI_ they quoted Shakespeare, therefore, Shakespeare.

There wasn’t much to say about these pages. Largely, the scenes were word-for-word the same as in the earlier draft. The changes had no significant effect on character or story, but did make the scenes read a little better. It’s the kind of polish you see on late-stage edits.


	11. Starfleet (Un)Professionalism

Pages 33 to 38 in version 11 and pages 27 to 31 in version 7.3.

The fetch quest for the data disk—because that’s what it feels like, boss fights and everything—continues as in the [earlier draft](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/05/the-fetch-quest-22/).

Garth has a plan.

It’s still not a good plan because nothing significant has changed in this part of the shooting draft. We get a little cleaned up dialogue, but that’s it. For example,

> **Tanaka: With pleasure, Captain. Ares out. (to the com) Red Alert! All hands to battle stations. Let’s go hunting.** (early draft)

becomes

> **Tanaka: I’ll let you know. Ares out. (nods off screen) Battle stations.** (shooting script)

I guess he didn’t want a lecture on respecting the sapience of the Klingons.

While the former [General Zaroff](http://www.classicshorts.com/stories/danger.html) is off chasing the D-6, I’m delighted to report that Starfleet professionalism is still ruling on the planet’s surface.

Yes, Commander Carter still fights a Klingon hand-to-hand in a knife fight when he’s supposed to be covering his shipmates from a tactically advantageous position. We’re going to assume Captain Garth’s orders included that [Rule of Cool](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RuleOfCool) should outweigh anything approaching common sense.

I’m guessing he’s never going to be lectured for risking his shipmates, the entire mission, and a potential Starfleet victory against an overwhelming force to satisfy some testerone-fueled need to get in a knife fight with a Klingon.

I feel like the higher the rank, the less qualified the individual. That’s [might actually be canon](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/InsaneAdmiral), though.

So, while Carter is busy rolling around on the ground with a Klingon, Kharn and his forces arrive at the outpost, dragging a captured Lieutenant Feng. I’m sure Feng would’ve really appreciated if the lookout with the rifle had actually been looking out.

Kharn gets an extra line of dialogue that really enhances his character and provides more insight into the Klingons. Garth also gets a little extra dialogue, which provides insight into his character too. He actually remembers to ask Lt. Feng if he’s okay.

> **Garth: Your man inside is dead, I’m afraid. Self defense.**
> 
> **Kharn: He served his purpose.**
> 
> **Garth: (to Feng) Lieutenant Feng? You all right?**
> 
> **Feng: Starfleet strong, sir.**

I just love that Starfleet has become some sort of macho organization _a la_ the pop culture representation of the Marine Corps. (Not that Marines aren’t awesome, of course. Just that pop culture represents them as being testosterone personified instead of well-trained, dedicated professionals with a strong sense of identity.)

My amusement aside, I do applaud this single line characterization of Feng. It can be played straight or subverted as bravado by an officer who is terrified but doesn’t want to let his CO down or his enemies know they’ve gotten to him. (Hint: The latter choice is the stronger one.) It’s the kind of bit part an actor would love to play.

> **Feng’s taken a beating, but he’s tough. Garth nods proudly.**

Oh, Garth. Never stop being you.

> **Kharn: Captain, I believe you have something that belongs to the Klingon Empire.**
> 
> **Garth: (holds up the book) What…this? I wouldn’t have taken you for the literary type.**

Starfleet’s finest, right here.

I’m guessing he slept through his courses in intergalactic diplomacy.

Outside of James Bond, is it really a good idea to insult the leader of your enemy’s forces while he’s holding one of your own people hostage?

Also, this goes back to Garth’s little speech. (When I said I wasn’t getting over that, I meant it.) Let’s refresh our memories:

> **Garth: This war is ugly enough. It doesn’t have to make us so. Whatever our feelings given recent events, those were sentient beings. And we’re Starfleet officers. Let’s try not to forget it…** (p. 17)

Garth’s speech is about taking the high road regardless of one’s feelings. It’s about maintaining a certain level of professionalism and respect for one’s enemy. Now that Garth is facing that enemy directly, he’s utterly failing to maintain his Starfleet professionalism. He’s also failing to look for an opportunity to take even the smallest step towards peace. Instead, he’s making a fairly juvenile and antagonistic comment.

Fortunately, Kharn is considerably more restrained.

Anyway, they’re interrupted by a dramatic noise as Corax knocks something over to draw one of them away. The one she gets is “K’Rax.” I know why they went with this name, but it still strikes me as an utterly implausible coincidence.

It’s just too much. I can buy a shape-shifter replacing a Klingon bridge officer, but I can’t buy that they have virtually the same name.

So, Garth looks up to the ridge (where Carter is).

> **Kharn (cont’d): Your man on the ridge is engaged, Captain. The advantage is mine.**

The line hasn’t changed, but I’m highlighting it again to make a point: the only reason Carter is engaged is because he has abysmal judgment.

The Klingons aren’t some wily opponent. They’re successful because Garth crewed _Ares_ with incompetents. They’re also successful because they’re not allowed to be utterly ruthless when facing these incompetents. They have to play fair.

Thus, Garth is able to hand over the book and not be immediately shot. (Or, better, shot and then have his body searched.)

The scene proceeds the same as in the earlier draft. Corax kills K’Rax to take his place, and Chang searches the book for the disk. He doesn’t find it, of course. Kharn demands it, and Garth hands one over. (Not the right disk, of course. So many problems could’ve been averted if Kharn had just shot him and searched his body.) Then the two commanders get simultaneous phone calls updating them on the progress of the space battle, which we don’t get to see. That might be a good thing.

> **Garth closes his communicator and looks at Kharn casually.**
> 
> **Garth (cont’d): As I’m sure you’ve just heard, the situation has changed. You have us here, but I’ve got your ship. Shall we call this a draw, Kharn? Try and talk it out?**

Interesting. This can be read two different ways. Garth could be mocking Kharn, suggesting there’s no way either of them could ever talk out their differences.   That goes back to how he’s treated Kharn thus far.

Alternatively, Garth could be playing this offer straight. That’s interesting because he’s only willing to talk from a position of power over the other person. This suggests that talk for Garth is not about two different sides coming together to find a common ground, or a way of avoiding potential violence when he’s in a less powerful position, but rather a way of cementing his superiority. In the conversation now, he gets to dictate the terms.

> **Kharn: Of what shall we talk, Captain? A Federation that expands without restraint, even unto Klingon space? No. The time for talk is over.**

Which is why Kharn didn’t just cut Feng’s throat, shoot Garth, and search the body for the disk.

You can’t tell me Kharn is in a bloody fight for the life of his people and show me someone who isn’t willing to do whatever it takes to protect them.

Anyway, the writer ended up in a corner because no one is saying “yes, and” in this exchange, but is fortunately bailed out by Corax, who is now K’Rax.

> **Then Garth sees something odd: K’Rax winks at him.**

I like to think it’s a sexy wink, just for a little more of that Starfleet professionalism.


	12. "I'm a Sue, Not a Doctor!"

Pages 38 to 40 in version 11 and pages 31 to 33 in version 7.3.

Yesterday’s critique ended with Garth and Kharn at an impasse. Since the original writer (these scenes haven’t changed from the earlier draft save a little added characterization) could not imagine how Garth might talk or think his way out of this situation, Garth gets lucky.

Remember Carter, the officer messing around with that Klingon when he’s supposed to be covering his comrades?

Yeah. Improbably, he wins his knife fight and starts shooting at Kharn and the other Klingons.  (All of this is still the same as the earlier draft.)

The Good Guys aren’t winning here because they’re smarter or more skilled than the Bad Guys. They’re winning because the All-Mighty Writer declares it must be so. This unfortunate choice serves to completely drain the scene of tension. Sure, it’s cool and action-oriented, but there are no stakes. You know the Good Guys will come out on top. Moreover, you’re not even curious as to _how_ they’ll come out on top. Why? You already know the answer: they’ll get lucky.

Well, except for Feng.

> **Feng crouches down beside Garth as the transporter effect begins to take them. But Garth sees something Feng doesn’t. Chang stands and fires his disruptor at Feng’s back.**
> 
> **Garth (cont’d): NO—**
> 
> **INT. ARES – TRANSPORTER ROOM**
> 
> **Garth, Wagner, Feng, Rahman, and Diaz materialize on the platform. Feng immediately cries out and collapses.**
> 
> **Garth: —FENG!**

Garth is trying to convince me that he’s distressed. The problem is that it’s so cliché, all I’m thinking of it [this](https://youtu.be/5Ymcq7BNgiI?t=217). (Yeah, it's Quinto's "Khaaaaaannnnn!" from _Into Darkness_.  I cringed so hard in the theater when I saw that for the first time.)

You never want to go with the obvious choice. At this point, the [“Big ‘No!’”](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BigNo) is so overused, it’s painful.

One does appreciate, however, the economy in killing Feng to ratchet up a little tension and angst since he’s been better characterized than the other expendable NPCs (except Carter, perhaps, who should’ve died for his abysmal judgment.)

> **Garth and the landing party scramble to help the Lieutenant as Leonov checks his controls.**
> 
> **Leonov: Transporter Four has Carter, sir.**
> 
> **The intercom whistles. Garth reluctantly leaves Feng’s side to answer it.**

I know that the script wants me to think Garth cares for his subordinates, but it’s showing me he has a bad sense of prioritization. He’s not a medical officer; he’s a ship captain. His ship is in a dangerous situation. His job is to delegate Feng’s care to the appropriate people and concern himself with protecting the ship as a whole.

Anyway, Tanaka is calling to inform him that that _Ares_ will shortly be tangling with a D-7. Garth orders the ship to run.

> **Wagner: (at Feng’s side) Captain, his wound…it’s bad.**
> 
> **Garth: Rahman, Diaz – get him to Sickbay, fast!**

Our Brilliant Commander, y’all.

He saw Chang shoot Feng.

He saw Feng collapse.

He “scrambled to help” Feng and didn’t want to leave his side.

Somehow, he still managed to miss that Feng was seriously injured and needed to go to Sickbay immediately. He was able to emote over Feng’s wound, but was not actually concerned enough to give the immediate order for the others to take him to Sickbay. Instead, he waited until after the phone call.

Did not even give a one line “Get him to Sickbay now” as he hustled from Feng’s side to the intercom.

With a captain like this, Starfleet doesn’t need the Klingons. He’s going to do in their officers one at a time through negligence.

> **They sling Feng’s arms over their shoulders and exit. Leonov races out ahead of them to clear the way. Wagner steps down.**

I’m sure Feng is grateful that someone is finally taking him to get medical help now that the All-Knowing Writer has wrung every bit of angst possible out of his existence.

> **Wagner: (alarmed) Sir…where’s Corax?**
> 
> **Garth: On a mission. Everything that happened down there is classified. You’re not to speak of it with anyone. Understood?**
> 
> **She doesn’t. But she nods anyway.**

This order existed in the earlier draft. As a critical difference, however, it is no longer directed at the entire landing party and Leonov (who was operating the transporter). It’s only directed at Wagner.

Furthermore, it wasn’t edited in such a way as to make it clear that she needs to pass on the information to her team that this is a classified mission. It’s written as an order for her and her alone. The “understood” implies that Garth doesn’t think she will understand a simple order. It’s not authoritative; it’s unnecessarily condescending.

Addressed to the group as in the earlier draft, Garth came off as a bit of an ass, but not terrible. Addressed to Wagner alone, Garth comes off as problematic in his treatment of women. Again. This treatment is particularly troubling in light of his earlier established character as a man who sees no problem with humiliating a female subordinate in front of her co-workers, a subordinate who has recently suffered a loss.

The worst part is that this subtext could have been avoided entirely by switching Wagner’s and Leonov’s positions. Feng was part of Wagner’s department so it would be a reasonable character response for her to escort him to Sickbay with the others—the team stays together. Leonov had already expressed confusion over Corax’s absence and been given a cryptic response to his statement he couldn’t find her bio-sign. (“You won’t.”) It would be a reasonable character response for him to follow-up with Garth and ask for clarification.

At the very least, the response should not have been a direct copy from one draft to the next. It should have been rewritten to clarify it was a general order for the landing party that Wagner was responsible for enforcing. Furthermore, it should’ve been rewritten to showcase Garth’s professionalism.

 

But if it had been, I’d have said it was wildly out of character for our Sue.


	13. The Chase

Pages 40 to 45 in version 11 and pages 33 to 37 in version 7.3.

Now that _Ares_ is squared away, the story takes us back to the Klingons to see what Kharn is up to. [The scene begins as it does in the earlier draft](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/06/the-artlessness-of-war-12/), with Chang chewing out a Klingon officer for letting _Ares_ beat them…and then vaporizing him.

I guess the Klingon officer didn’t get the memo that only Kharn is allowed to make things easy for Our Heroes by being incompetent.

This moment, in which Chang shoots the officer and Kharn reprimands him for the action, _does_ work better in the shooting script than in the earlier draft. It’s another instance of Chang attempting to subtly usurp Kharn’s position, but it builds on the instances in the prior Klingon scenes.

In any case, now that the officer is dead, Corax gets to take over his station at Tactical. It certainly leads to the question of how she has the knowledge to perform K’Rax’s duties. She may have his form, but she doesn’t necessarily know his mannerisms or have his knowledge base. Those are the things that will trip up a spy. Those are also the things that can add a lot of tension to her scenes. I’m guessing, however, they won’t be made use of.

With Corax’s presence on the ship, I wish this were her and Kharn’s story more than Garth’s and Starfleet’s. There’s a lot of potential here for a high-stakes espionage plot in the middle of a power struggle between Kharn and Chang while they’re trying to defeat the Federation. Tell me that’s not awesome.

Kharn calls up Chang’s friend, Morock, and orders him to destroy _Ares._ I like the addition of Kharn actually naming Morock as a friend of Chang’s. It’s a subtle message in their power game.

> **Chang looks uncomfortable, knowing his position is perilous.**

Message received.

As much as like these elements, I am still laughing over the wooden pedestal by Kharn’s chair, which appears to exist solely so he can slam a knife into it for dramatic effect. Rule of Cool isn’t always the best idea.

Having spent enough time with the Klingons, but unfortunately not nearly enough with Corax, the story jumps back to _Ares_. The scene is virtually the same as in the earlier draft, but one of Garth’s lines now carries more character. It goes from

> **Garth: No, we aren’t. We need an advantage. What’s nearby?** (earlier draft)

to

> **Garth: No, we aren’t. We need a home field advantage. What’s the neighborhood look like?** (shooting script)

It’s a minor tweak, but a good one.

The story makes a third jump to the D-7. When I first critiqued the earlier draft, I found these jumps lacking in tension. Maybe I’m just feeling charitable today, but I think they might actually have been able to work with some sharp acting, directing, and editing. The trick would be to keep the actors snappy with the dialogue—not leaving too long of a pause between a line and a response—and not linger too long at the ends of scenes. Maybe even cut last lines of dialogue like Tanaka’s “scanning,” which is somewhat implied. That might give the story the sense of spiraling towards conflict that, I think, the writers are aiming for.

However, you’d also want to cut any technobabble that interrupts the focus of the scene. For example.

> **Tanaka: There. It’s a class J planet, mass one-point-eight Jupiters. Extensive ring system… mostly water ice, but with high traces of neutronium.**

Not bad so far.

> **That catches Garth’s attention.**
> 
> **Garth: That’ll muck up their sensor readings. It must have been shed by a passing neutron star…gotten swept up by the planet’s gravity.**

I’m sure the writers wanted to indicate Garth is very much a scientist or explorer; they’re taking the Kirk-thinking-aloud approach, but now is very much not the time. The second sentence is new, and it does slow the pace of the dialogue. A better move would have been to cut it and give Garth Tanaka’s next line, since what we need to know about is the gravity well.

> **Tanaka: (nods) The gravity well works in our favor too. Given the D-7’s mass, it should handle like a tug in there.**

_Ares_ heads off for the planet, and Garth takes advantage of the moment to make a new phone call.

> **Garth: Lieutenant Caine, contact Sickbay. I want an update on Feng’s condition as soon as possible.**
> 
> **Caine: Aye, sir.**

You’d think he’d prioritize warning Sickbay that they needed to prepare for more incoming casualties, but, no.

It’s an odd place to have Garth suddenly think about Feng’s well-being. Again, the writers are trying to demonstrate that he cares for his crew, but they’ve picked an inappropriate point to do it. The pacing of these scenes should be accelerating towards the battle, and this short exchange stops the momentum dead. (It’s very likely a line that would be cut in editing in favor of jumping directly to _Ares_ entering orbit around the planet.)

They reach the planet and Garth orders a Red Alert. It’s the same scene as in the earlier draft, but the dialogue is stronger and more professional in this edit.

_Ares_ lays its improvised mines as it dives through the rings, and the D-7 pursues more slowly. There’s a little expanded dialogue on the _Ares_ bridge.

> **Tanaka: The D-7 is right on top of us.**
> 
> **Garth: How close?**
> 
> **Tanaka: Inside five kilometers. (looks up at Garth) Fear of death range.**
> 
> **Garth: Theirs or ours?**

It sounds really cool—I can totally see a kid on the playground using it—but I have no idea what “fear of death range” actually means to these characters. It’s one of those phrases that gives Garth a chance to show a little bravado, but not much else.

Jumping back to the D-7—there really are a lot of cuts in this battle. If not handled well, it definitely would’ve turned out a mess—where Morock orders his ship to fire on the ice. It’s lengthened somewhat from the earlier draft.

> **D-7 Officer: They’re hiding beneath the planet’s rings, Commander. There’s something in the ice… it’s blocking our targeting sensors.** (new sentence) **I can’t lock on.**
> 
> **Morock: The humans are cowards.** (new line)
> 
> **D-7 Officer: Sir, we should be cautious. They may be attempting to lure us—** (new line)
> 
> **Morock: Fire disruptors. Sweep away the ice and pursue!**

This strikes me as false tension because it’s largely unnecessary. We already know there’s a trap. We already know the Klingons are going to fall for it. We don’t really need this attempt to play a “will they or won’t they” moment. Morock’s original line, “Cowards. Fire all disruptors! Sweep away the ice!”, did an excellent job showing him as impulsive to the point of recklessness.

The problem persists after the D-7 sets off one of the torpedoes.

> **D-7 Officer: Helmsman – abort course! (to Morock) As I suspected, sir, they’ve set an ambush…torpedoes deployed beneath the rings.**
> 
> **Morock: Then go around them!**
> 
> **Morock’s officers exchange a brief look that reveals exactly what they think about their commander’s lack of experience.**

Tension is one of those tricky things to manage as a writer. In some scenes, increasing tension with interpersonal conflict is how you improve the scenes. In this sequence, however, the overall pacing is what’s critical for the tension of the battle. In that case, you might sacrifice some interpersonal conflict to keep the pacing high.

Also, you should always sacrifice an “as I suspected” unless you’re writing Sherlock Holmes in the style of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. It’s just a little too on the nose.

So far, the battle is essentially the same as in the earlier draft. I’m pretty sure it was locked in by the existing CG work. Tomorrow, we’ll see if there are any changes to _Ares_ ’s victory.  I wonder if we'll get another lecture about respecting the sapience of the Klingons?


	14. The Battle of the Gas Giant(s)

Pages 45 to 49 in version 11 and pages 37 to 39 in version 7.3.

The battle continues along the same lines, frequently identically, as the earlier draft. Aboard _Ares_ , however, we encounter a scene that defies yesterday’s critique by being lengthened without disrupting the pace of the battle. Indeed, it’s considerably stronger than the original version.

> **Tanaka: Captain, I hate to say it, but we’re fighting outside our weight class. If we stay toe-to-toe with that D-7 we’re in serious trouble.**
> 
> **Garth: Agreed.**
> 
> **The Bridge rocks again. Garth considers his options… and has little choice but to roll the dice.**
> 
> **Garth (cont’d): All right then, let’s make this interesting. Ken…do you remember that Science Division plan to map brown dwarf atmospheres.**
> 
> **Tanaka: Aw, hell. You’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, aren’t you.**

Here, the writers have found an appropriate place to extend the moment. We’ve transitioned from a frenetic spiral towards contact to the second stage of the conflict: the submarine hunt. Here, tension comes not from the race to a clash, but from the maneuvering and counter-maneuvering. Therefore, spending some time to show us Garth’s thought process is a solid choice.

The following scene on the D-7 parallels the one on the _Ares_. It is again lengthened from the earlier draft, and this lengthening is again appropriate for the moment. Furthermore, it does a better job at exploring the interpersonal tension between Morock and his officers than the attempts I covered yesterday. Here, the D-7 officer warns Morock that the ship can’t handle the planet’s atmosphere, showcasing his caution.

In return, Morock’s arrogance, but also his pride in his ship, is on display.

> **Morock: This is the finest warship in the Fleet. It can withstand whatever I say it can. Now, follow them!**

Yes, it’s very “Battle of the Mutara Nebula”, but it works.

Instead of responding with Joachim’s challenge to Khan, the D-7 officer is resigned to his fate.

> **D-7 Officer: As you wish. (quietly, to himself) Death hungers for fools this day, it seems.**

This choice provides excellent insight into the working of a Klingon ship. Whatever these officers think about their commander, they will follow him to their deaths. It’s not a “today will be a good to day to die” sort of bravado, but almost a learned helplessness.

It’s lovely, and I applaud the writer for including it in this round of edits.

_Ares_ descends into the planet’s atmosphere. The scene on the _Ares_ bridge is essentially unchanged, but the exterior shot is vastly improved. The original description read

> **EXT. JOVIAN ATMOSPHERE – THE ARES (OPTICAL)**
> 
> **descends through ever-darkening clouds amid violent storms that flash with lightning. The D-7 is hot on its heels.**

becomes

> **EXT. JOVIAN ATMOSPHERE – THE ARES**
> 
> **descends through ever-darkening clouds like a fireball, violent storms flashing with lightning all around. The D-7 is hot on its heels. Both ships are leaving long trails of glowing plasma behind. But these slowly begin to dissipate.**

I love how vivid the new description is. If this shot was ever completed by Tobias Richter, I’d love to see it.

Aboard the D-7, things aren’t going so well. The hull is buckling from the pressure.

Morock interprets the hull’s groans as “the hunter [howling] for its prey.”

It’s a snazzy line. At the same time, I think it’s taking Morock’s inexperience and arrogance too far. It’s one thing for Morock to pursue _Ares_ into the planet’s atmosphere; it’s another for him to continue pursuit when his ship shows signs of failure. If you make your antagonist a caricature or just plain stupid, it reduces your protagonist’s level of achievement. Instead, your protagonist should find a way to lure your clever antagonist into a trap he wouldn’t otherwise approach. Having the antagonist throw himself into the trap to make the protagonist look good creates the opposite effect.

In other words, show me why Morock doesn’t back out and use timed fuses on torpedoes to “depth charge” _Ares_ , with the ensuing pressure waves in the high-density atmosphere acting to stress the Federation ship beyond its tolerance levels. You know, like a surface ship would do to a submarine.

Anyway. One of the reasons the “Battle of the Mutara Nebula” worked so well was that Khan _wouldn’t_ have gone into the nebula except for his primary character flaw: his fury with Kirk. Had Kirk not goaded him over the radio, he would’ve lurked around the nebula, waiting for _Enterprise_ to emerge.

There were multiple levels of strategy at play in that battle. On one level, Kirk et al. evened the odds between _Reliant_ and _Enterprise_ by entering the nebula. (Similarly to the conflict between _Ares_ and the D-7.) On another level, Kirk ensured Khan would follow him by manipulating Khan’s weaknesses.

_Axanar_ only works on the one level. In doing so, limits itself in depth and tension.

Additional depth might not have been possible on the level of _Wrath of Khan_ , but it would’ve been improved by a stronger motivation for Morock. Essentially, we are told by Garth earlier in the scrip that Morock has “a chip on his shoulder and something to prove” because of he’s from a prominent family.

No, the script never explains how one gets a chip on one’s should just because of family ties.

Something to prove can be a motivation, but it’s not a strong enough motivation to really drive such a high-risk choice. Morock has everything to lose by pursuing Garth and little to gain. He’s in the advantageous position. He can outwait _Ares_. Give me a good reason why he doesn’t.

The D-7 officer has about my view of Morock’s poetic interpretation of hull stress.

> **D-7 Officer: That is the sound of our hull being crushed. Exterior temperature is off the scale…pressure is exceeding ten thousand atmospheres. We must abandon this madness!**

I love how he starts off so deadpan and ends with a passionate plea. It’s like he can’t decide whether to be concerned or not.

I would suggest, though, that if your ship’s hull is being crushed, the report might demand more urgency.

> **Morock: I will have the Izarian’s ship!**

But…why?

> **D-7 Officer: We can wait above – strike when they emerge! If we do not escape this fury now, we never will.**

As I was saying…

> **Morock hesitates. An alarm sounds.**
> 
> **D-7 Officer (cont’d) Commander, our deflectors are overloading. If they should fail—**
> 
> **Morock: No, increase speed – fire torpedoes!**
> 
> **The officer complies…resigned to what comes next.**

I think what troubles me the most about this officer is that he’s inconsistent. He’s established that Klingons will follow their commander even if it’s a bad idea. He goes from that to challenging Morock, but swiftly returns to compliance. Moreover, this scene is virtually a repeat of the scene in which they entered the planet’s atmosphere. We don’t learn anything new from it (other than the situation aboard the D-7 has gone from bad to worse).

It’s cool to want to do the Khan-Joachim thing, but commit to it. It’s also cool to want to show an officer who is presenting the cold truth yet resigned to death, but commit to it. Don’t see-saw between the two because it creates false tension instead of true tension.


	15. Guest Star: Commander Adama

Pages 49 to 51 in version 11 and pages 39 to 40 in version 7.3.

I said yesterday that I really wanted to see the VFX described in the Jovian battle scene. I spoke a little too soon. As it turns out, former _Axanar_ director, Robert Meyer Burnett, showed and discussed that footage on [his website](http://theburnettwork.net/a-look-behind-axanars-klingon-battle-scenes/).  If you haven’t already seen it, I highly recommend watching the video; it’s worth your time. The surprise at the end is great.

Also, I wasn’t disappointed by the VFX. I’m sorry we didn’t get to see it in context.

And, damn, that Klingon Hymn. It’s absolutely heartbreaking that all of this fine work was essentially wasted.

I may be critical of _Axanar_ , and the script to some extent, but I really _wanted_ the project to succeed. Who would call more entertainment a bad thing, particularly when it would bring joy to so many people?

Many thanks to Mr. Burnett for showing us something of what we might have had.

That’s my warm, fuzzy moment for today. Now let’s go back to being critical of the script before my heart grows three sizes.

The D-7 shoots at _Ares_ and misses, which is a good thing because _Ares_ is also suffering from the pressure. What isn't explained is why the pressure wave generated by the torpedoes exploding does not cause problems aboard her.  We're going to go with either the _Ares_ can change the laws of physics or...actually, we'll just stick with that.  It's a Sue ship after all.

In any case, the scene aboard _Ares_ has been extended from the earlier draft.

> **Cross: The helm’s fighting me now. I can barely control it.**

And yet you sound barely troubled. As I’ve said, when people are under stress, they speak differently. Their language is more clipped.

> **Garth: Hold it just a little longer.**
> 
> **Wagner: Captain, this pressure – how much more can we take?**

It does not escape my notice that a female character is given the role of asking the Manly Leader if they’re all about to die.

> **Garth: I don’t know. (off Wagner’s surprise) No one’s ever tried this before.**

Way to inspire confidence in your crew, Garth. Remember when I said that protagonists need flaws? If I didn’t, I’ll say it again. Protagonists need flaws.

But they also need to show their flaws at the right time.

When your ship is fighting for life is not the best time for a leader to be painfully honest about how well he’s planned this little adventure.

> **The shaking gets worse… new straining sounds.**

Unfortunately, just increasing the shaking and adding new sound effects does not increase the tension. You need the characters to be acting like they’re about to die. They don’t need to panic, but they do need to be wholly focused on the actions they need to take to survive. At the same time, the ship needs to be actively working against them due to the stress of the environment.

For example, [this scene in _Das Boot_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-hadDvJseg) when the submarine dives...and then sinks.  The crew doesn’t have time to do anything other than relay orders and respond to new challenges. Also, the sub is clearly suffering as components begin to fail. Finally, the pressure gauge is a driving force behind the scene’s tension. Every time the crew tries something and fails, there’s a cut back to the gauge showing the sub sinking deeper.

_Ares_ isn’t an out-of-control submarine, but there could be more of a sense of a plunge into the deep. A visual indicator, like _Das Boot_ ’s pressure gauge, might also prove a useful tool. We have homage to everything else in this script, why not one of the greatest war films of all time?

Well, instead of a pressure gauge that tells anyone on Earth the boat is in trouble, this script has Tanaka.

> **Tanka: Sir, we’ve hit the phase change…the atmosphere’s turning liquid.**

This should be a significant moment for _Ares_ and the crew. The ship itself should react. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.

> **Garth: Distance to the hard deck?**

Instead of _Das Boot_ , we get _Battlestar Galactica_. Specifically, [this scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jB-v3yfFOH0).  For the YouTube-less among you, it’s a scene where Apollo and Starbuck are chasing a Cylon Raider through a storm in a planet’s atmosphere. It doesn’t end well for Starbuck. In any case, there are multiple references to Starbuck’s approaching the “hard deck,” a point of no return.

It works there. It doesn’t work here.

I know it was added to give the scene a military feel, but the context is very different between the two universes. _Galactica_ is an aircraft carrier in space. The use of aviation jargon makes sense. _Ares_ is not an aircraft carrier. _Ares_ is the equivalent of either a submarine or a small surface ship, depending on the scene. Furthermore, in _BSG,_ Adama is a former Viper pilot. He will use fighter jargon. In _Axanar_ , Garth is a former explorer. There’s no reason for Garth to be talking like a fighter pilot. It’s the same problem Sonya Alexander has when she refers to a “furball.” It sounds ridiculous.

Characters should have their own voices; they shouldn’t steal from someone else.

> **Tanaka: We’re almost there – just a few hundred klicks. The target cloud is ten seconds away…**

A klick is a kilometer. Why Tanaka doesn’t say “kilometer,” considering that’s the word used in Trek, is beyond me. Oh, right, it’s modern military slang again.

Anyway, they fly into these special clouds and try the mine trip again, torpedoes with proximity detonation. Then they get the hell outta Dodge.

The D-7 runs right into the mines because Garth’s plan can only work if the enemy is very, very stupid.

> **D-7 Officer: Deflectors are down. Hull integrity’s failing…explosive decompression on all decks. (beat) We’re breaking up!**

I guarantee you that if your ship was breaking up, you wouldn’t have time to narrate it like that. A catastrophic hull failure doesn’t happen slowly, and that’s what this is: a catastrophic hull failure.  Also, if your ship is breaking up, you're either trying to save it or trying to get the fuck off.

> **Morock: Impossible. This is—** RIP Morock. You went from a potentially interesting character to a caricature. [Bow before the Sue](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BlackHoleSue).
> 
> **D-7 Officer: (sneers) You fool! They will sing of your shame on the barge to _Gre’thor_.**

Morock’s the fool? What about you, buddy. You resigned yourself to your fate twice. Why this sudden change of heart when it’s now too late to do something…like mutiny?

RIP D-7 Officer. You could’ve been a great character, but the Sue demanded a sacrifice.

> **Close on Morock’s face as his ship implodes around him.**

How nice of the ship to let them get one last dramatic moment in, despite it’s hull failing earlier.

These scenes, particularly the one aboard _Ares_ , could’ve been quite dramatic. However, they suffered in that _Ares_ was not truly tested, nor was the _Ares_ crew. Furthemore, the franchise crossing in the language was jarring. It wouldn’t have sounded better onscreen than it read on the page.

Fan fiction has a long tradition of borrowing liberally from many sources and franchises. However, it’s always noticeable because language comes from character and circumstances. Change the character and change the circumstances, and you’ll change what they say and how they say it. Garth, Adama, and Malcolm Reynolds are all ship captains, but they don’t sound remotely the same.


	16. The Battle is Done

Pages 51 to 52 in version 11 and pages 40 to 41 in version 7.3.

I’m keeping this one short since we’ll next head over to Starbase One, and I don’t want to break that scene in half.  This battle sequence really got away from me and ended up a complete mess.

The D-7 is gone, but _Ares_ must still escape the planet’s atmosphere. Somehow, the shock generated by exploding torpedoes and explosions aboard the Klingon ship have not caused _Ares_ additional problems. Mourn the lost opportunity for the brilliant plan to introduce additional complications that must be overcome.

Instead, we get a generic “escape from danger” scene. It’s been lengthened somewhat from the earlier draft, but it was lengthened primarily with technobabble. First the shields “fall out of phase” and overload. Then “hull pressure is critical” with structural failures on different decks. As with the Klingon ship, once you start seeing these sorts of failures, you should see a catastrophic chain reaction. A failure of one component increases stresses on another, so it fails, and so on down the line. Stopping the chain reaction requires serious effort (if it’s possible at all).

There’s great potential for drama here!

This is why it’s important to think about what the phrases _mean_ —what’s happening off screen—instead of using them because they’re sci-fi staples for creating a sense of impending doom.

We also get a Star Trek staple.

> **Garth: Alexi, red-line it! I need everything you’ve got.**
> 
> **Leonov (V.O.): (filtered) I’m already giving you power I don’t have!**

Just say “I’m givin’ you all she’s got, Captain.” We know you want to. (Yeah, this was in the original, but it’s worth bringing up again.)

Ultimately, despite the lengthening, this scene feels lifeless, which is odd since it should feel like the crew is fighting for life. It’s just too generic.

As one might predict, _Ares_ escapes the planet’s atmosphere right before the D-7’s antimatter blows up. Missed opportunity for a ticking clock, there.

_Ares_ starts to put itself back together in another scene lengthened, but largely unchanged.

> **Garth: Well done, people. Ken, let’s get a damage assessment started…see if we can figure out what still works.**

That would mean a lot more if we had been shown things not working.

> **Tanaka: Aye, sir.**
> 
> **Caine: (turns from her station) Captain…the Doctor just called from Sickbay. It’s Lieutenant Feng, sir. He didn’t make it.**

Now, I’m not a doctor, and I’m not a combat medic, but it seems to me that if your ship has just been through a significant battle resulting in a lot of damage then maybe the doctor is going to be too busy saving lives to return a phone call.

One of the greatest faults of the storytelling here is that nothing exists outside of the bridge. “Structural failures” are a phrase, they’re not something that hurts people and requires a damage control response before they destroy the ship. Sickbay is just sitting around waiting for the Captain to call instead of managing an inflow of casualties, some of whom may be critically injured as a result of the structural failures.

> **Garth nods somberly and leans back in his chair.**

I wonder if he’s thinking about that Charlie Foxtrot of an away mission and his complete [failure to respond appropriately](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2019/01/13/im-a-sue-not-a-doctor/) to Feng’s injury?

Probably not.

> **Then he pulls something out of his right pocket. It’s the data disk. He looks it over… hoping it was worth the cost.**

An entirely unnecessary cost, which somewhat diminishes the impact.

This scene had the potential for a lot of drama.  The plan could've succeeded with unanticipated consequences that further imperiled _Ares_.  They could've been fighting a ship that was breaking apart around them.  They could've been racing the clock to escape before the antimatter explosion destroyed them as well.  Instead, this was any "dramatic" scene from TNG or VOY.  It relied on technobabble to give a sense of tension instead of drawing the tension from what the technobabble meant.  Perhaps very good ensemble work could salvage such a scene, but I feel like it would end up a lot of people yelling, as if volume can make up for a scene's weakness.


	17. Garth Sue: Hero of the Federation

Pages 52 to 54 in version 11 and pages 42 to 43 in version 7.3.

The story picks up at Starbase One in the Fleet Operations Center.

> **It’s the early hours of the morning – the dog watch.**

The line is in both drafts, but it particularly gets under my skin. It’s _yet another_ inconsistency in the use of military terms, and it’s an inconsistency that leaps off the page at me.

So far, we’ve had “furball,” which fighter pilot jargon; “hard deck,” which refers to the [artificial ground set in training exercises as a factor of safety](https://www.facebook.com/groups/axamonitor/permalink/560989814415870/?comment_id=561002601081258&reply_comment_id=561010241080494&comment_tracking=%7B%22tn%22%3A%22R1%22%7D), more fighter pilot jargon;  “klick,” a [Vietnam](https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/klick)-era [ground term](https://www.facebook.com/groups/axamonitor/permalink/560989814415870/?comment_id=561002601081258&reply_comment_id=561011461080372&comment_tracking=%7B%22tn%22%3A%22R0%22%7D) for “kilometer;” and now, “dog watch,” an [18th century](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dogwatch) naval term referring to either the [1600 to 1800 watch or the 1800 to 2000 watch](https://www.navy.mil/navydata/questions/bells.html). If you're not up on your twenty-four hour clock, neither of these is in the early hours of the morning.

Words. Have. Meanings. Stop. Using. Jargon. As. Set. Decoration.

Don’t throw them in just because they sound cool. Use them deliberately because they’re the right words for the job.

The word you want here is probably “midwatch.”

[Yeah, I've said this before.](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/08/hounded-by-poor-research/)

Anyway, there’s “tension in the air,” because if you can’t write it into the screen, you can tell your production team it’s there and somehow they’ll make it appear. Admiral Not-Ramirez is briefing the Federation president on the Axanar plan.

> **Federation President: You’re sure about this plan, Threl? This system lies awfully close to Earth. It seems…desperate.**
> 
> **Admiral Threl: Desperate times, Madam President. Ramirez believes in it. If our intelligence is correct, this is our best change. We have to end this war now, before it gets away from us.**

I’m pretty sure the war has already gotten away from you. That’s what the first thirty pages or so were about.

Also, I know the name-drop of Ramirez is a little nod to _Prelude_. It creates some continuity there and all that jazz, but it also highlights Tony Todd’s absence from the story. It’s like a big neon sign pointing to something the production team would [probably have rather kept quiet](http://axamonitor.com/doku.php?id=tony_todd).

> **Federation President: The Vulcans will never support this. And if the D-7s are-**
> 
> **Starfleet Officer #2: Admiral, I have an incoming signal via subspace. It’s the _Ares_!**

Whew. Good thing _Ares_ picked that moment to phone home. Why, Threl was just about to have to answer some hard questions about the plan. That means the writer would have to actually think about it some more.

Admiral Not-Ramirez asks Garth if he has any news.

> **Garth: (nods) _The games are done_ , sir. We have the disk.**

That’s not an improvement over the earlier draft’s “We have the disk.” What’s it supposed to mean? I’m guessing the writer wants to reference the chess game between Garth and Kharn, but that symbolism is pretty well pasted on. Garth also hasn’t shown that he uses game metaphors. It comes out of nowhere.

> **There’s applause around the room. Threl looks pleased.**

Damn. We were doing so well with the excision of “people praise Garth” lines. This one slipped by.

Spontaneous applause needs to be a release of tension, [like in _Apollo 13_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_7PfocHTmc) where tension has been building the entire film and comes to a head during reentry.  It doesn’t work if there is no tension to be released. It just looks like people are randomly deciding to applaud Garth for doing his job. Just like they are.

Garth and Threl continue their quick discussion of the mission to the planet and destruction of the D-7. Again, the praise from the peanut gallery manages to survive the editor’s scissors.

> **Admiral Threl: And the D-7?**
> 
> **Garth: Destroyed.**
> 
> **A spontaneous cheer of surprise erupts around the room.**

Really. Again.  These people sure are perky for midwatch.  They also should have other things to do than spectate Threl's conversation with Garth.  The world doesn't stop for you, Sue.

Garth mentions they used a planet to do it and that the D-7 is a badass, saying “we’re no match for it.” Clearly they are.

The entire conversation is the same as in the previous draft, and it ends with, you guessed it, more cheering.

> **The transmission cuts. More cheering erupts in the room.**

The problem, of course, is that all of this cheering is unwarranted. Garth only won both the battle at the research station and the battle in the gas giant because both times the Klingons demonstrated a [lack of basic ability](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiotBall).  He didn’t do it because he was actually the better tactician. Also, it helps when your ship defies basic engineering expectations and your enemy’s does not.

That said, warrantless praise could be an interesting facet of Garth’s character, the Federation, and the war as a whole. Despite Garth’s questionable competence, perhaps the Federation needs heroes so badly that it’s willing to cover for him in order to craft the hero it needs for morale.

I like that possibility!

It makes the Federation more morally gray because they’re running a propaganda machine to influence public opinion. How does that square with high-minded ideals about truth and self-determination?

It comments on how social ideals are often the first thing to fall in warfare, a very Trek position to take.

And it sets up an interesting conflict with respect to Garth: the average, perhaps even barely competent, ship leader who everyone treats as a hero. How would that wear on a person’s soul?

But Garth is a Sue, so we get it straight. Alas.


	18. Shut Up, Garth.

Pages 54 to 56 in version 11 and pages 43 to 46 in version 7.3.

Yesterday, we got took a look at the activity aboard Starbase One in the script. If you want to see the beauty it would’ve been in _Axanar_ wander over to [The Burnettwork](http://theburnettwork.net/a-behind-the-scenes-look-at-axanars-starbase-one-visual-effects/), where former _Axanar_ director, Robert Meyer Burnett, has posted his discussion of the creation of Stabase One.

True to the _Axanar_ pattern, now that we’ve seen the Stafleet side of the war, it’s time to check in on the Klingons. We get some better description at the start of this scene than in the earlier draft.

> **Kharn paces the deck. K’Rax and Voth man stations, trying not to draw his wrath. Chang enters, looking like a man who knows he’s about to face judgment.**

I really wish this story had focused more tightly on the Klingons and Corax. There is so much potential here with Kharn and Chang’s little power struggle and her attempt to spy without getting caught (or caught in the middle).   On the other hand, it’s possible this story is so strong _because_ it leaves a lot to the imagination. It’s [Hemingway’s “iceberg theory”](https://www.arts.gov/art-works/2014/simply-hemingway) at play. (The “iceberg theory” holds that the writer should leave out parts of the story, allowing the reader to fill in the gaps.)

The scene then proceeds as in the earlier draft, with Chang revealing that the data disk they secured on the planet was blank. You know, Kharn, that wouldn’t have happened if you’d taken advantage of your superior position to wipe out the Starfleet officers and search Garth’s body. Just sayin’.

Garth isn’t winning because he’s competent; he’s winning because the Klingons are incompetent.

He’s also winning because Corax is hanging around to learn the Secret Code that will allow Starfleet to read the disk. It’s made all science-y sounding by referring to “quantum encrypment”—like the best of VOY where everything was “quantum”—but it’s a Secret Code.

Anyway, this scene is the same as in the earlier draft. Kharn also learns of _Ares_ ’s escape and the D-7’s destruction and, man, is he pissed off. He’s so pissed off, he “hungers for revenge” and “there are no words in English or Klingon that can describe [his] fury at Garth.”

I like to think he’s actually furious with himself for being so ridiculously incompetent because Garth didn’t actually do anything particularly impressive. He certainly didn’t do anything worth a Hatfields and McCoys level feud.

Anyway. Moving on.

In the earlier draft, we are now at the beginning of Act Three. I wish I could say these acts were marked by major choices on the parts of characters or changes to the story that drive the whole thing forward, but they aren’t. It makes the plot woefully slow despite all of the stuff happening on-screen.

_Ares_ returns to Earth, as in the earlier draft, inserting itself into the famous “Earthrise” photograph because nothing is sacred in this script. If you’re paying homage to something, add meaning to that thing. Don’t just rip it off because it looks cool.

Again, as in the earlier draft. Garth is in his quarters.

> **The Captain sits at his desk, reading the latest damage reports. None offer good news. The intercom whistles.**

You know what he’s not doing? He’s not writing a letter to Lieutenant Feng’s family. Considering we met Feng and got to see some of his character before he was killed to prove the situation was serious, it would’ve been a lot more meaningful than Blake’s death and the following letter scene. It would have especially been interesting to see Garth writing that letter since his mismanagement of the away mission and emergency response may very well have contributed to Feng’s death.

There’s meaningful guilt and anger for you. Of course, it would require Garth to actually be vulnerable instead of spouting platitudes about scientists on a warship.

But as best I can tell, Feng isn’t mentioned again. His death gave Garth a Dramatic Moment, so he’s served his purpose and may now be conveniently forgotten.

Tanaka is calling—and delightfully vague about the reason for it. I’m sure this perfectly reflects the reality of shipboard life. Positive. (Note: It does not.)

But if Tanaka wasn’t vague, Garth wouldn’t be able to name-check “Earthrise,” just in case a bunch of sci-fi fans were too dense to recognize one of the most famous photographs of the 20th century. A space photograph!

The only person this script has a high opinion of is Garth.

> **Garth’s in no mood for this, but he stands and leaves his work reluctantly.**

Neither am I. This scene was completely pointless, full of false tension and doing nothing to further our understanding of character or the plot. Take the scissors to it already.

He goes up to the bridge—none of this has been changed—and everyone is oohing and aahing over the new Constitution class starship. It’s _Enterprise_ , of course.

That’s an awful lot of screen time wasted just for a nerdgasm.

Even Garth is impressed by something other than himself for a change.

> **Garth smiles in spite of himself.**
> 
> **Garth (cont’d): Now, there’s a sight. Lieutenant Caine, hail that ship. Let’s give Captain April our regards.**

Most of the line is the same as in the earlier draft, but I do like that Garth is now reacting more strongly to _Enterprise_. Probably weighing whether or not it’s an upgrade from _Ares_ that he should be chasing. (But then he loses the cool God of War connection, which is always a downside.)

The conversation is a bit more interesting. In the earlier draft, it’s reasonably focused on _Enterprise_ (as short as it is). Here, it’s lengthened and focused on, who else?, Garth.

> **April: Welcome home, Ares!**
> 
> **Garth: Thanks, Bob.** (The earlier draft included “That’s a fine looking ship you’ve got there.”)
> 
> **April: I’m glad to see you in one piece. It looks like you’ve had a tough day at the office though.**
> 
> **Garth: Shylock took his pound of flesh this time, that’s for sure.**

Whoah.

WOAH.

What the hell, Garth?

Shylock, for those of you who haven’t taken a Lit class in a while, is character in Shakespeare’s [“The Merchant of Venice.”](http://shakespeare.mit.edu/merchant/full.html)   His character is deeply complex with a number of relationships influencing the story, but for the purpose of this reference he’s a Jewish moneylender who lends money to the protagonist, Antonio, on the condition that if Antonio cannot repay it in coin then he will repay it in flesh.

Antonio, being quite desperate for money to help his friend pursue the noblewoman Portia, agrees.

At the climax of the play, Antonio finds himself in court, unable to pay the debt. Shylock demands that the terms of the contract be upheld, despite the entreaties of the—notably Christian—onlookers. Fortunately for Antonio, Portia enters the court in disguise and offers a winning defense: that Shylock cannot take flesh without also causing Antonio to bleed. Since payment in blood is not part of the contract, Shylock cannot collect.

Shylock, and “The Merchant of Venice,” [have inspired](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/why-scholars-still-debate-whether-or-not-shakespeares-merchant-venice-anti-semitic-180958867/) a lot of [discussion](https://www.bl.uk/shakespeare/articles/a-jewish-reading-of-the-merchant-of-venice) on Elizabethan anti-Semitism and the level to which this work in particular is [anti-Semitic](https://www.adl.org/media/9390/download).  These are just three sources I liked with different viewpoints.

It’s ultimately a matter of interpretation on which many, many volumes could be written. In using this phrase in the context of the story so far, however, the writers strip away the nuance of the character and context, and reduce Shylock to his most problematic interpretation: the anti-Semitic trope of the merciless un-Christian moneylender, a villainous predator. The sentence is not remotely helped by the possible [association](https://journeys.dartmouth.edu/exploratoryshakespeare/2015/07/14/foundations-of-shylock/comment-page-1/) of Shakespeare’s “pound of flesh” with [Blood Libel](https://www.adl.org/education/resources/glossary-terms/blood-libel), or the claim that Jewish people committed ritual murders of Christian children, which unfortunately survived the Middle Ages.

If you’re going to quote or reference Shakespeare, you _must_ understand the work from which you are quoting. Shakespeare is one of the greatest Western storytellers, and his work is challenging and complex. He also held or addressed attitudes that are challenging and potentially problematic when approached with a modern understanding. As with the military jargon, it’s not something you can just throw in off of a half-remembered reference to say to the audience “look how well-read my character is. Aren’t we all so smart?”

To use this phrase in this context, is not terribly different from using the word “gypped,” a racist word referring to the Roma, or the phrase “off the reservation” to refer to someone doing something they shouldn’t be. That one is a racist phrase referring to indigenous Americans. Nor should you ever refer to “selling someone down river.” I hope I don’t have to explain that one.

Check idioms. Know where they came from. If you use them, use them deliberately to say something (not nice) about a character. Make sure that it’s clear to the reader/viewer that you as a writer do not hold the character’s views.

And, by the way, that line was not an improvement.

So, uh, let’s end here. Now that we’ve had unintentional racism, unintentional homophobia, unintentional sexism, and unintentional anti-Semitism, I’m scared to see what’s next.


	19. More Starfleet (Un)Professionalism

Pages 56 to 58 in version 11 and pages 46 to 47 in version 7.3.

I stopped in the middle of the scene yesterday since I didn’t want to bury the discussion of “The Merchant of Venice.” We pick up with more Starfleet professionalism.

After making his unfortunate reference to Shakespeare, Garth changes the subject. Probably a good thing.

> **Garth: Shylock took his pound of flesh this time, that’s for sure. (forced upbeat) That’s a fine looking ship you’ve got there.**

And we’re back on track with the earlier draft!

Unfortunately.

Sarah April takes the moment to slip up behind Captain April and “wrap her arms around” him.

You know one of the things I learned as a sailor? Kill the public displays of affection when you’re aboard ship. It’s unprofessional and wears on the rest of the crew really quickly. (Imagine being forced to live and work with two teenagers who can’t stop sucking each other’s faces off while you’re trying to get things done. Yeah. That’s what it would be like. But you can’t escape because you’re several days from shore and the ship is too small for privacy to exist.  Seriously.  Engine room?  Face sucking.  Galley?  Face sucking.  Lab?  Face sucking.)

The conversation is roughly the same as in the earlier draft, but made a little more personal.

> **Sarah April: Hello, Kel. It’s good to see you.**

This is a very friendly greeting to be professional, or even between casual friends. It works in the earlier script because first names abound, but ranks are used in the shooting script so it comes across as uncomfortably intimate.

> **Garth: Sarah! I know this guy’s a charmer, but I still say you can do better.**

Yeah, this isn’t coming off as old friends at all.

> **Sarah April: (smiles) He’s rough around the edges, but I’ll keep him. besides, he’s got the best –equipped Sickbay in the fleet. Somebody has to run it.**

That’s not terrible. I mean, she’s talking about her commanding officer, and she probably shouldn’t be serving under him because it’s a little weird, but it’s not as bad as the Garth/Corax dynamic.

> **April: That’s my girl.**

I take it back. That’s gross.

April is talking about his adult, professional wife in front of two starship crews. Way to undermine whatever authority she has by infantilizing her.

What’s worse is that this follows a pattern set by the Garth/Corax dynamic. Sarah April isn’t allowed to be a professional, she’s portrayed in the context of her relationship with Captain April. Moreover, his pet address for her diminishes her status, much as Corax was diminished by Garth’s condescending “smile more” treatment and the general adult/teen feel of their relationship.

What is so wrong with letting a woman be a professional, Writers? Why is it that every woman with a major role has been defined at least in part by her relationship: Corax as Garth’s lover, Tara Wagner as Blake’s fiancé, and now Sarah April as the wife of Captain April? Why is it that even if they are defined partially in the context of their relationships, they aren’t shown as fully professional?

This is not something anyone wants to see in a story because it suggests a very regressive attitude towards women. With attitudes like these, it’s no wonder women have often felt like outsiders in the science fiction community. It’s no wonder that despite efforts made towards equality, we still aren’t there.

As harmful as it is for women to be portrayed this way, it also undermines the men in the relationships because _they_ are not allowed to be professional either. These regressive attitudes hurt everyone.

Anyway, April and Garth plan to meet up at the 602 club for drinks.

As soon as he gets off the phone with April, Garth gets a message from Starfleet that both Admiral Not-Ramirez and Admiral Ramirez want to meet with him.

Before he leaves, Garth has some unfinished business.

> **He turns to Wagner at Tactical.**
> 
> **Garth: Tara? I understand you’ve requested permission to escort Zoe’s body home to her parents.**
> 
> **Wagner: (stands hopeful) Yes, sir. I have.**
> 
> **Garth: Granted. Please tell them I’d like to visit them when this is over.**

First, you notice how the script has to show Garth giving permission to Wagner? We can’t have a scene that shows Wagner escorting Zoe’s body off _Ares_ , which would imply that she received permission. No, this scene has to be about Garth’s magnanimity. It also has to have the undercurrent that he could refuse Zoe. He has to have power over her.

Second, don’t visit Zoe’s parents, Garth. You’ll perform the Garth Maneuver if you do. (Open mouth. Insert foot.)

Finally, any thought for Lt. Feng and his family, Garth?  No?  He just dead and forgotten then?  Alrighty.

> **Wagner: I will, Captain. Thank you.**

That’s what he was waiting for, right there.

> **Garth and Tanaka enter the turbolift. As the door closes, the Captain nods and winks at Wagner…who smiles gratefully.**

For anyone who thought I was overreacting , I hope this ending changes your mind. Under what circumstances is it appropriate for Garth to _wink_ at Tara? What is he trying to say here? How does this respect her grief and the enormity of her task? She’s going through hell, even if she’s not showing it, and somehow Garth thinks it’s time to wink at her.

Does Garth have any understanding of human emotions and responses?

With every scene, he reinforces the idea that he has some form of psychopathy: he’s mimicking emotional responses without feeling them. It’s a manipulation of the people around him.

This could’ve been a fantastic character trait for an anti-hero, but it’s not deliberate. This is what happens when you paste human responses on top of a fundamentally broken character, a Mary Sue. The responses don’t come from the character—they're the writer saying "oh, shoot, I need him to be compassionate here despite his utter lack of compassion"—so the whole thing looks like an act.

And, yikes, Tara “smiles gratefully.” Again, did you think I was exaggerating when I said that the whole point of this exchange was for Garth to get the ego boost of holding something over Tara and then experiencing her gratitude when he gives it to her? I wasn’t.

It’s also unsettling that it’s a woman “smiling gratefully.” There are a lot of nasty old stereotypes about tractable, grateful women smiling at men that it recalls. If we saw an example of men smiling gratefully at Garth, or being put in this sort of subordinate position, then it wouldn’t be so bad. Once again, however, this arrangement and language is saved for female characters.

I’ve had enough for today. I can’t believe how many problems were introduced into this script between the earlier draft and this one.


	20. In Which the Plot Ambles Forward

Pages 58 to 62 in version 11 and pages 47 to 51 in version 7.3.

Much to my relief, the next scene doesn’t involve Garth interacting with a female crewmember or trying to be human. It’s just a lot of tech-tech to tell the audience how badly _Ares_ was damaged (and, by extension, how badass _Ares_ is). While the scene is not materially different at the start from the earlier draft, the dialogue flows more naturally. I won’t bother quoting it since it’s still just tech-tech.

However, as Leonov, Tanaka, and Garth amble into the transporter room, the scene takes a turn for the different and the considerably better. In the earlier draft, Leonov is talking about how he can upgrade _Ares_ to make it more of a super ship than it already was. In the shooting draft, Leonov acknowledges that _Ares_ is falling apart.

> **Leonov: I’ve been patching things for months. There’s a reason I asked you to stay below warp three on the way home. Ares’ wounds run deep. We need a full structural analysis. That means Space Dock.**

The “Ares’ wounds run deep” is a little purple, but otherwise this is a great line that demonstrates not only the conditions under which _Ares_ has been operating, but also Starfleet’s material ability. Oddly enough, it does a better job imparting just how rough this war is going than a lot of the dramatic footage of destroyed ships.

> **Garth: How long? Bottom line it for me.**
> 
> **Leonov: For scans, repairs, testing…at least three weeks. But we’ve got damage sensors out all over the ship, so it could be longer.**
> 
> **Garth: Alexi, that doesn’t cut it. I need you to get it done in two.**
> 
> **Leonov: Are you insane?...**

Probably.

> **Leonov: …You drove Ares into a gas giant! Half out thrusters overheated. I had to purge the rest of debris and volatiles… frozen volatiles!**

And yet no mention of the hull failures, which would’ve gone nicely with the earlier comment about needing a structural analysis. I get, thrusters are sexy. The thing protecting you from the merciless vacuum of space, not so much.

Snark aside, this line is great because it subverts the old Trek trope of the captain saying “I need you to complete repairs in X amount of time” and the engineer pulling it off. In reality, repairs are going to take a certain amount of time, and there’s little you can do about it. A good project manager will try to build time into the schedule so that you’ve got some room for if something goes wrong, but ultimately you can’t reduce the amount of time something takes just because you want to.[ Scotty is a good project manager.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xRqXYsksFg) (That's a clip of my favorite moment in TNG: Scotty tells Geordi what it takes to be a miracle worker.)

> **Garth and Tanaka can’t help chuckling.**

Yes, the extreme damage to your badass life-support system—for that’s what a ship is at its heart—likely along with loss of life, is _hilarious_. If I got the impression Garth and Tanaka were laughing as a stress response, that would be one thing. Instead, I get the impression that the writer forgot about the battles we just saw. (The amusement is in the earlier draft as well. It’s just as odd.)

So, Garth says he’ll get the parts they need and heads off to Starfleet Headquarters.

There’s a significant cut between the drafts here. In the earlier draft, Garth is met in the transporter room by a new crewmember, Lt. Hyree, whose all “I’m looking forward to serving with you.” Because, of course, he is. That was a good cut.

Outside of Starfleet Headquarters, Garth meets with Admiral Not-Ramirez. The scene is roughly similar to the earlier draft, but once again the dialogue has been smoothed out.

> **Garth: You look like a man who’s had better days, Admiral.**
> 
> **Admiral Threl: Probably, but I’ll be damned if I can remember them.**

That’s a considerably smoother exchange than Garth’s and April’s.

As in the earlier draft, they can’t crack the encryption on the disk; they’ve got a bunch of D-7’s to contend with; and the Constitution class ships aren’t ready. Apparently, they have to “make their move” quickly.

Garth starts to ask what they’re going to do, but he’s interrupted by the arrival of Soval and Sarek. Conveniently, this prevents them from having to figure out what they’re going to do.

I don’t mind it when conversations are interrupted a couple of times in a script. The more the device is used, however, the more it looks like an attempt to generate tension or excitement where none exists. We’re on page 61 now, halfway through the script, and that’s how it’s beginning to feel here. (It’s a flaw that existed in the earlier draft as well.)

The conversation with the Vulcans proceeds as in the earlier draft. Garth pretends to be sorry he couldn’t save the Vulcan spy—let’s be honest, Garth is devoid of actual empathy so he’s acting—and Soval tells him it’s not his responsibility. Then Soval introduces Sarek as his replacement since he’s being recalled to Vulcan over the issue of Vulcan secession from the Federation.

Garth is horrified, and reacts with the control one would expect of a trained diplomat before being gently schooled by Sarek.

Then the Vulcans leave so Garth and Not-Ramirez can discuss the issue. This part of the scene also follows the earlier draft in substance with some changes to make the dialogue more natural. The gist of it is that they have to attack the Klingons now because the Vulcans are not going to be able to [pull out of Starfleet immediately](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/10/in-which-nothing-happens-22/).  You know, because what a good ally does is risk your people’s lives in a desperate battle of which they know you don’t approve. I think I can see why the Vulcans are bailing.

As in the earlier draft, Not-Ramirez tells Garth that “the battle plan you submitted has been approved.” All I’ll ask is when did Garth submit a battle plan? We didn’t see him do that. It’s still annoying.

The scene ends a little differently from the earlier draft. To the admiral’s statement that they will proceed when Garth’s ready—because the best thing to do when you’re in a hurry is be vague about how much time you have—Garth says

> **Sir, the Ares has taken a beating. We’re looking at a month of repairs.**
> 
> **Admiral Threl: So I’ve heard. S-F-O’s Yard Master called me when your chief engineer requested half the parts in the stores. (changes his tone) We have another option for you.**

Aaaannnd he negates the “whenever you’re ready” line with that statement. Not-Ramirez, you’re an admiral.  More than that, you're the admiral running this show.  You can set the time table on this one, and if you need to move Garth to another ship to do it, _you can_. You don’t have to flatter his ego by making it sound like the entire war effort is waiting on him. You certainly don’t have to present a ship transfer as if you’re trying to sell him a used car.

With decisive leadership like this, I fail to see how the Federation is losing this war.

Oh, spoiler alert. Sue’s about to get a new ship.  The whole point of this short exchange is to introduce a little mystery.  It doesn't.  It's needlessly coy.


	21. Starfleet Command and Control

Pages 62 to 63 in version 11 and page 51 in version 7.3.

Admiral Not-Ramirez has coyly offered Garth a solution to the _Ares_ repair time problem. Here the script departs from the earlier draft.

> **EXT. EARTH ORBIT – MINUTES LATER – A SHUTTLE**
> 
> **rises from the surface and approaches one of the Space Docks of Starfleet’s San Francisco Orbital Shipyards. Inside, we see a newly-refurbished Marklin class starship.**

You know what would make this scene more meaningful? If instead of that skin-crawling conversation with Robert April, we were introduced to the existence of this ship, like how we were introduced to _Excelsior_ in Star Trek III. See the old with the new.

> **INT. XENOPHON – BRIDGE**
> 
> **The room is dark, but powers up as Threl and Garth enter.**

Because a ship in dry dock will not be crawling with technicians as they finish and test systems in preparation for sea trials. Nope, this ship’s just cooling its heels, waiting for Lord Garth to bring it to life. (Yeah, I know, it’s supposed to be dramatic. I only like dramatic where it makes sense.)

> **Garth: A[Marklin class](https://memory-beta.fandom.com/wiki/Marklin_class)? You’re kidding. **

No doubt he’s thinking that it’s a proto- _Ares_ and therefore unworthy of his greatness.

> **Admiral Threl: (points to a plaque) Not just any Marklin.**
> 
> **Garth: (surprised) This is the Xenophon?**

It probably would’ve had more emotional impact if Garth had recognized his old ship immediately without having to read a plaque. I’m not convinced Garth was particularly attached to this ship. He was probably just serving his sentence, waiting for an upgrade to a better ship.

Also, having Garth recognize the ship on his own would save us the next sentence.

> **Admiral Threl: Your former ship…**

Yes, Admiral Exposition here wants to make sure audience members who haven’t read [FASA’s _The Four Years War_](http://engineering.thetafleet.net/Journals/Other/FASA%20-%202218A%20The%20Four%20Years%20War.pdf), a sourcebook for the Star Trek RPG, know which ship Garth commanded.

I guess the RPG is what kids those days considered canon. Why the RPG and not the [novel in which Garth commanded the _USS Heisenberg_](https://www.amazon.com/Garth-Izar-Star-Trek-Original/dp/0743406419), no one has said.

Anyway, nice job. I mean, I’ll still think of the scene from the BSG miniseries when the crew presents Adama’s restored Viper to him--that's the problem with so obviously referring to that show in past scenes--but it’s good to see an effort to square the story with “canon.” Such as it is.

Especially when it makes Garth look dense because he can’t recognize he’s on his old ship; isn’t curious enough about Marklins in general (having commanded one) to check the commissioning plaque on entering the bridge; and needs his CO to tell him that he commanded the _Xenophon_.

> **Admiral Threl: …We’ve completed a refit to enhance her shields, power, and weapons. And we’ve swapped out her command module for a state-of-the-art Bridge, so you should feel right at home. Just pick the people you need from the Ares crew and the rest can stay behind to supervise her repairs.**

Yes, because the last thing you’d want to do when heading into a desperate battle is make sure your ship has a full complement. Maybe _Xenophon_ runs off of a smaller crew? And, now that I think about it, where is _Xenophon_ ’s crew? Was there one? Or was this ship in the mothball fleet? Oh, my God. That’s what they did. They’re so desperate to field ships, they’re bringing out the rust buckets.

I do love how sentimental Starfleet is despite their desperation. At a time when spare parts are at a premium, judging by _Ares_ ’s makeshift repairs and the stress fully repairing her will place on Starfleet stores, Starfleet decided it made perfect sense to give top upgrades to an obsolete ship, going so far as to “swap out her command module for a state-of-the-art bridge”—as if it’s that easy to take a component designed for new ships and plug it into an old ship—instead of giving it minimal upgrades and sending it out, which is what was historically done.

This would make sense as a PR move for Starfleet: reuniting the heroic captain with his faithful steed. It doesn’t make sense in terms of materiel, and wars have been won and lost on logistics. Again, not surprised Starfleet is losing.

However, if you take that route, Garth is a figurehead. He’s not meant to do anything. (Except maybe die heroically.)

In any case, this whole nonsensical arrangement is because of the reality-warping powers of the Sue. The Sue not only needs the best—hence the upgrades and the “you should feel right at home” commentary—but the Sue’s possessions need to carry additional significance. They need to be uniquely special so that only the Sue can have them—hence Garth’s earlier command.

> **Garth: Admiral, I’m impressed…but we can’t fight D-7s in this. The Klingons will cut us to pieces.**

_Meta-Admiral Threl: Damn, he’s onto us. I didn’t think he was that smart._

> **Admiral Threl: It’s not your job to fight D-7s anymore, Kel. It’s your job to lead that fight…**

_Meta-Admiral Threl: Which is why we’re also putting you in charge of an old ship with a dodgy refit. Because we all know the most effective tactical leadership occurs when you have to direct ship operations while simultaneously directing the course of the battle. Despite extensively studying “ancient” Earth history at the Academy, none of us has figured out what a flag captain is. We’re pretty sure Sir Thomas Hardy was just decoration at Trafalgar._

Seriously, though, one of the great innovations of warfare was separating the people running the battle from the people fighting it.

What Starfleet should have done was transfer Garth to _Enterprise_. Captain April would command _Enterprise_ , and Garth would direct the battle using _Enterprise_ ’s existing state-of-the-art equipment. Tanaka and the _Ares_ crew would then take _Xenophon_.

_Meta-Admiral Threl: We thought about it, but Captain April shot that down. Something about ‘not wanting Garth within a lightyear of his Sickbay.’ Since our orders are more like suggestions, we went with Plan B._

> **Admiral Threl: …(shakes his hand) Congratulations, Fleet Captain. Axanar is go.**

_Meta-Admiral Threl: Also, we don’t know what a fleet captain is. I may have just made you my[Chief of Staff](https://books.google.com/books?id=boAtAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA77#v=onepage&q=Fleet%20Captain&f=false). Don’t worry about it. We’re making this up as we go._

To be fair on that one, Star Trek does appear to use “Fleet Captain” differently than historical navies. It was never clarified what it means in the Trek 'verse, though, so you never know.

> **Threl exits. Off Garth’s reaction…**

I dread to think what reaction that might be. Smug satisfaction, probably.


	22. Loose Lips (Should) Sink Ships

Pages 63 to 67 in version 11 and pages 51 to 55 in version 7.3.

After are little detour aboard _Xenophon_ , the script returns to following the earlier draft.

Kharn’s D-6 is hanging out at the Klingon equivalent of Starbase One: the Stormweyr.

Because those particular consonant and vowel combinations are so common in the Klingon language.

Kharn plans to leave Chang in charge of repairs while he meets with his generals to plan their final assault. Chang isn’t so sure about this arrangement.

> **Chang: My Lord, should I not accompany—**
> 
> **Kharn grabs hold of Chang’s uniform and raises his knife.**
> 
> **Kharn: Follow my orders or feel my blade!**

While Garth spent nights with Corax, [Kharn studied the blade](https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/i-studied-the-blade).

This is a slight change from the earlier draft, in which there was no threat of maiming or death and Kharn merely told Chang to follow his orders. While I have generally approved of the increased conflict between Kharn and Chang in this version of the script, the violent outburst here feels unearned. There’s just not enough setup for it. Kharn doesn’t look like a Klingon taking a strong step to bring a subordinate in line; he looks unhinged. Making him a perfect counterpart to Garth, I suppose.

Kharn heads off to meet Mor’o because the basic structure of the script is to mirror Federation scenes with Klingon scenes. In other words, if you have a scene of Garth chatting with a superior, expect a scene of Kharn chatting with a superior to follow closely. I half expect Kharn to be given a new ship as well at this point.

Kharn reports that he is a complete and utter failure at his job, conveniently leaving out that it was because of his own incompetence and preferring to act as if Garth is Just That Good. To be fair, I think I’d play up Garth’s reputation too in order to downplay how the whole problem could’ve been averted by being as ruthless as my own reputation claimed me to be.

Mor’o provides some encouragement, helpfully informing the audience that Kharn was the one who “uncovered the Vulcan’s spy in the Romulan delegation,” but Kharn isn’t having any of it.

> **Kharn: Yes, but now are trade talks have been suspended. With the Romulan cloaking device and our new ships, we could have ended the Federation.**

Having seen Starfleet’s finest, I’m pretty sure they could still end the Federation if the writers let them display anything close to sense.

> **Mor’o: Better to earn a victory than make a devil’s bargain for one. Pity the warrior who slays all his foes.**

Yeah, this exchange is in the earlier draft and it’s still ridiculous. No wonder the Klingons are snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. (I go into more depth on this line in [my original post](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/halfway-there/) on the scene.)

In a new bit to the scene, Kharn decides to bitch a bit about Chang. Because nothing says “leadership” like complaining about your subordinates to your boss.

> **Kharn: And what of foes who would seem friends? My men plot against me.**

I can’t imagine why. They’re probably each thinking they could do a better job, and they’re probably right.

> **Mor’o: Of course, they do! That is the new way of honor in the Empire.**

Did we just get an implied “kids these days”?

> **Mor’o laughs, amused by the very absurdity of the idea.**
> 
> **Kharn: It was not always so.**

Yes, yes we did. It’s like the Boomers complaining about Millennials destroying the sanctity of diamonds or whatever-it-is we’ve done in this week with our fondness for avocado toast.

Mor’o reassures Garth because his entire role in this scene is to be Grandfather Exposition with a side of Counselor Troi, and then asks what else bothers Kharn. We pick up with the earlier draft’s descriptions of Kharn’s visions of doom, which Mor’o then reassures him about.

Very useful scene this was.

From here the script takes us to the 602 Club.  ([Here's the original post on it.](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/12/a-sue-walks-into-a-bar/)) Unfortunately, the original description persisted with only a slight change.

> **Garth enters. Starfleet officers greet him enthusiastically as he heads for the bar. Despite this, or because of it, he has a scowl on his face when he sits next to Captain April.**

It’s the “or because of it.” I’m still not buying this as an example of Garth’s humility and reluctant hero status. It’s like a humblebrag. Sues often have these non-flaws that cause them angst, such as being “too smart” or “too beautiful.” The writers are trying to make their avatars perfect, but don’t want them to come off as vain. It fails every time.

This scene runs almost identically to the earlier version, so I won’t cover old ground. There is, however, a little bit of new dialogue with Counselor Robert April. Because it’s always easier to have your characters tell the audience about their problems rather than show their problems through the story.

So, instead of Garth asking April if he remembers when they were explorers, we get this.

> **April (cont’d): What’s eating you, Kel?**
> 
> **Garth: Politics. This goddamn war. That every time I take the Ares out now, I come back with fewer people.**

This statement would work much better if it didn’t fly in the face of everything we’ve been shown.  Heck, it would've been great to show Garth as an unreliable narrator if the script wasn't working so hard to convince us he's more amazing than a three-way clone of Kirk, Picard, and Sisko.

Politics and the war: We learn from the Vulcans that the Federation is dragging them into a war they neither want nor need. Apparently, the war isn’t affecting them personally and so it makes sense for them to withdraw and pursue a separate peace with the Klingons. Furthermore, we see that Starfleet has decided to go ahead and commit Vulcan lives to a battle their government doesn’t want to be involved in, and is doing it in an underhanded way (by accelerating their plans to engage the enemy before the Vulcan ships can be withdrawn). The Federation doesn’t exactly have clean hands here, so it’s really funny to see Garth acting like this is a betrayal worth brooding over.

Losing people: Thus far, what we’ve seen onscreen suggests Garth is not the type of commander to prioritize protecting his crew. He put an absolute flake of a security officer on an away team for a dangerous mission, resulting in his people not being adequately covered from the high ground. He didn’t respond quickly to Feng’s injury when they returned to _Ares_ , which may have contributed to Feng’s death. It doesn’t help that he’s also shown a disregard for surviving crewmembers such as Tara Wagner.

He’s saying the right words, but he can’t convince me he feels them because they deeply contradict what is shown. Actions outweigh words every time.

> **April: Yeah. Well…I could tell you it gets easier, but you know better.**
> 
> **Garth: All evidence to the contrary. (shakes his head) The Vulcans warned us that if we explored too far, too fast, the Klingons would react. But we kept going. Hell, I led the charge. Gotta push back the frontier. Turns out it was someone else’s backyard.**

I actually like this little monologue. It really shows guilt well. I just wish it was attached to a character who was actually shown to have real flaws—deliberate flaws, not the unintentional ones that pop up when a writer tries to make a Sue look human—instead of Garth. As I said, actions outweigh words, so this monologue is overshadowed by the character development we’ve had so far.

Which is a shame because it’s a damn good little monologue. I especially like how it makes the Federation possible aggressors in this war in terms of imperialist expansion into someone else’s territory. I wish we could’ve had more of that.

But then we wouldn’t have had as much time to watch people fawn over Garth.

> **April: No one ever said the Federation was perfect. We’ve all made mistakes. We all share the responsibility.**

I’m pretty much in favor of holding Garth to account for his behavior—because no one ever does and this comes across as trying to minimize uncomfortable things of which the Sue was a part by distributing responsibility—but it’s still a natural line for someone to say. Even if you believe someone is more responsible for a mess, you tend to downplay it to protect their feelings.

But, yeah, there are good reasons the Vulcans want out of this arrangement, and I don’t blame them.

Anyway, the scene continues as previously written with Garth getting praise for the D-7 battle and his “brilliant” battle plan. And so on and so forth.

And, yes, for those of you who are wondering, they still talk about things that should be highly classified. In a bar. Full of people.

Good thing the Klingons are treating this war like a game of T-ball with a toddler.


	23. Captains-Of-All-Trades

Pages 68 to 71 in version 11 and pages 55 to 58 in version 7.3.

Before we begin today’s critique, has everyone seen Robert Meyer Burnett’s latest _Axanar_ fun-sized documentary? [Go watch it](http://theburnettwork.net/a-closer-look-at-the-ares-in-action-from-the-axanar-feature-film/?fbclid=IwAR2CKBh9gz_g9JpgD-KJXiq3VTzkxO_AdcXroPS1p_LiPB51XTiY0sejDIM).  The _Ares_ does indeed look good in the VFX footage. Actually, all of that footage looks good. I particularly appreciate Mr. Burnett’s effort to create a dynamic, three-dimensional battle sequence. All too often, sci-fi space battles reinforce the idea that Space is an Ocean.

_Axanar_ ’s composer, Alexander Bornstein, also did a fantastic job. The score really does carry a massive amount of emotion for any scene. He delivered. His “Main Title” was a solid piece of work.

As for Mr. Burnett’s final edit of the existing VFX with the music, I loved his choice to include the incomplete final destruction of the D-6s. Backed by Bornstein’s music, it turns the edited footage from triumphant to bittersweet: a fine tribute to the greatest Star Trek fan film that never was.

I’m sorry the hard work of a lot of talented people went mostly to waste, but I appreciate Mr. Burnett resurrecting some of it so that we can see what might have been.

***

As in the earlier draft, the therapy session at the 602 Club transitions into a scene at Starfleet Intelligence.

The scene begins the same was as it does in the original draft. Garth and April take their drinks and show up for the free entertainment, meaning the interrogation of the Klingon prisoner of war. I, uh, [had a lot to say](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/13/no-intelligence-here-12/) about this scene when I first encountered it.

This scene works even more poorly now than it did before. In the previous draft of the screenplay, Garth never made a speech about respecting the sapience of Klingons and reminding his crew to act in a way that befits Starfleet officers. Thus, this scene did not stand out particularly. Sure, Garth came across as callous because he views a prisoner of war being beaten as entertainment requiring drinks, but he didn’t come across as a raging hypocrite as well.

Now that we have that [little speech](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2019/01/02/are-you-not-entertained/) for context, Garth is morally reprehensible. He was willing to humiliate Wagner over an expression of grief, but he’s unwilling to hold himself to anything approaching the same standard he expects from her. He doesn’t even have a justification for this behavior except for his own amusement.

Since Starfleet doesn’t have specialists for interrogating Klingons, a ship captain—Captain Alexander—is in charge of it. Why not? It’s not like Starfleet is running this show with any form of professionalism or sense.

I, uh, covered this in a [second post](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/14/no-intelligence-here-22/) on the original scene.

Apparently, I was particularly loquacious that week.

Reading this scene within its new context, that of a story with considerably more unintentional sexism, does not improve my sense of the script’s overall position towards female characters. Alexander is still the only female character allowed to really be on something approaching equal footing with the male characters—even if that means that she’s getting into implausible fistfights Klingon prisoners. There are two reasons why this does not succeed in correcting the gender imbalance of the script.

The first reason is that, due to the treatment of other women in the script, this feels very much like tokenism. It feels like the writer is saying “we need a strong female character, so we’re going to have this woman beat the shit out of a Klingon to show we aren’t sexist.”

The second reason is that Alexander was originally slated to be played by Kate Vernon, a middle-aged actor. Normally that would be great. It’s hard for older women to find roles that aren’t “mother” or “grandmother,” and I applaud _Axanar_ for trying to create one.

At the same time, within the context of the other main female characters, it’s hard not to notice the age difference between Alexander and, say, Corax or Wagner. When one notices the age difference, as well as the way in which Garth interacted with Corax or Wagner, it’s hard not to notice that Alexander is the only one of the three that—based on current Western culture which minimizes the sexuality of older women—would not be viewed as sexually available to Our Hero. (Even though Wagner is gay, it doesn’t fully protect the character from being understood as sexually available for the hero. All too often, lesbian women are still viewed as sexually available by straight men.)

In other words, Alexander doesn’t feel like an independent, fully-realized female character because so many of her traits—again, just within _Axanar’_ s context—are defined with respect to men. She is neither of sexual interest to Garth, nor sexually threating to him by being a woman who is simply uninterested. The script claims her strength comes from winning a fist fight with the same Klingon Garth beat, but she still doesn’t threaten Garth’s physical superiority because she was uninjured and the Klingon was likely weakened by both captivity and hunger.

She’s allowed to be a woman, but only as much as she remains subordinate to men. She’s allowed to be a woman, but only as much as her femininity is invisible to men.

This draft preserves Erok’s sexism likely so the audience won’t look too closely at either the script’s sexism or that Alexander is beating the hell out of a prisoner of war. I’m sure the writers would argue that this is simple Alexander following Klingon customs; however, it makes no sense to follow that custom when script has established that Starfleet holds itself to higher standards of behavior.

It’s Klingon behavior to fight ruthlessly and rejoice in the destruction of enemies. It’s Starfleet’s behavior to remember the value of every life.

Now, this could have been an interesting moment. It could have demonstrated that Starfleet’s ideals are slipping in their desperation, and they’re willing to do something that compromises those ideals and _most likely will not work_. But if they were going to go that route, I doubt April and Garth would be watching with drinks in their hands. Unless this was a Mirror Universe Starfleet.

Finally, before anyone says that Alexander is not beating a prisoner because he’s able to fight back, I’ll say that the script does not support the idea Alexander is fighting for her life. When Garth fought Erok, there was sense that he could be fighting for his life because Corax acted like he was fighting for his life. While Alexander fights Erok, Garth, April, and Trask stand around and shoot the breeze. They’re not remotely concerned, which means Alexander’s victory is a foregone conclusion. If it’s a foregone conclusion, yeah, this is much more one-sided than the script wants us to think with its “quick-cut sequence like the pre-title brawl from ‘Casino Roayle.’”

So, they shoot the breeze.

> **Garth: Did you know the Klingons discovered warp drive when Humanity was still busy trying to split the atom? Sonya told me that once.**

Let’s refer to Captain Alexander by her first name, frequently considered patronizing and infantilizing in professional contexts.

> **April: Sonya would know. (to the officer) She visited the Empire as a child. Her family owned a merchant ship.**

So, here’s the attempt to fill that plot-hole of why Alexander is the one interrogating the Klingon and why she’s going about it this way. I find it largely unconvincing. Visiting a place does not automatically mean that you’re familiar with every aspect of the culture, particularly if you were young at the time. Even more so if the Klingons practiced anything like 19th century China and Japan, which restricted where Western merchants could live and trade, thus limiting broad cultural contact.

> **Trask: The Klingons are a formidable race. (beat, to Garth) We heard about the D-7 you took down. That was nice work, pink skin.**

Yes, because a professional Starfleet officer is going to refer to a respected colleague with what canon Trek has established as a slur.

I do love how he establishes the Empire as formidable to set up his praise of Garth. It’s another instance of the script telling us Garth is great; it’s just using a character to do it.

Trask then volunteers his entire squadron to support Garth at Axanar. Apparently, Starfleet Command does not actually dictate squadron movements.

_Meta-Admiral Threl: We don’t actually know what admirals do. I’m in it for the sweet patch._

Also, why is it an intelligence officer responsible for interrogating a Klingon prisoner of war is also a squadron commander? I guess it’s for the same reason flag captains don’t exist and Alexander is doing the job of an intel officer.

At least with TOS, you could (in universe) excuse the Kirk-of-all-trades with his being the only ship on the extreme frontier.

The scene continues as in the earlier draft. Enterprise is not to fly. Alexander wins the fight. They resolve the D-7 problem. Alexander volunteers for the battle because that is her decision, I guess. She drinks Garth’s drink, which is still really weird, especially since Corax did it too.

_Meta-Captain Alexander: There's a bet.  I’m winning by three._

_Meta-Captain April: I'm the bookie._

> **She hands him back the glass and exits, leaving the others standing there, looking amused.**

The subtext here is very much “Oh, look at that adorable woman who thinks she’s like a man.” For the writers out there, it’s really bad form to have men express amusement over a woman doing the exact same things men do, e.g. winning a fight with a Klingon and volunteering for a battle. I can’t quite rule out that they weren’t laughing over the drink thing, but their amusement was saved for after Alexander left. This wasn’t Alexander, Trask, and April expressing amusement at Garth (or even just Trask and April being amused at Garth), but Trask, April, and Garth, expressing amusement at Alexander.  The all-male group was laughing in solidarity with each other.

It was in the original draft as well, but I wanted to touch on it again in light of this draft’s additional sexism.

> **Behind them, medics enter the cell to attend to Erok.**

At least he’s getting medical treatment in this draft.

Yikes.  This was a long one.  I guess I was feeling loquacious today as well.

 


	24. The Longest Elevator Ride

Pages 71 to 74 in version 11 and pages 58 to 61 in version 7.3.

Pieces are starting to fall into place. Starfleet has the D-7 plans and knows how many are ready to fight. Now, all they need is the Secret Code to actually read the D-7 plans. Thus, it’s time to check in with Corax, currently masquerading as K’rax.

The opening of the scene in Kharn’s quarters has been slightly expanded from the earlier draft.

> **Chang studies the chessboard, pawn in hand. Then he backhands the set in frustration, and leans back in his master’s chair, knowing that his real moves are no better those in the game.**
> 
> **Weighing his options, Chang notices the book of Shakespeare sitting nearby. But just as he’s about to reach for it…**

It’s a nice little improvement with the specificity of his actions giving more insight into Chang’s character.

In any case, he’s interrupted by Corax—I’m just going to use her Starfleet name—who reports that their repairs are complete, and that Kharn will be transferring to a D-7.

What brilliance. Too bad Starfleet didn’t think of it.

Chang is ordered to report to Kharn, so he leaves, giving Corax unfettered access to a computer terminal.

What thrilling spycraft. If you’re going to give us a spy subplot, make it a spicey one, at least.  Maybe give Corax a challenge to overcome or have something go wrong.

Corax contacts an Orion and passes some data along to him with the instruction he should send it to a third-party.

It’s all the same as in the [previous script.](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/15/kings-and-pawns/)

Mission accomplished, the story jumps back to the Federation side, with a new exterior shot of _Ares_ at Starbase One.

> **Located on the outer rim of the massive station, the dock bustles with activity. Ares’ repairs are well under way.** (This is new.)
> 
> **Orbiting the station nearby, we see the Xenophon…running lights flashing, Bussard collectors whirling brightly.** (This is original, but with “Xenophon” in place of “Ares.”)

A nice little visual handoff.

Probably one of the strongest edits in this story comes next. The hapless Lieutenant Walker—the officer keeping a war journal who was introduced solely to fawn over Garth and die so Garth could angst, while still being lauded as awesome—is gone. Now it’s Lieutenant Wagner in the turbolift.

She’s staring at a photograph when Garth joins her because in the 23rd century humanity still uses photographs.

> **Garth: Deck Three. (glances over) Lieutenant Wagner. I’m glad to see we won’t be leaving Earth without you. How was Cape Town?**

The beginning of Garth’s line comes from the original scene. It doesn’t work here as well because the context is completely different. In the original scene, there’s no established relationship between Garth and Walker. In this scene, there is an established relationship between Garth and Wagner. Moreover, she’s looking at a photograph and likely reacting emotionally to it. (Unlike Walker’s writing, which likely emotionally neutral considering it’s all about how great Garth is.)

Most good leaders would notice the emotionally charged environment on stepping into the turbolift. Addressing it (if necessary) would not be the afterthought implied by the sequence of Garth’s actions: entering the turbolift, giving it instructions, looking at Wagner, addressing Wagner. Even if Garth instructs the turbolift before speaking to Wagner, he should at least notice her on entering it. That he doesn’t suggests some level of distraction or self-absorption. Since we have not been shown a reason why he should be distracted—his last scene showed him chilling with Trask and April—he looks self-absorbed instead.

This impression is only furthered by his addressing Wagner as if she was on holiday, not burying her fiancé.

On the bright side, this change did provide an excellent character reason why Wagner doesn’t notice Garth immediately: she is distracted.

From this somewhat rough start, the conversation actually proceeds fairly believably. Talking about death is never easy. It’s probably even harder if you’re trapped in an elevator with Garth.

> **Wagner: It was… hard. Very hard. But also good. I’m glad I went. Thank you for clearing it, Captain.**

It’s rough—like something you might say if you wanted to keep your true thoughts to yourself. Even the refocusing on Garth could be an attempt to shift him away from the topic at hand.

> **Garth: Of course. What have you got there?**

How magnanimous of you, Garth.

> **Wagner hands him the photo. It shows a family posing at a scenic spot above the city. In the center, the Blakes have their arms around Wagner, who’s holding a portrait of Zoe.**

While this is a good attempt to show something of Wagner’s life, I find it strange that it’s using a photograph in which Zoe is not physically present. Why would Wagner focus on a memory after Zoe’s death instead of a time when she and the family were together in the spot while Zoe lived? It would have been nothing to make this, for example, a photograph celebrating her engagement with Zoe and the Blakes.

This choice reinforces the unfortunate implication in this story that Zoe’s death is far more important than her life.

> **Garth (cont’d): This is Zoe’s family?**

No, it’s just some random people Wagner met on her trip. Yet again, an attempt to allow for some audience-friendly exposition puts Garth in the unfortunate position of looking completely ridiculous.

It’s a photograph from their visit to Table Mountain, where they spread Zoe’s ashes. According to Wagner, it was one of Zoe’s favorite places. More than ever, I’d like to know why Wagner is carrying a photograph of herself with Zoe there. If it was a favorite place, they’d undoubtedly visited it together and had significant memories around it.

> **Garth: It’s beautiful. (hands the photo back) They seem like wonderful people.**

Again, it’s great elevator conversation. Garth doesn’t really know what to say, so he says something entirely generic and hope it works. It doesn’t do much for his reputation as a brilliant leader, but it is believable on its own terms.

> **Wagner: Yes, sir. I’m lucky to have them.**
> 
> **Garth: Judging by that picture, I’d say they’re lucky to have you too.**
> 
> **Wagner looks surprised by the idea.**

Yes, because someone who was in what was clearly a loving, supportive relationship with Zoe Blake and her family is going to be surprised by the idea they were lucky to know her. If Wagner has any self-confidence issues, they stem from her toxic CO, not her personal life.

Garth’s statement worked fine as a small-talk statement made by someone who doesn’t really know what to say, but feels he has to say something. There’s nothing wrong with that in a character. The problem is when you also want your character to be the best of the best. At that point, other characters are forced out-of-character in order to reach the desired result.

Anyway, this painfully awkward exchange is interrupted by a call to Garth that he needs to report to the Transporter Room.

> **When he turns back to Wagner, she’s lost in her thoughts.**
> 
> **Garth (cont’d): I’m proud of you, Tara. You, Zoe…all of you. I always have been…**

Now we’ve taken a turn from elevator-awkward to inappropriate.

First, I understand the writer is aiming for familiarity, perhaps even a fatherly approach, as it falls in with the [“Father to His Men”](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AFatherToHisMen) trope.  When the first-name use goes from male to female, however, it tends to be overly familiar. Even a story set in the future, it speaks to present social issues. Unfortunately, this is still a time and place where women are undervalued in the workplace, and who have to deal with things like being addressed in an overly familiar manner. Starfleet may want to be different, but it’s still going to be viewed through a modern lens. There’s a reason why TOS’s “Turnabout Intruder” has not aged well.

Not to mention, after the scene with Corax in Garth's quarters, "A Father to His Men" should not be applied to Garth and female subordinates.  It creates a really unsettling subtext.

Second, the “I always have been proud of you” line is very common for a completely different conversation. This line belongs in a conversation that concludes an arc dominated by a father-figure who acts in such a way that the protagonist and audience believe his is _not_ proud of the protagonist. There’s no reason to believe Garth isn’t proud of his crew. It’s never come up. Furthermore, there’s no reason for him to doubt his crew in any way. They win every battle they’re involved in.

It doesn’t fit.

> **Garth (cont’d): …(beat) What with everything that’s—Well, I thought you should know.**

Maybe it’s an apology for how he treated her at the beginning of the story. Not a good apology, but that’s the only way this makes sense. It’s a line of dialogue that belongs to a different character and a different story. Quite frankly, I’d like to see that character and story because I bet it’s more interesting than this one.

> **The turbolift stops on Deck Three. Garth exits, but looks back briefly and smiles.**
> 
> **Garth (cont’d): See you on the Bridge.**

Yeah, Garth totally has a thing for Wagner. What is it with the inappropriate smiling? He’s like one of those people who isn’t remotely sincere so he smiles all of the time to convince you that there isn’t a wolf behind those eyes.

The smiling was actually in the earlier draft as well.  There, however, it was nearly as unsettling.  First, Garth was smiling at a male character.  It helps.  Second, they'd just been having a conversation in which Garth was basking in Walker's hero worship.  In other words, Garth had a reason to smile at him.  It helps.

Here, we're on the Express to Creepy-Town.

> **The doors close, the lift continues on. Wagner wipes her cheek. But when she returns to her photo…she’s smiling.**

With this description, the audience is being told that Garth’s words were somehow uplifting for Wagner, that he brought her closure; however, we weren’t shown that. He made uncomfortable small talk with her and then gave a speech that should have left her scratching her head.

As with Wagner’s surprise, the need to characterize Garth in a certain light forces Wagner to act out of character.   It’s why he’s a [Black Hole](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BlackHoleSue).  And it’s why these scenes are not nearly as engaging as they could be. If one character can’t hold its characterization in the face of the other, you lose all conflict and tension.

This scene could have been good. Even though I was [highly critical](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2018/03/02/critique-why-we-fight-p-1/) of blogger and fan fiction writer Jonathan Lane’s “Why We Fight,” he did at least have Garth confronted with one of his choices. Garth could have had to face his choices—both with respect to Zoe’s death and with respect to how he treated Wagner after that death—here. But then Garth might have looked bad. He certainly would have been made uncomfortable. And we just can’t have that.

If there is one fatal flaw in this story, it’s that Garth must always remain comfortable. He cannot face consequences, and if he angsts then someone must quickly come along to make him feel better. Since Garth must always remain comfortable, he can’t change. If “[the only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Harold_Wilson),” the only character who rejects change is the corpse. Lieutenants Blake and Feng may have died for this story, but Garth is a dead man walking. That’s why he’s so dull.  That's why these scenes are so dull.


	25. Hop, Skip, and Jump

Pages 74 to 80 in version 11 and pages 61 to 66 in version 7.3.

This is a short one since we're getting a brand new character and a brand new scene next.  Yes, new character forty pages before the end.  Kind of an important character too.  Most of the scenes in these pages are the same as the earlier draft, so if you're looking for a more in-depth discussion, check out the 2017 posts.

Anyway, Garth enters the transporter room to find Tanaka, Leonov, and Soval. The scene follows largely from the earlier draft but is [slightly extended](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/15/kings-and-pawns/).  Leonov is feeling gloomy about leaving _Ares_ back in Valencia at Starbase One.

> **Garth: No, it doesn’t. But our people are with her…**

Garth is so special, he has _two_ ships. Top that, Kirk.

> **Garth:…(pats the console) And the Xenophon won’t let us down.**

Garth couldn’t recognize _Xenophon_ when he boarded with Not-Ramirez. He was surprised when Not-Ramirez told him that’s the ship he was on. With that setup, you won’t be able to convince me that this sudden affection for his ship is anything more than an affectation.

Essentially, other characters in Trek held affection towards their first commands so Garth must as well, regardless of whether or not he feels it.

Emotional moment over, Garth heads to the bridge.

When he arrives, Wagner introduces Lieutenant “It’s an honor serving with you.” Yup, two of the scenes with Hyree were combined during the edits of the earlier draft. Now he is introduced and his purpose explained at the same time. I appreciate the economy, if not the fan worship.

Pretty much, his whole purpose was to install a “Tactical monitor” for Garth so that Garth can “coordinate the entire fleet” from a single station. How Garth will do that while also driving his ship remains unanswered.

So, Garth orders them to warp and dramatically sits down.

Really.

> **Garth takes his chair and steels himself for what’s to come.**

Don’t laugh. It’s dramatic.

And thus we arrive at Axanar where the captains and Garth are discussing the battle plans. The scene is so close to the [earlier draft](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/battle-plans/) that the minor changes, such as breaking up the technobabble a bit to improve the flow and natural feel of the dialogue, are hardly worth mentioning.

We then get another vision of Kharn’s—same as the [earlier draft](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/17/now-for-the-klingon-view/).


	26. Introducing V'Nera

Pages 80 to 81 in version 11.

One of the weaknesses of this script is its treatment of women. The notable female characters thus far include the Federation President, Captain Sonya Alexander, Lieutenant Tara Wagner (and Lieutenant Zoe Blake, who only appears in a flashback and a photograph), Medical/Science Officer Sarah April (no rank given), and Commander Corax. On the surface, these characters represent a variety of powerful roles. You have a political leader, tactical officer, intelligence officer/spy, and starship captain.

Depending on whether Sarah April is a doctor, medical researcher, or nurse, she may also fall into this category. If she is a doctor or medical researcher—fields traditionally considered masculine in the West and only recently opened to women—then she fits with the others. If she’s a nurse then that’s a typically represented in entertainment (and too often socially) as a lower-skilled “feminine” occupation, meaning she would not fit in the category with the others.

The question of Sarah April’s professional status aside, the surface representation is good. However, when these scenes are examined in depth, the strength surface representation is undermined by the treatment of the characters. Three characters—the Federation President, Corax, and Wagner—are all criticized or corrected by male characters regardless of whether or not it’s appropriate for the situation. Two characters—Corax and Sarah April—are strongly defined within the context of their relationships to men, and they’re presented as unprofessional and somewhat immature in these relationships. (This is somewhat ameliorated by the equally unprofessional behavior of their partners, although the automatic power imbalance between male and female characters does not fully equalize the situation.) One character—Captain Alexander—is allowed to be close to a professional equal to her male peers, but only as long as she’s masculinized and not actually a threat to their superiority. And Tara Wagner’s development comes from the off-screen death of her female fiancé.

This context makes the next scene in the script a challenging one to discuss. On the one hand, it portrays the healthiest relationship in this script. On the other hand, it defines a newly introduced female character solely within the context of her relationship to a male character, and does so in a stereotypical way.

There’s a reason I’ve been thinking about this post for two days.

So, in the earlier draft (‘round about page 66), Kharn has a vision before the scene cuts to him at home on Qo’Nos. The shooting script expands on this scene and introduces V’nera, Kharn’s wife.

> **We see that Kharn stands before a grand window overlooking the mountains. Feminine hands appear on his shoulders revealing V’Nera, lithe, deadly…the embodiment of elegance. She pulls her husband into an embrace from behind.**

Interestingly, this is very much the same way in which Sarah April was introduced back on page 57. As a refresher, she “appears on the viewscreen and wraps her arm around her husband.”

This gesture is a highly affectionate one that anyone in a loving relationship recognizes, so from that perspective it’s an accurate depiction of two people in love…if somewhat repetitive in this script. At the same time, the blocking (or how your actors move around a set) serves to make the female character visually and temporally subordinate to the male character. Visually, she is literally standing behind her husband. He physically obscures part of her from the audience’s field of vision. Temporally, she is introduced after his importance has been established. Unless she is given significant weight in her introduction, she’ll struggle to balance the scales.

The balancing act is challenged by centuries of entertainment in which female characters have been mothers, grandmothers, girlfriends, lovers, or looking for relationships (generally heterosexual). It’s challenged by cultural traditions in which heterosexual marriage and family rearing are expected parts of female adulthood. If it’s the first time a female character is introduced is with a relationship gesture, it suggests that this is a defining trait over, for instance, her professional capacity. While it’s not wrong to define characters within the context of relationships, or even have it be a fundamental trait in the audience’s mind, a writer must always be aware of the potential pitfalls of defining female characters this way. Due to cultural and literary/film traditions, it’s not progressive; it’s quite reactionary.

That’s the long way of saying this gesture needs to be used carefully. In Sarah April’s case, it was inappropriate to establish her within the context of a relationship while she was in a professional environment.

Was the introduction inappropriate here?

I don’t believe so. Indeed, this is an appropriate setting for an intimate gesture between husband and wife. While V’Nera is still introduced in a subordinate—and clichéd manner—it works given that Kharn has just had an unsettling vision. Any reservations I have about this gesture subordinating yet another female character come from the context of the wider script. This isn’t just a loving moment between a female character and her husband, it’s also yet another example of women being defined by old tropes.

Now the description itself is another challenge. “Elegant” and “deadly” can apply to women of any age, but the word “lithe” is frequently used to describe young women. It may have just been a denotation/connation error, but it’s not hard to put this choice within the context of this script and wider entertainment trends. Within the script’s context, the primary romance is between a younger woman (Corax) and an older man (Garth). Sarah April’s age is indeterminate. In wider entrainment trends, there is an established tradition of casting younger female actors as spouses of older male actors. ([Here](https://www.vulture.com/2013/04/leading-men-age-but-their-love-interests-dont.html) are two [good](https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/05/hollywood-ageism-women) articles on it.)

Also, I don’t buy the argument that this was written for a younger actor playing Garth since the relationship was defined when [Alec Peters was memorizing lines to play the character himself.](https://axanarproductions.com/captains-log-august-15th-2015/)

From the linked blog:

> “Today was another day recovering, but I made time to go get my printed out copy of the script bound at Kinkos (yeah I still call it that) and then started highlighting Garth’s lines.  5 months out from principle photography is the right time to start learning lines!“

The result of this unfortunate word choice within this context, of course, is that the script suggests a casting scenario in which an actress in her twenties or thirties is portraying the life partner of Richard Hatch’s seventy year-old Kharn. Script writers, if you’re not going to put character ages in your script then please be careful with your descriptions.

However, word choice aside, I do think the intent was to cast an older actress for this character as V’Nera and Kharn come across as very equal in their dialogue.

> **V’Nera: What vexes you, my love? Another vision?**
> 
> **Kharn: (nods) They come often now. This…a burning blade.**

Our first introduction to V’Nera is now only through a standard relationship gesture, but her focus is fully on her husband here. It’s clear that she is going to be defined though her relationship to him. Her goals/wants/challenges independent of that relationship don’t exist. In terms of the story, if he doesn’t exist then neither does she: her purpose is to develop his character. This is the traditional, undesirable, portrayal of female characters.

It’s also very hard to make this scene fresh and interesting because we’ve all seen variations on it hundreds of times. The wife asks what’s happening; the male character angsts; the wife gives encouragement; the male character feels better.

Nevertheless, it is what people in good relationships do. You support a loved one in distress. So, from that perspective, it works. Redundant, here, since Kharn has already talked about his visions with M’oro. We don’t need the same conversation with another person unless it gives us something new. But on it’s own, it works.

> **V’Nera: The gods favor you with signs. (straightens his sash) Victory is at hand.**

Again, we have a very cliché gesture and response. V’Nera’s only goal here is to dote upon her husband, her only obstacle is his uncertainty. Who she is beyond that is a mystery.

Incidentally, the issue of her not existing outside of the relationship could have been partially addressed by having her in the room doing something not related to her husband at the start of the scene and having his distress interrupt her.  You could still stage her behind him to preserve continuity with the vision, but give her more independence in her introduction.

Of course, this would require imagining who she is outside of the relationship. We don’t even know if she’s actually a person of faith or if she’s just saying this.

> **Kharn: Perhaps.**
> 
> **V’Nera: Do you doubt yourself? Your men?**

Again, a rehash of a past conversation. Is there any new development on this front?

> **Kharn: My men are fools, but fools fight well enough. It is our people. Too often now they choose the easy path over the right one, even as the Humans gather worlds in Federation. The Empire has grown reckless.**

And tell those kids to get off my lawn.

No wonder they respect him. I know I always respect people who think me foolish.

> **V’Nera: Then you shall be its wisdom. You alone will know what’s right for our people, in this battle and those yet to come. I have seen it.**

That’s a very bold thing to say. Does it indicate that she has political ambitions for him, or is she simply trying to make him feel better? “I have seen it” could mean she’s a prophet as Kharn is—leading to an interesting clash of the visions—or she could be trying to encourage him because she knows his morale is just as important as anyone else’s. (Traditionally, this sort of line is played straight, but subversion is always possible.) In order for the audience to know how to take this, however, we need to know more about her.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this story needed to be Kharn’s with Garth as a supporting/minor character. The Klingon story is much stronger than the Starfleet story.

> **Kharn: (teases) I’m not the only one with visions.**

This suggests Kharn thinks she’s just trying to make him feel better. Depth comes from subtext and conflict, sometimes between what the character sees and what the audience sees. By not building out V’Nera’s character, an opportunity to add this depth—or strengthen the moment—has been lost.

Nevertheless, this light teasing _is_ a lovely moment in an otherwise standard conversation. Healthy couples do gently tease each other. There’s no putting down as with Garth and Corax or the Aprils. Kharn is trying to deflect from his fear so as not to worry V’Nera, but he doesn’t see her as anything other than his equal. It’s a very human thing to do.

> **V’Nera: I know my husband, better than he knows himself. He is a warrior for the ages.**

Yes, she’s encouraging him, which is a very standard female character role in entertainment. At the same time, it shows that she has a lot of faith in him and love for him. She’s proud of him, but maybe also scared for him. Reminding him of his greatness may also be how she reassures herself that he has the best chance at coming back. This comes across as so much more natural than conversations in which Garth is told how great he is.

> **Kharn: (laughs) And if this aged warrior should perish in the battle to come?**

Again, he’s not angsting or acting like it’s the worst thing ever to be so complimented. Instead, he’s deflecting because he's worried about what's coming. It’s natural.

> **V’Nera: So be it. It would be a death the likes of which songs are sung.**

This a contradiction with her earlier statement of what she’s seen. Does that mean that she was just trying to make Kharn feel better about the situation? It’s hard to say. That’s certainly one reading. Who knows? We didn’t even know V’Nera existed until one page ago. As far as the rest of the script was concerned, Kharn was a bachelor. Not so much as a picture of her in his quarters or a token by which he might remember her. Hell, it could’ve been that knife he stabs into everything. Anything helps.

The biggest problem, not only for the emotional impact of the scene but also character representation, is that she did not exist until she was needed on page 80 to develop Kharn’s character before the big battle. That’s just sad.

> **Kharn kisses her, pleased by her conviction.**

Eugh. That “pleased by her conviction” comes across as just a little condescending. Sometimes it’s better not to dictate, but to the let the subtext carry meaning for you.

In sum, this scene holds the truly odd distinction of being one of the most clichéd portrayals of a female character in the script yet simultaneously one of the strongest. (What’s it say when one of the strongest female scenes follows traditional heterosexual gender norms? Let’s not answer that. I’m trying to be nice today.) Yes, V’Nera only exists within the context of a relationship, and, yes, she’s playing a traditional housewife. However, her behavior is appropriate for the circumstances and exists within what appears to be a healthy relationship. This scene could’ve really worked with better context, both by introducing V’Nera earlier and by improving the overall portrayal of women.

What a missed opportunity.

 


	27. Man In A Hole

Pages 81 to 84 in version 11 and pages 66 to 68 in version 7.3.

The touching scene between Kharn and V’Nera is interrupted by a messenger with a priority subspace message. It’s a miracle anyone gets anything done in this story with all of the urgent messages that interrupt the scenes.

As in the earlier draft, this message prompts a jump to the Klingon war room. The shooting script, however, continues to develop the tension between Chang and Kharn. Since Chang got to the meeting first, he takes advantage of Kharn’s absence.

> **Chang: I swear to you, brothers! Stand with me now and I shall give you—**
> 
> **Kharn (O.S.): What, Chang?**

Kharn is a terrible eavesdropper. He’s almost as bad at it as Samwise Gamgee.

Kharn asks Chang what he plans to offer the generals, but the question is rhetorical. He already knows the answer, which he shares with the audience during a genuinely engaging moment.

> **Kharn walks around behind Chang and strips him of his weapons, tossing them away one by one as he continues.**
> 
> **Kharn: Would you offer them men to command? Ships? You’re too late, I’m afraid. I’ve already done so. Each of these loyal warriors will lead full squadrons into battle.**

I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. _Axanar_ is the Klingons’ story. Imagine if instead of a teenage power fantasy, we’d gotten [_Game of Thrones_ IN SPACE!](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RecycledINSPACE)  With less incest and attempted child murder.

Had this been the Klingons’ story, we would have seen Kharn outmaneuver Chang by earning the loyalty of these generals. We would have seen what motivates them beyond just being offered a squadron or the like.

But I’m sure an interminable battle sequence with people yelling shield percentages will totally be worth getting the summary instead of those scenes.

> **The generals grin at Chang, confirming Kharn’s words.**
> 
> **Kharn (cont’d): While you, Chang…(finally gets in his face) You will lead at the end of my leash.**

Well, now we know something Garth and Kharn share beyond plot-required temporary incompetence: the ability to humiliate subordinates in front of their peers.

This situation, however, doesn’t come across nearly as negatively as Garth’s chastisement of Wagner. For one, you don’t have the Garth’s weird treatment of women as context. It’s amazing how that one little thing completely changes the relationship. For another, Chang deserves it. He’s not a person grieving the loss of a fiancé. He’s attempting to usurp Kharn’s authority at a moment when the Klingon Empire cannot afford internal power struggles. Kharn has to make an example of him. Chang should be grateful that he’s from _Star Trek VI_ , or Kharn would probably stab him dramatically. That strikes me as the Klingon thing to do.

Continuing his trend of making good choices, Chang moves to attack Kharn.

> **…But as he moves to strike his master, a cane cracks hard against the back of his knees. Chang cries out in pain and falls to the floor, revealing Mor’o standing behind him…**

Well, that’s one way to make an entrance.  (Mor'o knocks Chang down in the [earlier draft as well](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/17/now-for-the-klingon-view/), but this version develops it a little further and contextualizes it better.)

Mor’o has dropped by to get the meeting back on track by asking if it’s time to mount a final campaign against Starfleet. Kharn gives a quick summary events from the Klingon perspective in return.

Delightfully, the script has not forgotten about Chang on the floor during this quick exchange.

> **Chang attempts to stand. Mor’o deftly jabs him in the back with his bone cane, forcing him to remain where he is.**

A second interesting story that arises from the shooting script’s treatment of Klingons would be how Chang redeems himself in the eyes of the Empire to become the figure he is in _Star Trek VI_.He lost his biggest ally. He lost the support of the generals (if he ever had it). Now, he’s losing whatever dignity he had left. Since the Klingons rely heavily on image, Chang must climb out of a very deep hole, which can make for a [good story](https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2016/07/the-six-main-arcs-in-storytelling-identified-by-a-computer/490733/).

At the least, however, the Chang/Mor’o interaction livens up the talk about destroying the Federation fleet and attacking Earth.

Mor’o praises Kharn’s plan, and Kharn dismisses his generals. After they leave, he addresses Chang.

> **Kharn looks at last to Chang, who’s still on the floor. Mor’o finally removes his cane.**
> 
> **Kharn (cont’d): Rise, fool. Open a channel to the fleet. NOW!**

It’s too bad we didn’t get to see more of the relationship between Kharn and Chang because there must be a reason Kharn wants to keep Chang close. He has to trust that Chang isn’t going to shoot him in the back, and I’ve yet to see evidence of _how_ he can know that. If he doesn’t trust Chang and this is a form of “keep your enemies closer” then I’d like to see evidence of _that_.

Right now, Kharn’s decision to keep Chang close despite giving Chang every reason to either sabotage the mission or attempt to kill Kharn outright is somewhat inexplicable.

But, you know, that scene where Garth and April talk about Operation Overlord in the 602 Club was no doubt considerably more critical. I mean, we’d gone a whole eleven pages without Garth being congratulated on his brilliance.

Anyhow, Kharn gives a rousing speech—the same one from the earlier draft—and it’s time for some pew-pew. About thirty pages worth.

May the Great Bird of the Galaxy help us all.


	28. Big Boss Fight: Part One

Pages 84 to 87 in version 11 and pages 68 to 70 in version 7.3.

It’s time for the big battle. We have over sixty starships waiting to take on the Klingons (roughly one hundred in number). It’s going to be epic. It’s going to be so epic that we don’t actually care about the majority of these ships or their crews because they’re just pretty VFX models to blow up.

The battle begins (as in the earlier draft) with Garth in his quarters. Since he’s on _Xenophon_ instead of _Ares_ this time around, however, he hasn’t unpacked. Presumably the transit to Axanar lasted several days, one would think Garth might’ve found time to hang his uniforms and stuff his socks in a drawer, but, no.

Tanaka remarks on this odd choice as well, and Garth answers with

> **Garth: No point. If all goes well, we’ll be home in a few days. You?**

It’s an interesting character choice. Instead of his duties consuming his free time, barely leaving him a moment to shower and change from one watch to the next, Garth’s excuse is that he doesn’t see a point.

It’s like trying to get a teen to clean his room: “Geeze, _Mom_. Why should I put my clothes away when I’m just going to wear them this week?”

It’s not a bad character choice, of course, just one that doesn’t do much to further the established character of Garth as someone who is driving himself to the limits of his endurance over this battle. Or perhaps I should say “attempted established character” since the Garth who needed to be gently guided to his own conference room is most certainly the type of person who wouldn’t bother to unpack a single duffel bag.

> **Tanaka: (shakes his head) It’s hard to believe we spent just six years on the Xenophon. We mapped a lot of space in this old ship. New planets…new lifeforms.**

“Just” six years? Six years is a decent chunk of time. How is it Garth didn’t recognize _Xenophon_ as soon as he stepped on board? This character really strikes me as one who is exposed to much, but absorbs little.

> **Garth: I know what you mean. It brings back memories, being here again. (shifts gears) What’s on your mind, Ken?**

See, this is something the story would have benefited from developing further. _Xenophon_ represents Garth’s exploration background. There should be a lot of internal conflict around returning the ship and using it as a warship. Had Garth been developed as a true character, and not been forced to remain as an idealized self-insert, the ship could even represent his belief that he has changed too much to go back to Eden, that he will never again be an explorer. It would also explain why he doesn’t unpack: it’s no longer a part of who he is. (Which would also explain why he doesn’t recognize the ship at first. He’s put his exploration days so far behind him, his recall just isn’t there.)

Had Garth been a real character, the return to _Xenophon_ would’ve been bittersweet. Since Garth is a Mary Sue, the emotional impact is considerably dulled. By which I mean nonexistent.

Tanaka and Garth discuss the Klingons and whether Garth is worried about Corax, just as in the [earlier draft](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/18/sound-and-fury-part-one/), and then we get a new bit.

> **Garth: As long as you’re here, why don’t you pull up a chair. Did you and Corax ever have that talk?**

What talk? Because I’m pretty sure Tanaka isn’t planning to marry her. At least, I hope not. Not because of that whole thing between Corax and Garth, but because talking about the [woman you’re going to marry](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MyGirlBackHome) is a surefire way to draw the eye of the Narrative Gods.  Unless you have strong [plot armor](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PlotArmor), never draw the eye of the Narrative Gods.

> **Tanaka sits as Garth gets up to look through his duffel bag.**
> 
> **Tanaka: No. I’m afraid there wasn’t time before Cirrus IV.**

If this is important, I don’t remember it. I remember Garth giving Corax a talk, Garth giving Wagner a talk, and a lot of fights, but I don’t remember Tanaka lining up an important conversation with Corax.

If this talk is important enough to mention now, while the story is gearing up for a climactic battle, then it should be something the audience remembers.

> **He smiles, seeing the plant Garth found earlier (in the damaged compartment on the _Ares_ ) sitting on the desk.**

Zoe’s plant. Which I’m pretty sure has more empathy than the owner of the desk it’s sitting on. Actually, I’m pretty sure the _desk_ has more empathy than Garth.

Why didn’t Garth give the plant to Wagner when she was grieving? Oh, yes, right. Sue has to have trophy.

Anyway, Garth asks how Tanaka’s meeting at Starbase One went, and Tanaka tells him Starfleet wants to promote him to _Centaurus_.

Don’t take it, Tanaka! The Narrative Gods will see you!

The best way to survive a battle is to not have any plans for the future that might make the audience cry if you die. In life, it is often (if incorrectly) said, there are no atheists in foxholes. In fiction, they’re all nihilists…just to be on the safe side.

> **Garth returns with the bottle from the 602 Club and a pair of glasses. He’s grinning as he pours them each a drink.**

Unless you’re [Ulysses S. Grant](https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/02/pour-one-out-for-ulysses-s-grant), maybe drinking before you lead some sixty-odd ships in battle against a numerically superior enemy is a bad idea.

Also, how big is that duffel bag that he had to dig through it for five lines of dialogue? Maybe they were mini bottles like you get on airplanes.

It turns out Garth knew that Tanaka was in line for a promotion.

> **Garth: No fooling you. You’re a fine X-O, Ken, but you’ll make a helluva Captain. Cheers.**

Dead man walking.

> **Tanaka: Cheers. I’m – (laughs after a moment) Overwhelmed. Thank you, Kel.**

Of course, the Sue needs a little thanks and praise here. Great Bird of the Galaxy forbid Tanaka gets a promotion on his own.

> **Garth: You’ve had my back a long time. The least I can do is return the favor.**

Honestly, I wouldn’t have a problem with this scene if the rest of the script backed off on the “Garth is awesome and all good things come from him” approach. It’s just a little…much.

Either he can be thanked for letting Tara escort Zoe’s body home or he can be thanked for Tanaka’s promotion, pick one. Also, cut about two-thirds of where people cheer or congratulate him. Then this scene would land as intended.

Even if Garth is annoying, I do appreciate the work to develop his relationship with Tanaka and humanize the two of them. It’s an improvement over the earlier scene.

Target painted on Tanaka’s back achieved, the conversation cycles back around to the battle plan. As in the earlier script, Garth barely gets a chance to start a good angst over it when the discussion is interrupted by a Red Alert.

Seriously, no one in this story can complete a thought without a dramatic interruption.

 


	29. Big Boss Fight: Parts Two Through Five

Pages 87 to 108 in version 11 and pages 70 to 91 in version 7.3.

The battle begins as it did in the earlier script, the only added line of dialogue being a nod to the new ship.

> **Garth: Good work, everyone. Remember…when the shooting starts, keep us on the edge of the battle. This ship can’t take the hits _Ares_ can. We’ll mix it up, but we need to avoid drawing their attention.**

Practical, but not exactly a Kirk or Sisko moment. Unfortunately, the nostalgia move of putting Garth on _Xenophon_ has side-lined our hero. He gets to be a passive observer during the climactic battle. Unless something goes wrong. Something should always go wrong.

The battle continues as in the earlier draft with _Hercules_ and twenty-three starships guarding the space docks while the Klingon fleet warps in. It cuts to the Klingon bridge where Kharn is “gripping his blade.”

Get your minds out of the gutter.

The Klingons believe they have caught the Federation off-guard. There are cool VFX maneuvers and lots of pew-pew. It’s almost exactly the same as the earlier draft, save the occasional beat, so I’m not going to cover the [same ground twice](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/19/sound-and-fury-part-two/).

So, _Hercules_ is busy shooting at torpedoes, I’m sorry, “launching countermeasures,” because this piece of fan fiction really wants to be about Colonials fighting Cylons. Meanwhile, back on _Xenophon_ , nothing new is happening.

I don’t know if the battle was locked in by the existing VFX or because the original was considered a masterpiece of film writing, but I do know that it’s still boring as hell.

Now we jump to _Geronimo_ , where Captain Robau is “in the big chair.” It’s not the size of your chair, buddy. Of course, Robau had to make an appearance, because _Axanar_ was all about the Abrams films. At least, when it was convenient. Whether introducing Robau was a good idea or not is anyone’s guess as the [unofficial, word-of-mouth guidelines](https://www.trekbbs.com/threads/cbss-rules-of-engagement-for-star-trek-fan-films.187825/page-2#post-7097665), of which producer Alec Peters was originally a fan, suggested fan films steer clear of the reboot films.

Anyway, they launch decoys because it sounds cool.

Back on the Klingon ship, Chang gets excited because twenty-four ships have appeared, but Kharn is smart. He knows they’re decoys.

Sure, this would’ve been a moment where perhaps the conflict between Chang and Kharn could escalate, but that would involve making this battle interesting.

Next we jump to _Hercules_ , where more people we don’t care about act dramatic and say things like “free all weapons,” because this is _Star Trek_ , y’all, and not BSG.

Really. I promise.

Travis still laughs when his bridge shakes. I still think he’s a psychopath.

The next jump is to _Geronimo_ , where they launch Raptors…I mean, _shuttles equipped with electronic warfare pods_. It’s still the same as in the [earlier draft](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/20/sound-and-fury-part-three/).

Back on the Klingon ship, things are as Kharn expected, and he orders his second wing of ships to the attack.

Now we jump back to _Xenophon_ , which has just been hanging out. Garth is pleased that Kharn has been lured into a trap. As if the story could go any other way. I mean, we could’ve had infighting on the Klingon ships lead to a tactical error, but, no, that might take away from the bridge shaking dramatically.

So, Robau’s ships jump the Klingons, who are confused about whether or not they’re real. Robau orders “weapons free” because it sounds cool even if it’s not a Trek phrase.

Anyway, now that everyone is fighting, we jump back to the Battlestar _Xenophon_ , where Garth decides to commit the rest of his forces. They do a dramatic checking-in sequence where all of the captains—none of whom we care about—say they’re ready to go.

Back aboard the Klingon ship, Kharn realizes he’s been tricked. Again, same as in the [earlier script](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/21/sound-and-fury-part-four/).  There’s more shooting and cool military phrases like “on your six,” because this film is about the spirit of Star Trek.

This is the sort of scene I’d fast-forward through because it’s so profoundly dull. The battle itself needed a significant rewrite, and didn’t get it.

More pew-pew, ships are destroyed, the battle seems to be going poorly for the Federation, an explosion aboard the Klingon ship provides a convenient distraction for Corax to kill a Klingon Redshirt and take over his station…can you feel the excitement? No? Neither can I.

Moving on.

More Klingons are coming; it’s supposed to be bad. Garth urgently needs a shield frequency, but no one can get it for him. Oh, my God, the tension.

And Captain Psychopath dies…again…to try and interject some human emotion into the battle. Again, it fails. No one cares because no one learned enough about these characters to identify with them emotionally. They were introduced with the sole purpose of being killed in this battle just so it could be “epic” in scope.

Man, it’s too bad real Star Trek writers and directors never worked out that you needed to make battles and impersonal so they’d be epic. Imagine how much better _Wrath of Khan_ would have gone if it has been hundreds of ships and people we’d shared one scene with dying. Best. Trek. Ever.

Captain Alexander must be tired of this battle as well because, as in the [earlier script](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/22/sound-and-fury-the-active-captain-alexander/), she decides to ram a D-7.

Alexander is victorious against the D-7, and Garth is going to sacrifice Robau et al. against the Klingons. Fortunately, _Enterprise_ shows up. April gets in on the action, “weapons free,” of course.

_Meta-Captain April: Of course. I learned it from my former CO._

Aboard the Klingon ship, Corax finally sends the shield frequency to the Federation. Meanwhile, we get a new line of dialogue.

> **Chang (cont’d): Sir, we’ve identified their flagship – an old destroyer on the edge of battle. And my Lord… it’s _Xenophon_. Garth’s former command!**

So, uh, you’re on a first name basis with “Garth,” here, Commander Exposition?

As best I can tell, this line is for everyone has slept through the previous hour or so of film. It tells us nothing we don’t already know, and it’s considerably more clunky than the line it replaces. (“My Lord, we’ve identified their command ship. It’s the _Ares_!”)

The tl;dr on this post is that nothing substantial has changed from the earlier draft. I probably could’ve put that at the beginning, huh?


	30. Big Boss Fight: The Narrative Gods Strike Back

Pages 108 to 112 in version 11 and pages 91 to 94 in version 7.3.

Yesterday’s summary ended with Kharn’s D-7 swooping in on the underpowered _Xenophon_ , as it did with the overpowered _Ares_ in the earlier draft. (We’re still on [“Sound and Fury: The Active Captain Alexander,”](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/22/sound-and-fury-the-active-captain-alexander/) if you’re reading the previous critiques.)

The _Xenophon_ ’s age and relative inability to defend itself makes what happens next slightly more understandable than in the earlier draft: Trask orders _the entire fleet_ to go protect Garth.

It’s a dramatic moment with every abandoning the plan to save the defenseless _Xenophon._

And it’s entirely ridiculous.

As I previously mentioned, if your battle plan ultimately depends so strongly on the survival of one person that your entire fleet will abandon it to save that person, you made a mistake somewhere. In modern warfare, no one person should be that critical to the success or survival of a military force.

As an example, consider the [Battle of Midway](http://navylive.dodlive.mil/2013/06/02/battle-of-midway-timeline-of-significant-events/). The battle began with Rear Admiral Fletcher as officer in tactical command (meaning he was running the show). After the Japanese bombing of _Yorktown_ forced him to abandon her for _Astoria_ , Fletcher made Rear Admiral Spruance officer in tactical command.   In other words, Fletcher started it, and Spruance finished it. This flexibility may very well have contributed to the US victory over the Japanese as it allowed US forces to act flexibly in the face of changing conditions. (See [Ch. 9 in _Carnage and Culture_](https://www.amazon.com/Carnage-Culture-Landmark-Battles-Western/dp/0385720386#reader_0385720386)by Victor Davis Hanson)

Every captain at Axanar knew the battle plan. That was established in the script. The loss of _Xenophon_ should mean that command transfers to one of the other captains and that they stay on target to accomplish the overall goal: the destruction of the Klingon fleet. Abandoning everything to save a person only works if that person is more valuable than winning the battle itself, for instance a critical symbolic leader without which a revolution will collapse. The problem is that Garth is not that kind of leader, and this story isn’t _Braveheart_.

This one short scene does an excellent job revealing the basic problem with a character like Garth. As a Mary Sue, or authorial self-insert, the writer wants Garth to be that critical symbolic leader who is praised—venerated almost—and whose followers will die to protect him. The story the writer has placed Garth into, however, is not one where this type of leader exists. There is no place for William Wallace in Starfleet. Particularly not Mel Gibson’s William Wallace. When a writer forces these two incompatible elements together, it breaks the reality of the story and the viewer’s suspension of disbelief.

Aboard _Xenophon_ —the scene is largely the same with some revised dialogue—Garth revels in being special.

> **Wagner: Sir, I think we’ve been made. That ship…it’s Kharn!**

That’s…not an improvement over the original. That’s not a military colloquialism; it’s an intelligence colloquialism. It applies to what Corax is doing, not _Xenophon_. _Xenophon_ isn’t undercover. It’s a Starfleet ship in a fleet of Starfleet ships.

All this phrase does is imply that Garth is so important, his presence needs to be disguised. (See previous paragraphs.) If he truly were that important, he would not be present. If he somehow managed to be present, he wouldn’t be on a rust-bucket; he would be on _Enterprise_.

> **Tanaka: To hell with him. (at Garth’s glance) I bet Kharn’s over there right now thinking, “Damn…it’s Garth!”**

He’s not thinking about the battle he has to win; or that he’s been tricked; or the appearance of the _Enterprise_. No, Kirk was the target of Khan’s single-minded vendetta, so Kharn’s thoughts must be wholly occupied by Garth. Even though the circumstances are entirely different.

> **Garth: (scoffs) Yeah. In a smaller ship.**

I’m sensing a feeling of inadequacy on Garth’s part.

You know, because the size of his ship is matters right now.

> **They share a quick smile.**

I think the only non-verbal gesture characters in this script are familiar with is smiling. It’s everywhere. Every. Where.

Anyway, as in the earlier script, Kharn is pissed off he hasn’t killed Garth yet—according to Corax their targeting sensors are down—while Corax is still trying to send the shield frequency.

Thrilling.

In the meantime, _Xenophon_ is being hammered by the two D-7s. In the shooting script, however, _Enterprise_ decides to do something about it.

> **Enterprise Tactical Officer: _Xenophon_ is taking critical damage. They won’t last much longer.**
> 
> **April: Target the lead ship. Let’s teach them to pick on someone their own size. Fire.**

I like the [first version](https://youtu.be/aA9fFzRd7VM?t=298) better.

So, _Enterprise_ fires on Kharn’s ship and is so powerful that Kharn’s ship can’t handle it.

> **Kretar reels. There’s massive damage now…explosions.**
> 
> **Chang: Systems failing. My Lord, we cannot survive another hit of that force.**

I guess April has the biggest ship in this fight.

Showing the judgment that has brought the Klingon forces to the edge of victory, Kharn orders a “full attack.” At least he doesn’t start yelling “cut off the enemy’s head and the body will wither.”

Things aren’t going much better for _Xenophon_. The bridge is rocking—that’s how you know it’s a dramatic moment in Star Trek—and the hull is breaking apart. All Star Trek staples.

> **Tanaka’s station explodes, knocking him to the deck.**

Well, that’s a slight variation. Usually exploding stations only take out redshirts.  Fuses save lives.

> **Garth: Ken!**

So much dramatic yelling in this script. So much repetition. Only eight pages ago, we had Captain Alexander yelling “Sam!” after his ship was destroyed.

As with the earlier script, _Xenophon_ tries to get away, but the helm isn’t answering so Garth orders maneuvering thrusters. And so on.

While Garth is doing that, Caine sees to Tanaka.

> **Caine: (to com) Bridge to Sickbay – urgent. We need a Med team up here now.**

It’s nice that they learned something from the mishandling of Feng’s injury.

So, as _Ares_ did, _Xenophon_ uses a tractor beam to hold onto the D-7 so that it stops shooting at them.

> **Garth looks over at Tanaka, worried, as Caine tries to help. We can’t see Tanaka’s face, but he’s not moving.**
> 
> **Caine: Commander, help is coming. Just hold on.**

Too late. He drew the attention of the Narrative Gods.


	31. Big Boss Fight: Tanaka Dies (Spoiler Alert)

Pages 112 to 116 in version 11 and pages 94 to 98 in version 7.3.

Save Tanaka’s wounding, the battle continues as it did in the earlier draft. It’s time for the [Vulcans to make an appearance](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/23/sound-and-fury-terrifying-vulcan-tacticians/), although one might logically expect _Enterprise_ to take their role in the shooting script. You don’t introduce an unstoppable ship and then just have it hang out.

I guess you do if you don’t want to end the battle too quickly. After all, it’s only gone on for twenty-six pages (with a general [rule-of-thumb](https://johnaugust.com/2003/ratio-of-pages-to-screen-time) being a page equals about a minute of screen time). Why rush to the end?

Anyway, the Vulcans figure out Corax’s code.

Meanwhile, back aboard _Xenophon_ , the med team arrives. This information is promptly put on the backburner so we can get the Vulcan ship’s report.  I guess those extras are just going to have to work out what they’re supposed to do on their own. It kind of takes away from the sense of urgency over Tanaka’s injury. There could’ve been an extra couple of action lines there.

Of course, we want to get to the good stuff. Like the part where Starfleet “penetrates the Klingons’ control system” and lowers their shields.

[Haven’t seen that before in Trek.](https://youtu.be/WCpYqWAIwFA?t=412)

And then we have to get to the part where Chang tries to raise shields and can’t.

[Haven’t seen that before in Trek. ](https://youtu.be/WCpYqWAIwFA?t=489)

And then we have to get to the part where _Xenophon_ beams torpedoes onto Kharn’s ship.

Truly [ground-breaking, original science fiction on display](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=413VpwNVDkQ).

Here's a tip.  When your climax is cribbed from _Wrath of Khan_ and a _Wrath of Khan_ ripoff, it's somewhat...anti-climactic.  Actually, it's laughably bad.  Only the fan fiction's author finds it interesting when the author's self-insert replays scenes from original works.  Everyone else has seen it before and better elsewhere.

So, Kharn’s ship is pretty well destroyed, and his blade is on fire in a fulfillment of his vision.

If your blade is on fire, see your doctor.  That's not normal.

Yeah, I went there.

> **Kharn nods…and understands at last.**
> 
> **Kharn: So be it.**

Well, at least it’s no longer “Perhaps today is a good day to die.” I think we’re full up on Trek clichés for the moment.

Well, almost out of clichés. Garth gives the same Kirk speech suing for peace that he gave in the earlier draft.

Kharn considers it, and Chang objects. Violently. It goes about as well as all of his previous objections.

> **Chang forgets his place and rushes at Kharn angrily.**
> 
> **Chang: There can be no peace with the Federation! Not now…not ever!**
> 
> **Kharn snaps. He draws the knife and slashes Change across the face. Chang slumps to the deck as Kharn stands over him.**
> 
> **Kharn: It is over! There is no honor in placing revenge before the survival of the Empire!**
> 
> **Chang is shamed…to stunned to respond as he holds a hand over his ruined left eye. Blood trickles through his fingers.**

And that’s the payoff for the Kharn/Chang conflict subplot: We get to find out how Chang lost an eye. In other words, there’s no payoff. If you’re going to build conflict like the story was building, you need a strong emotional payoff to make it work. This conclusion clearly suffers from being forced into the pattern set by the previous draft. The dialogue in this excerpt is identical; the only change is the increased violence between Kharn and Chang, though it follows the same beats.

As in the earlier draft, Kharn and Garth then agree to a cease-fire.

With that taken care of, the shooting script may now diverge from the earlier draft and address the wounded Tanaka, who must be sacrificed to the Narrative Gods to wring some sense of pathos out of an otherwise emotionless script.

> **The moment the transmission ends, Garth turns and races to Tanaka’s side. The Commander’s wounds are terrible. There’s a piece of metal buried in his chest. Blood is everywhere.**

Ah, this is Edgy™ Trek. That’s how we know it has Deep™ and Important™ things to say about war and the human condition.

> **The lead medic shakes his head.**

I like to imagine that's all he's been doing since he got on the bridge.  I wasn't shown otherwise, so it's perfectly plausible.

> **Tanaka raises his arm weakly.**

Because damage to your pectoral muscles makes it easy to raise an arm.

> **Tanaka: Kel? Is that you?**
> 
> **Garth grips his friend’s hand.**
> 
> **Garth: I’m right here, Ken.**
> 
> **Tanaka: That last move…getting in close? That was pretty good, Captain.**

So the script wants me to believe that severely wounded Tanaka—someone who had a console blow up in face, likely leaving him with significant burns in addition to impaling him with a piece of metal—maintained enough consciousness and clarity of thought to recognize what Garth was doing and evaluate it.

I’m not an EMT, but this seems very unlikely. In fact, it seems very unlikely that Tanaka, WITH METAL EMBEDDED IN HIS CHEST, can speak coherently at all. For those of you who don’t remember grade school biology, the chest is where the lungs are. It’s [really bad to have a penetration wound there](https://journals.lww.com/ajnonline/fulltext/2001/09001/penetrating_chest_trauma__with_careful_assessment,.4.aspx).

Also, there are arteries there. Sever one and the person will bleed out quickly.

This is the kind of injury where Tanaka—if conscious—should be wholly focused on not suffocating or downing in his own blood.  And the medic should be wholly focused on helping him with that.

But since this is fiction, he gets to have a [whole conversation](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FinalSpeech), and even share a last joke.

> **Garth smiles through his tears.**

He’s probably crying with joy that he can wring a last bit of praise out of this guy before the end.

> **Garth: I’m glad you approve. And that’s Fleet Captain to you, Mister.**

_Meta-Captain Alexander: Oh, for fuck’s sake._

Yeah, this short exchange actually existed in the earlier draft. An unwounded Tanaka says, “Well played, Captain,” and Garth responds with “That’s Fleet Captain to you, Mister.” Ridiculous, but not entirely inappropriate.

Not everything should be about the protagonist. But Garth is a Sue, so even another character’s dying moment should be about him.

> **They share a laugh.**

How the hell can Tanaka laugh with metal in his chest? That would be excruciating. Hell, it’s painful laughing with a significant respiratory infection. You know, something a little milder than impalement.

This is truly one of my least favorite tropes. It’s just so reality-breaking.

> **But Tanaka’s slipping away.**

He should already be pretty well gone.

And what is the medical technician doing? Even today, a medic would be doing everything they could to stop someone with an injury like this from dying (unless the patient had an advance directive of which the medical personnel were aware).

You’re telling me that a medic aboard a starship is just going to go “Yup, he’s a goner,” and not even try to save him? Not going to take steps to manage his airway—which, admittedly, would interfere with the dramatic conversation; not going to take steps to stop the bleeding; not going to take steps to get him to sickbay. Nope, you get seriously injured with all that advanced Starfleet tech around, welp, you’re done for.

I’m not asking for magic blood, here. I’m just asking that we consider, maybe, a Starfleet ship’s medical team should be better at treating wounds like these than a 21st century ambulance crew.

> **Tanaka: When you see Corax…tell her…tell her I’m sor—**

I really, really think we’re missing something important here. This line is traditionally used with respect to a love interest, which squares with that odd little conversation earlier. However, the script very firmly (probably because it was bound to the earlier draft) established Corax as _Garth_ ’s love interest.

Maybe all of this conversation is referring to that blink-and-you-miss-it moment when Corax suggests Tanaka doesn’t like her while bitching in Garth’s quarters. That moment, however, is far too small to justify revisiting it twice. It’s certainly too small to justify this being Tanaka’s impossible dying statement.

> **His body seizes in pain.**

Apparently, even pain management is beyond Starfleet’s skill.  Morphine?  Never heard of it.

_Meta-Admiral Threl: We’ll get to that after we work out why crews on long voyages start losing their teeth._

> **Garth nods.**
> 
> **Garth: I will. She knows.**

I don’t.

This feels like scene from and entirely different story between two entirely different characters. It’s just kinda jammed in here.

> **They share a final look, an acknowledgement of their long friendship…**

And slash-fic writers rejoiced.

> **…and Tanaka dies.**

If only the audience was so fortunate.

> **Garth slumps back against the bridge railing in shock, still holding his friend’s hand.**

The Narrative Gods demand you feel something. Feel! Feel!

Is it working?

It didn’t work on me because first my suspension of disbelief was shattered into a million pieces; then I was confused by conversation; and, finally, I remembered that I never really cared about Tanaka because he was just another interchangeable Starfleet officer who existed to make the Sue look good.


	32. The End

Pages 116 to 122 in version 11 and pages 98 to 105 in version 7.3.

Tanaka is dead. While he did get one last bit of praise in for our Sue, it isn’t as bad as Walker in the earlier draft. Walker was the officer who was writing a diary about [how awesome Garth was. ](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/24/its-all-about-garth/)

I think we can all agree that his absence was an improvement.

Instead of Walker’s voice over talking about how awesome Garth is, we get a speech from the Federation President about the war. It’s something of an attempt to add deep themes to an otherwise shallow action story.

> **Federation President: Experience teaches us that change is seldom easy. A century’s worth of misunderstanding led to this conflict, so it will take time to overcome our distrust. Much blood has been shed on both sides. Honor has been lost…but also found. We would not be here otherwise. (beat) After four long years of war, today we begin at last to talk of peace. Perhaps one day, historians will look back at us and say: The future began here…at Axanar.**

I wish we’d gotten that movie. It sounds interesting. The speech also sounds better than the first one. I guess the President fired her former speechwriter and hired a new one.

Garth and April are commenting on the whole mess. Garth figures it’ll be years before there’s any sort of treaty with the Klingon Empire, but April puts it into perspective: None of it would’ve happened without Garth.

True to form to the end. ([It’s the same as in the earlier draft.](https://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/2017/07/24/the-epilogue/))

Garth angsts about it, because he’s Humble™. Fortunately, April no longer jokes about him teaching humility at the Academy. That’s an improvement.

April leaves, and it’s Kharn’s turn to stroke the old ego a bit. This scene is, again, virtually unchanged although the dialogue has been smoothed out.

> **Kharn: We Klingons are a proud people, Captain. But some of us know that winning a battle, while losing an Empire, is no victory.**
> 
> **Garth: And losing a battle, while preserving an Empire, is no defeat. (smiles at Kharn’s look) Yeah, I’ve read your book.**

The biggest difference is that this time Kharn read Garth’s book too—oh, yeah, in this version Garth wrote a book—so they can have a mutual admiration society.

> **Kharn: I see. I have also read yours. (quotes) _Then, dear my liege, mine honor let me try. In that I live and for that I will die._**
> 
> **Garth: “Richard the Second.” He was pretty good, that Shakespeare.**

Because Garth couldn’t actually write anything original in his book. You know, all the good quotes were already taken.

If I turn my head sideways and squint, I can see what this quote exchange was going for. Kharn and Garth are discussing honor. Essentially, Kharn made the honorable choice by surrendering because it preserved what was left of his fleet and the Empire. They then agree that honor is everything, something to live and die for.

It only works on the most superficial level, however.

The line comes from [Act I, Scene 1, of _Richard II_.](http://shakespeare.mit.edu/richardii/richardii.1.1.html)

In this scene, King Richard II attempts to moderate an argument between Henry Bolingbroke—who accuses Thomas Mowbray of various treasons—and Thomas Mowbray—who denies them. Despite his best efforts, he fails to convince the gentlemen not to duel.

Already the scene doesn’t match the scene in _Axanar_ in a way that lends _Axanar_ additional depth. Indeed, the two scenes are the opposite of each other. In _Richard II_ , the two enemies become more heated, and Richard is forced to intervene in such a way that he sows the seeds of his own downfall. In _Axanar_ , the two former enemies seek peace and reconciliation.

So, from a broadly thematic standpoint, the line is already divorced from its source.   This is not Khan, who becomes an Ahab-like character over the course of _Star Trek II_ , quoting _Moby Dick_ just in case you missed the subtext.

Examining the line more narrowly, however, also fails to lend _Axanar_ additional depth. It’s quite contradictory with the scene it was pasted into.

Here are Mowbray’s lines preceding the quote:

> _The purest treasure mortal times afford_
> 
> _Is spotless reputation: that away,_
> 
> _Men are but gilded loam or painted clay._
> 
> _A jewel in a ten-times-barr’d-upchest_
> 
> _Is a bold spirit in a loyal breast._
> 
> _Mine honour is my life; both grow in one:_
> 
> _Take honour from me, and my life is done:_
> 
> _Then, dear my liege, mine honour let me try;_
> 
> _In that I live and for that will I die._

Mowbray’s position is that his reputation for honesty is unsullied. Moreover, an unsullied reputation is the most valuable thing a person can have since without it one is worthless, even while appearing valuable. Therefore, to destroy Mowbray’s honor is to destroy his figurative life, his reputation, meaning he will put his literal life on the line to protect it.

In the line Kharn quotes, Mowbray is begging Richard II for permission to duel (“mine honor let me try”) because it is so important to him (“in that I live and for that will I die”).

In true Shakespearean fashion, however, a line that seems laudatory may actually be critical. While Mowbray captures chivalric honor with his statement, this commitment is ultimately destructive. Mowbray is permanently exiled by Richard II, and over the course of the play Richard II is supplanted by Bolingbroke (the future Henry IV.)

Mowbray’s lines to Richard II on his banishment are prophetic. ([Act I, Scene 3](http://shakespeare.mit.edu/richardii/richardii.1.3.html))

> _No, Bolingbroke: if ever I were traitor,_
> 
> _My name be blotted from the book of life,_
> 
> _And I from heaven banish’d as from hence!_
> 
> _But what thou art, God, thou, and I do know;_
> 
> _And all too soon, I fear, the king shall rue._
> 
> _Farewell, my liege. Now no way can I stray;_
> 
> _Save back to England, all the world’s my way._

He kept his honor at the cost of his home and his king. In other words, he won the battle and lost the empire.

So, indeed, that line might be stronger as a warning to Chang, who sees honor through violence and will pursue it to the bitter end, than shared in agreement with Garth. This is not a honor-positive line. It’s a tragic line.

> **Kharn: Yes. Though the text improves much in its Klingon translation.**

[Har-dee-har-har. ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2TDf9XU09k)

There’s a point where fan service becomes masturbatory. We passed it some time ago.

As in the earlier draft, Kharn is pleased by this encounter with Garth since “truly, the Izarian is worthy of his respect.” Yeah, that line stayed.

Kharn gives Garth his dagger. In a case of naked product placement, Garth gives Kharn his patch.

We then jump to Soval and Mor’o watching Garth and Kharn, because now we need some commentary on it. The scene follows the one in the earlier draft reasonably closely with one change: T’Lera is revealed to be Soval’s wife.

That just might’ve been good to mention, and show, earlier than two pages before the end of the story.

She gets some of Soval’s job. Unlike in the earlier draft, she was the one who convinced the Vulcan High Council to stay with the Federation and help out. Man, it would’ve been nice to see that since the Federation didn’t give Vulcan a very good reason to stick around.

In response to Mor’o’s acknowledgement, she swipes Soval’s line.

> **T’Lera: (looks at Soval with affection) It was the reasonable thing to do.**

Wifely duties—looking at her husband adoringly—satisfied and single line spoken, she vanishes, leaving the menfolk to continue their conversation.

Garth wanders off and is ambushed by Corax in a scene only slightly changed from the earlier draft. This time he gives her a bear hug. She gives him the chess piece, and the story ends.

***

After version 7.3. was released, there were claims that was an old draft ([with version 11 being the most recent draft](https://fanfilmfactor.com/2017/06/29/2-year-old-version-of-full-axanar-movie-script-purposefully-leaked-news-and-editorial/)).  _Axanar_ had moved on. [My critique was dated the day it hit the internet. ](https://twitter.com/BurnettRM/status/880272147498676224)

After reading the two scripts side-by-side, I’m comfortable saying “That defense doesn't work.” Version 11 was not a page one rewrite of version 7.3; it was a tweaking of earlier drafts. The vast majority of the flaws in version 7.3. persist in version 11. Moreover, new flaws were introduced, which I won’t rehash because…ouch.

Thanks to [Mr. Hunt’s kind involvement](https://www.facebook.com/groups/axamonitor/permalink/567115417136643/?comment_id=567283153786536&reply_comment_id=567391147109070&comment_tracking=%7B%22tn%22%3A%22R2%22%7D) in discussions on Facebook, it’s pretty clear that his ability to do more than tweak what existed was significantly limited.  I think this tension between the producer’s desire to adhere as closely to his original vision as possible and Mr. Hunt’s efforts to bring his experience as a storyteller to bear explain why this shooting draft feels like two different stories mashed together. In one story, you have characters behaving like human beings. In another story, you have a Mary Sue being awesome. Ugly things happen when the two stories collide: reality breaks.

I’m sorry we didn’t get to see the improved Klingon scenes from this draft onscreen. I’m not sorry we didn’t get to see the (unintentional) new “ism”s that showed up. My final review, however, remains much the same. If you enjoyed the _Star Wars_ prequels—you know, light popcorn flicks with little depth—and you love remixed, mashed-together Trek references, you would’ve loved _Axanar_.  If you're not into that stuff, you wouldn't have enjoyed it. Either way, it wouldn't have touched official Trek films for quality.  Even the weakest of those was a stronger story.

OK, maybe not _Nemesis_.

And _Into Darkness_ isn't aging terribly well either.

And I like that one.


End file.
